LIFEThe things they really should have learned from us.
Instead I’d be the man whose Greece and Rome
Are places living now inside his head,
With lessons for us he brings sharply home —
Yes, I’d go on where Peter Jones has led.
W.J. Webster
When I grow up I wanna be Abe Lincoln.
Or just stay me, ’cause, really, what’s the gain?
I’m just like Abe. We’re both real good at thinkin’.
That China guy has seen my large, large brain.
My face would look real perfect on a penny,
Though that’s a silly kinda place to be.
Much better some big bill. That’s if there’s any
Big bill they make that’s big enough for me.
But Lincoln, he gave speeches. To this day
There’s lots of people who remember those,
’Cause they were rated, some would maybe say,
As big as this one. Who knows? No one knows?
And Lincoln was no wimp. Boy, would he rage!
You got in his way, you would get a thump.
They’ll call me ‘Lincoln of the Modern Age’.
No! They’ll call him the Gettysburgy Trump.
Max Gutmann
When I grow up I want to be John Wesley,
A man of moral force and firm belief.
Not sensual and profane like Elvis Presley,
Or like my Uncle Bob, a drunken thief.
I’d love to do the fire-and-brimstone preaching
That sandbagged listeners until they wept,
To wear out horses travelling, beseeching.
In Wesley the evangel never slept.
He had no time for harsh preordination,
The dogma that put iron in Calvin’s soul.
Like him, I’d be an agent of salvation,
Playing a selfless, liberating role.
Yet though he is the nonesuch, the ideal,
Unless I can suppress my urge to rob
And get shitfaced on plonk at every meal
It’s likely I’ll take after Uncle Bob.
Basil Ransome-Davies
When I grow up I want to be Mad Annie.
I see her in the mirror every day.
She might look like an inoffensive granny
But she’s a troublemaker in her way.
I’ll trail my shopping trolley on the crossing
To demonstrate the slowliness of Zen.
Say ‘bugger off’ to other people’s bossing
And speak my truth to power, now and then.
I won’t install a meshy-dish receiver
And when the nosy neighbours ask me why
I’ll tell them I’m a born-again believer
With other, better ways of seeing sky.
I’ll buy a bit of bargain booze in Aldi,
Drink in the kitchen till I’m off my tits
Then turn the wireless up and give it laldy
Singing along to Webern’s greatest hits.
Ann Drysdale
NO. 3073: NEO-GOTHIC
You are invited to submit a short story in
the Gothic style with a topical twist. Please
email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@
spectator.co.uk by midday on 31 October.
SOLUTION TO 2378: BOUNDARYLIMES (22), a term for a boundary of the ROMAN
EMPIRE (7 30), is a DEFINITION (19) of five items
reading clockwise in the perimeter.First prize Geoff Telfer, Shipley, W. Yorks
Runners-up R.B. Briercliffe, Onchan, Isle of Man;
John Light, Applestone, SurreyAcross
11 Weary junkie’s eaten
mollusc (10)
13 Everything taken into
account, at last, endlessly
(5, two words)
14 Holiday son’s taken from
country in empty spaces
(5)
15 Everybody in work makes
useful by-product (7, two
words)
17 Cheat I rumbled beginning
to look honest (7)
19 Colonnade to put in square
area (4)
22 Stones swapping vocal
parts – they make records
fast (6)
24 Shrinking, like clothes after
dry-cleaning? (9)
25 Take us to the stars,
including Queen (5)
26 Sopranos entertaining
Morse, say – they sang (5)
28 Boycott to run short, in old
measure (9)
33 Cow used by Spenser one
day a week (4)
36 English judge, presumably,
having a thing for climbing
in the Alps (6)
39 Bread and butter, in a
flutter (7)
40 Almost painful noise one
mutes (7)
41 Start to play, foul, dirty
trick (5)
42 Skilled lecturer’s broken
china (5)
43 Shocks chaplain fallen
woman is tempting (10)
44 Do extremely heavy boys
regularly wrestle here? (6)Down
2 Section of Galatians read
up herein? (5)
3 Ring pub where travellers
get charged (7, two words)
4 Want to act as regicide? (6)
5 Some do believe in daggers
(5)
6 Cutting growths out of the
tree (9)
8 Gets up earlier when
securing salary increase (7)
9 What may power motor
cycle, possibly (5)
12 Queen acting to rule South
Africa in verse (10)
16 Parts of church supply
chain store (10)
20 Keynote European
speech’s beginning to bore
me (4)
21 Frank strives to work in
A&E (9)
23 Barrel concealing a lord
(4)
27 Place I like lacks fine
flexibility (7)
29 Hole in volcano sent up a
colourful dye source (7)
30 Struck with a soft lump of
soil (6)
32 Peasants caught noblemen
once (6)
35 Shaving facial hair without
having hidden stuff (5)37 Piece of isolated land has
tenant (5)
38 Undercut the 20th dossier?
(5)A first prize of £30 for the first
correct solution opened on
5 November. There are two
runners-up prizes of £20. (UK
solvers can choose to receive the
latest edition of the Chambers
dictionary instead of cash —
ring the word ‘dictionary’.)
Entries to: Crossword 2381,
The Spectator, 22 Old Queen
Street, London SW1H 9HP.
Please allow six weeks for
prize delivery.Crossword
2381:
Step changes
by Mr Magoo
1 23 4567 89 1011 1213 1415 16 171819 20 21 22 2324 2526 27 28 29
30 31 32 33 3435 36 37 3839 4041 424344 45NameAddressEmail1 Across and 45 Across form a
phrase, and the other unclued
entries form a word ladder
linking them, by changing one
letter at a time, always forming
real words. Elsewhere, ignore
an accent.