The Grocer – 13 January 2018

bogof

Get the full story at thegrocer.co.uk 13 January 2018 | The Grocer | 61

The world’s most expen-

sive vodka bottle –

worth £960,000 – was

pinched from a bar in

Copenhagen last week.

Fortunately, it has been

found – unbroken, at a

nearby building site. The

liquid was long gone, but

anyone drinking from a

bottle made from leather,

gold and silver (with a

diamond-encrusted cap)

probably isn’t too con-

cerned with ‘taste’.

Bottle without

class or glass

ad of the week: hairy messenger helps Bear deliver health message

As Adland tells us to
look after our health,
kids’ snack brand Bear
is reminding us to think
of the children, with
its first mainstream TV
campaign.
We join a couple of
parents attempting to
make a journey in their
people carrier – a task
made difficult by their
demanding daughter in
the back seat. The tiny
tyrant’s demands to ‘stop
for a snack’ are finally

met when mum pulls

over to allow a giant,

lifelike bear to jump

in. That, as you might

imagine, shuts her up.

Of course, it’s all just a

metaphor for Bear’s tasty

Yoyos! The brand will

rue that Müller’s Tasty

B has taken the novelty

edge off its giant ursine,

but it knows parents will

be much more interested

in the ‘Just fruit. Just veg.

Absolutely nothing else’

message.

Dance for your

dinner at new

cooking show

Cooking demos might
allow you to smell (and
even taste) the food being
made, but they also lack
the TV equivalent’s aspi-
rational lifestyle element
and judicious editing.
Fortunately, there’s
a solution: dance! May
Contain Food – May
Contain You, a music-
dance-scran produc-
tion by a company called
Luca Silvestri’s Protein,
is coming to a village hall
near you next month.
The ‘immersive’ caba-
ret-style show will con-
sist of a duet for dancers

Sonya Cullingford and

Matthew Winston, with

music, while the audi-

ence will be invited to

help the performers bake

a ginger pudding live on

stage. Attendees are also

invited to bring home-

made dishes, and will be

encouraged to share their

food memories.

No, we’re still not sure

what to expect either, but

we’re told it will encour-

age us ‘to think about

the sensory, cultural and

social implications of

food’. Sounds fun!

Everybody dance now! Matthew and Sonya get stuck in

Pop singer Ed Sheeran
has built a chart-crush-
ing empire on his gift for
crowd-pleasing tedium
and an everyman image.
But (take it from Bogof)
there’s only so much suc-
cess one can stand before
ego sets in and diva-like
behaviour takes over,
often related to food.
Sheeran has developed
an obsession with Heinz
Ketchup, and has appar-
ently ordered his minions

to carry an emergency

bottle of it at all times.

He’s fed up with fancy

restaurants denying him

a splodge, see?

He even has a Ketchup

tattoo! What a monster.

Tommy K + Ed S = another

boring album, probably

Red Ed picks a

side in sauce

Pat on the Back

Exploits of a Westminster

c-store owner

W

ell, profit warnings seem to be flavour of

the month for retailers, so let me reassure

you on one score. Pat’s Mart may not yet

be listed, but I think it’s just good manners to

present my Christmas sales figures to my beloved

readers, and I can assure all of you now that

there will be no warning from me of any profits

whatsoever this year.

Yes, this morning I opened the cash box (you’d

be surprised how useful a Celebrations tin can

be once you’ve thrown the chocolates away)

and spent the next several seconds totting up.

My auditor Mr Andersen hasn’t yet signed off

on the accounts, but pending his release from

Pentonville I can announce that my figures are

perfectly balanced, in that if I deduct my costs

from my income and then deduct my loss from

that, the amount comes to exactly zero.

I appreciate that this method is a little unusual

but it works for me and, let’s face it, it’s no

worse than some of the alternatives used in

this industry from time to time. The one slight

shortcoming it has is that it is entirely inaccurate.

In fact, my trade creditors have begun to smell a

rat (serves them right for sniffing around in the

chilled store) and no longer accept the line that

I’m awaiting a significant refund from Palmer &

Harvey. In fact, they’re insisting on COD, which is

a bit of a problem, given the complete absence of

any C.

So it’s all a bit of a worry. I’ve had to let dear

Pavlina go – well, better I get in ahead of Mr

Davies – and I’m down to eating my leftover

Christmas stock. I wouldn’t mind so much, but

the other day I nearly choked on a keyring in a

cracker!

Just joking, readers. It was actually a thimble.

Chris Nash

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