Cycling Weekly — December 07, 2017

to create the sort of atmosphere
in which we would all move as
swiftly as possible to the post-
prandial ‘watching Doctor Who in a
sulk and not having to talk to each
other’ portion of the festivities.
“Were you wearing a helmet,”
he said. I said yes.
“In that case I don’t know what
you’re complaining about. It
wasn’t like anything was going to
happen to you.”
To assist him with telling the

difference between a bike helmet

and a cloak of invincibility, I

went and got my helmet and

invited him to try it on. Then I

kicked him in the groin as hard

as I could, and danced around

his prostrate form shouting, “Still

hurts, doesn’t it?”

OK, I didn’t. But had it not

been the season of peace and

goodwill towards the morons to

whom you’re related I certainly

would have.

Another evening of

poorly disguised

showing off beckons

How to...

evangelise

Cycling is great. Your friends are great. How great would

it be if you could encourage your friends to take up

cycling? Then you’d have great squared.

Step one to successful evangelising is to avoid at all

costs being a cycling bore. Do not tell your non-riding

friends of your dilemma about upgrading your groupset

from Ultegra to Dura-Ace. Their incomprehension will be

matched only by their hostility.

Instead, provide subtle clues as to the greatness

of your hobby, just little glimpses into your world of

achievement and pleasure. Arrive for an evening drink

with a Tiggerish enthusiasm for life while removing a

cycling helmet. (This actually works just as well if you

walk to the pub.)

Tell them how nice it is to have found a sport at which

you can excel, and even win races. (This works no

less well for being a total lie.) This will inspire them to

a psychological state known as competitive irritation,

where they reckon that if you can do it, so can they.

There are advantages to evangelising other than

just the company. You will have a useful outlet for

both your second-hand kit and your urge to provide

patronising advice.

And equally there are disadvantages. There is at least

a 50 per cent chance your friends will be better at cycling

than you. After all, someone introduced me to cycling.

How do you think they feel now? You might not want to

make the same mistake yourself.

Cycling Weekly | December 7, 2017 | 61