though — besides the astounding fit-
ness and courage of the players —
is that it has done away with all the
arcane stuff: set scrums (still being
interminably reset), mauls/rucks and
line-outs, which only the refs under-
stand (most of them anyway).
The game is ferociously fast mov-
ing, but counter-intuitively this has
reduced rugby league to something
rather sterile and formulaic, a bit
like basketball, with the ball passing
through hands up and down the field
in a featureless ebb and flow. But
seeing Gildart’s try — which had it
been scored by an All Black or a Bar-
barian would be hailed as one of the
tries of all time — makes you realise
that there should be a great readiness
on both sides of the league/union
debate to recognise the virtues of the
other’s code.E
vents in Australian grade cricket
matches — their top club level —
rarely get much coverage in the old
country, more’s the pity. So you may
have missed a delicious moment in a
game between Randwick Petersham
and Western Suburbs in Sydney the
other day. David Warner, a talented
player but not the best-loved char-
acter in the game, decided he had to
leave the field when batting because
he had been so upset by something
that had been said to him — inciden-
tally by Jason Hughes, brother of Phil,
who died after being hit by a bouncerL
eader in the clubhouse for top
rugby try by an Englishman
in 2018: Oliver Gildart. Oliver
who? Oliver Gildart, only 22, scored
a corker of a try on his debut, sprint-
ing from well within his own half, with
several sidesteps and a blinding turn
of speed, to secure an 18-16 win over
New Zealand in a brutal first rugby
league test at Hull. If you missed it
please catch up: it doesn’t take long to
watch, trust me. I remember once get-
ting into a steaming row with a rugby
pal who had dared to suggest that
rugby league was better to watch than
union. But who really does get the
better entertainment? The Barbour-
clad southerners at Twickenham or
the flat-cap whippet brigade along
the M62 who after the thriller at Hull
last weekend must be savouring the
prospect of the next two tests against
the Kiwis, at Anfield on Sunday and
Leeds the week after.
Is it a cultural thing? I’m a union
devotee but I was brought up on
union, and people who like league
were usually brought up on league.
What is appealing about that code
in a Shield match in 2014. Warner
leaving a cricket match with wounded
feelings is a bit like Roy Keane walk-
ing out of a training session because
he didn’t like the way someone was
looking at him.
The charge sheet against Warner is
pretty lengthy: he told Rohit Sharma
to ‘speak English’, tried to lamp Joe
Root in a night club and had a fero-
cious set-to with Quinton de Kock of
South Africa. Still, poor thing — we
mustn’t upset the pugnacious left-
hander. Anyway, after a few min-
utes’ wiping his eyes in the pavilion
he came back out and made 157. Not
much damage done then.
At almost exactly the same time
an oxymoronically named bunch
called the Ethics Centre of Austral-
ia produced a savage report into one
of Warner’s finest hours, the ‘sand-
papergate’ ball-tampering scandal
in Cape Town in March. Everybody
gets it in the report: Warner, of course,
Steve Smith, coach Darren Lehmann
and poor Cameron Bancroft, who
couldn’t say no and shoved the sand-
paper into his Y-fronts. The governing
body, Cricket Australia, is accused of
presiding over a rotten and macho
cricketing culture. ‘We are obsessed
with being No. 1, but it is fool’s gold,’
says one official. Well fair enough, but
an Ashes series should be a tough old
contest. No quarter and all that. And
try telling Eddie Jones not to worry
about being No 1.Q. Previously a long-term and
content single man, earlier in the
year I began a relationship with a
wonderful girl, despite warnings
from friends that she had a
reputation for suddenly and
crushingly breaking the hearts of
a string of boyfriends. I reassured
myself and my friends that this
was different and special. Months
later, and happily committed
to what I thought was a long
future with her, with no signs to
the contrary, inevitably I have
been tossed aside via WhatsApp
messages and a phone call. Howcan I avoid the pitying looks from
those who warned me?
— Name withheld, London SW3A. As soon as you enter a room
where one of the likely offenders
is present, move swiftly forward
to give a lengthy hug of greeting
wherein neither of you can see the
other’s facial expression. Disarm
them by some vigorous tickling.
The surprise will pre-empt the
delivery of a pitying look, and
it will also unnerve — and even
irritate — your victim. Sympathy
will suddenly seem inappropriate.Q. Your correspondent J.A.
(27 October) complains of the
overt enthusiasm of vegans
when eating their sanctimonious
meat-free dishes. I occasionally
stay with a friend who has just
become vegan. Is it acceptable
for a house guest to bring acontribution of non-vegan food
if she offers to cook it herself?
— L.B., London NW1A. I have consulted the vegan
author Lucy Ogilvie-Grant.
Lucy decrees: ‘Vegetablists smart
with feelings of humiliation,
having endured relentless digs
about “rabbit food”, and it’s
consequently very common
for them to overexaggerate the
deliciousness of non-animal food.
However it’s also true that when
you stop eating meat regularly,
vegetables do become more
palatable. It is not acceptable
to cook your own carnivorous
meals while staying as a guest.
When the need for flesh arises,
you should repair to the local
restaurant for a solo steak.’ A
stern view, as can only be expected
in today’s increasingly divisive
and fundamentalist world. Yetvegans and meat-eaters still
mingle happily in non-vegan
restaurants without fear of moral
contamination. So if the flesh
moves you, either go quietly or
invite your host and fellow guests
to join you in a local restaurant.Q. Here’s a useful tip for your
readers who forget what they
want to say: in her twilight years,
my mother solved that problem
by surreptitiously crossing two
of her fingers as soon as she
thought of something. When a
suitable break occurred she was
able to uncross her fingers and
make her contribution. I am now
approaching the same age and
find myself employing the same
technique. I can assure readers it
never lets me down.
— P.W., Glendowie, New ZealandA. Thank you for sharing this tip.Spectator Sport
Barbour-clad southerners
vs the whippet brigade
Roger Alton
League has
done away
with all the
arcane stuff:
set scrums,
mauls/rucks
and line-outsDEAR MARY YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED