‘Dad, so Jesus could definitely smash the Avengers
and the Justice League with only his little finger.’
‘Right you are, Sam. If you say so’
“No he wasn’t. There isn’t a God. Ask Mummy.
Or Daddy.”
“You’re not going to go to heaven!”
“I don’t want to go to heaven. Heaven is boring. I’m
going to the Elysian Fields.”
“Dad! Tell Kity that Jesus is the Son of God and the
Romans are baddies.”
And so, rather sooner than planned, came the
moment when I had to explain that the Bible, like many
books, and like a lot of ancient history too, is full of
excellent stories that can be considered “true” without
necessarily always being based in “fact”. And that some
parts of it are truer than others. And that it is our job as
readers to decide what is and what isn’t. (In later dis-
cussions, Sam would decide, for example, that somebody
a bit like Moses probably did lead the Israelites out of
Egypt, but that, on balance, Jonah probably was not
swallowed by a giant fish.)
And then I tried quietly to move Sam’s attention
away from the New Testament towards the Old, because
I’ve always thought the stories were better and ought
to appeal to a boy more than the girly, turn-the-other-
cheekery of the New. But also because Sam, whom I cir-
cumcised and named ater his orthodox Jewish grand-
father, is Jewish. Kind of. Just like I sort of am. And the
Old Testament is our Bible. Sort of. Oh, I don’t know. It’s
all kind of confused. I just wasn’t quite ready for my son
to be an actual Christian.
So I read to him about the Creation and Noah’s Ark
and Samson killing Philistines with the jawbone of an
ass and... “Is Jesus in any of these?” Sam asked.
“No,” I told him.
“I love Jesus,” he said.
“hat’s lovely, Sam, but in the Old Testament there are
giants and lions and whales and great batles!”
“What giants?”
So I read him the story of David and Goliath.
“A cyclops could so kill Goliath! And David!” shouted
Kity from down the hall. I told her to hush.
“Is that true, Dad?” asked Sam.
“Actually, no. I’m prety sure David could take down
a cyclops.”
“See!” shouted Sam, running up to Kity and stickinghis tongue out and going, “Nyah nyah nyah!” When he
came and sat down again he said, “Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“What about the Hulk? Could the Hulk beat Goliath?”
“Well, now. I guess he could, yes.”
“And Dad?”
“Yes, Sam?”
“Could David kill the Hulk?”
“Um. Well, I think the original Hulk from the Sixties,
as first conceived by Jack Kirby and Stan Lee, would
probably have been vulnerable to a slingshot, yes. But
the one in these Avengers movies, who can knock down
skyscrapers and jump into space, he’d probably give
a small Jewish boy some trouble.”
“Except that David would have God on his side.”
“True, Sam. hat’s what the story is about.”
“So God could smash the Hulk?”
“Yep.”
“Could he smash Superman?”
“Yes, he could smash him, too.”
“Could he smash all the Justice League and the
Avengers put together?”
“Without breaking a sweat, Sammy.”
“And Dad?”
“Yes, boy?”
“What about Jesus? Could Jesus beat the Hulk?”
“Hmm, Jesus I’m less of an expert on. I guess
possibly not.”
“Well, actually he could, Dad. Because Jesus is not
just the son of God. He is God.”
“Is that so?” I asked Sam, in genuine puzzlement.
Because, as a Jew, sort of, I have never quite got to grips
with the whole three-in-one thing.
“Yes, it is,” explained Sam. “So Jesus could definitely
smash the Avengers and the Justice League with only
his litle finger.”
“Right you are, Sam. If you say so.”
“Except you know what?”
“What?”
“He wouldn’t. He would just be nice to them. And
then they’d all have tea. And Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“hat’s why I love Jesus.”28
Giles Coren
Man & Boy