Jo Brand considers your dilemmas
My brother and I are over 50, but my parents still treat us
according to what we were like as children. I’m supposedly the
quick-tempered, fussy one (I was when I was 14, but I’m really
not now), while my brother is the calm, logical one (he’s every bit
as daft as me). It causes unnecessary tension. What can I do?A
I think this just shows that
throughout one’s life the
parental role and attitude
changes very little until you get
to the point where there is
a reversal and the children
become the parents of the
parents. It seems as though an
image of you as children is stuck
in your parents’ heads and this
can be difficult to shift. My mum
said to me recently that it
doesn’t matter how old we are,
we are still her children and
that doesn’t change. I think
this is what’s going on here.
Although at times I do behave
like a 60-year-old adolescent.
I know this is an unhelpful
thing to say, but have you
actually discussed this problem
with them, or are they too
difficult to talk to? You give no
sense of how much of a presencethey are in your lives, and I am
assuming that you see them
relatively infrequently.
I suggest you should write
a letter, because this means you
can put down exactly what
you want to say clearly, and they
will have time to mull it over
before you next visit.
Failing that, you will just have
to revert to your teenage
personalities and keep the myth
going! Or you could do that for
a laugh on one occasion when
you visit and, when they ask
what’s going on, ask them if they
recognise the traits they imagine
you have. If your brother’s as
daft as you, the pair of you could
come up with a little scenario
and have good fun with this.Q
The parental attitude changes
very little until you get to the
point where there is a reversaland the children become the
ILLUSTRATION: ANNE HIGGLEparents of the parents
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My daughter is
increasingly stressed by
work, partly because she has
a long commute into London.
She doesn’t eat healthily and
she’s often irritable with her
family. I think she should work
closer to home, even if it
means a big drop in salary, but
she won’t hear of it. How can
I convince her that her health
and happiness are more
important than her career?A
And here we have the
perfect example of the
problem we were just discussing.
I’m afraid the answer to this is
that you can’t convince anyone
of anything they don’t want to
hear. I have learned that people
only do things they want to do. If
you force them to do something
with emotional blackmail and
desperate entreaties, they may
grudgingly do it for a bit but they
will end up resenting you.
Your daughter obviously likes
her job and wants to continue
doing it. She probably is tired
and irritable, but what are her
husband and kids doing to help?
There are hundreds of
thousands of women holding
down jobs like this and trying to
run families, and something’s
got to give. I suggest you have
a think about how she could
better manage the load. As she
earns decent money, maybe
she could pay for a cleaner?
Rather than trying to prevent
her from doing something she
enjoys, think about how you
could help her. You say she’s not
eating healthily... Why not
prepare some meals, or buy her
some nice food? Or could you
give her a lie in on Saturdays, if
the kids are young?
You need to be imaginative.
You’re her mum, and you care
about her, but you have to show
your love in a less coercive way.Relationships
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