the times Saturday May 28 202212 Body + Soul
interested in them. This is particularly
true if a man is also harbouring con-
cerns about sexual function. A man
who is worried about his lack of
sexual desire needs reassurance that
if he tries to engage in sex and he fails
to live up to expectations, he is not
going to be judged or humiliated.
It is also important to help your
husband to understand that the
causes of low libido are hardly
ever purely biological. Pres-
sure at work, family obliga-
tions, relationship conflict,
ill health, anxiety, alcohol,
tiredness or a nasty gas bill
can take the joy out of sex at
any age, but when everyday
stressors are exacerbated by
fears about sexual function, it
can leave men feeling anxious
and impotent.
Being realistic about natural
fluctuations in sexual desire
can really take the pressure
off. In fact, accepting the
inevitability of these fluc-
tuations during the course
of a relationship can actually
help to maintain desire. Like-
wise, knowing and talking
about the fact that these
differences often work them-
selves out naturally over time
was found to be the best way
for a couple to address any
discrepancies.
Send your queries
to weekendsex@
thetimes.co.ukmore complex explanation for decreased
sexual desire.
In 2016 Dr Sarah Murray, a relationship
therapist, conducted face-to-face inter-
views with 30 middle-aged men, with an
average age of 43, who were all in long-
term heterosexual relationships. For the
majority of participants (73 per cent), the
need to feel desired by their partner was
described as having the largest impact on
their experience of sexual desire, and the
most significant evidence of their partner’s
desire for them was when she initiated
sexual activity. The men in Murray’s study
also appreciated receiving compliments
about their physical appearance and they
responded to their partner’s enthusiasm
for sex. When Murray repeated the study
in 2021, nearly all the participants said that
feeling desired was very important to their
sexual desire.
Although these findings sound like
common sense, a lot of women don’t
realise how much they rely on men to
make the first move and they forget how
important it is to communicate to their
partner that they actually want sex. Men
need some indication that their partner isQ
My husband and I are
in our late forties and
have been happily
married for eight years, but
he has gradually become
less interested in having sex.
Every other area of our
relationship is good and he
assures me he is still happy
and attracted to me. Can
that really be true? Has his
libido decreased?
Suzi Godson
Sex counsel
He fancies me but
doesn’t want sex
A
It is natural for libido to decline
with age but it is less common for
men of your husband’s age to
have no interest in sex. In the
most recent National Survey of Sexual
Attitudes and Lifestyles (2013), for exam-
ple, 15 per cent of men aged 45-54 said that
they lacked interest in sex compared with
38 per cent of women in the same age
group. Your husband is probably acutely
conscious of the fact that he is not
getting any younger and he is almost
certainly aware that ageing causes a grad-
ual decrease in testosterone, which can
have a negative impact on libido and
sexual function.
The tendency to focus exclusively on
biological causes is not helpful, though.
Most studies that look at sexual difficulties
in men are conducted with university
students (because it is easy to find
them on campus), or with older men seek-
ing treatment for sexual problems
(because it is easy to find them in clinics).
There are far fewer studies of domestic
sex in middle-aged men who have been
married to the same woman for decades,
and those that do exist present a muchMen’s Health
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