the
washington
post
.
thursday,
may
26
,
2022
DC
12
BY MEGHAN LEAHY
Q: My son just found out
he didn’t get into his first
choice of college. I’m not
surprised, because he
didn’t care enough about
his grades to work hard.
He was clearly
disappointed when he got
the news, but an hour later,
it was “just annoying,” then
he showed no further
evidence of anything.
He doesn’t reveal his
emotions easily to me. If
anything, he seems
delusional (“I’m sure I’ll
get in”) and avoidant of
emotion. Now he might not
get into his safety school,
and I mentioned that to
him. He got angry andasked why I would bring
that up, telling me I’m
going to make him worry.
I think I’m beginning to
see that he copes with the
possibility of failure by
denying it could happen.
Then he doesn’t process it
and simply moves on. I’m
worried about this, and
I’m wondering whether
I should guide him in
some way?A: I am sorry your son didn’t get
into his first choice of college.
Whatever we may think about
his efforts and caring, it is
normal for teens to get excited
about a goal (even when it is out
of reach) and to feel crushed
when the dream isn’t realized.
Natural consequences are a part
of life, and the sooner a child
safely experiences them, the
better their resilience. But there
is an undertone of frustrationand hurt in your tone, and we
need to dig into that.
Ross Greene, a child
psychologist and the author of
“The Explosive Child,” says
something I repeat to my clients
and myself quite a bit: “Kids do
well when they can.” I thought of
this saying when I read this
sentence: “I’m not surprised,
because he didn’t care enough
about his grades to work hard.”
As a student who didn’t get good
grades, as a teacher, as a school
counselor, and as a parent and
coach, I have not found that
children just don’t care enough
to work hard. I have found,
almost unequivocally, that
students have some kind of pain,
insecurity, learning issue or self-
esteem problem that is standing
in the way of them doing well.
I am not saying this to make
you feel badly; teens can be very
good at throwing their parents
off the scent of their pain. They
can be snarky, silent, mean or
aloof, and, in your case, they can
be in denial and avoidant. Is he
really delusional? I don’t know,
but a true delusional disorder is
rare and serious, because the
person cannot tell the differencebetween what is real and what is
not. If you think this is the case,
please call a specialist to have
your son assessed.
Otherwise, you are working
with a teen who is in a lot of
emotional pain.
I wish I could sit down with
you and ask, “When did this
avoidance begin?” because, at
17 or 18, it is hard to sort this all
out. Has he been avoidant for
years? When did his grades start
slipping? What has happened in
his life to cause this? Does he
have a learning disorder? And
most importantly, is he
depressed? Many assume that
depression means lying on the
couch and sighing. Although it
can look like that, it also looks
like anger, especially in boys and
men. I don’t know whether
depression is a primary issue or
the result of another issue, such
as a learning disability, or both.
But it is never too late to start
helping your son.
First, stop assuming he didn’t
work hard or didn’t care. That is
probably not true, and it won’t
lead to any good change. Second,
say something like: “I think I
make you worry or feel nervouswhen I ask you about things,
and I don’t want to do that
anymore. Let’s find a better way
to communicate.” This may be
the first time you speak to him
with this level of vulnerability,
so you may need more support.
Finally, start spending some
positive time with your son.
Ta ke him away for the weekend,
go out to eat or watch a movie.
Do anything to bring the two of
you together, so you can learn
more about him. You don’t want
him to just be realistic about his
future, which can be a goal. You
want to understand what makes
him tick, why he is shutting
down and whether he needs
professional help.
Again, please reach out to his
pediatrician or an expert who
works with older teens for
guidance. You don’t have to do
this alone. Good luck. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice , where
you can also find past columns. Send parenting questions to
Leahy at [email protected].Family
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My son didn’t make it into his top college choice. What can I do?
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