F
our-day weekend, kids. Four days! I’m not going
to waste them. I refuse. I might treat myself to
a cucumber sandwich or a slice of cake. Or both.
But I’m going to use the remaining 95.5 hours
of the jubilee extravaganza wisely. I’m going to
get stuff done. I will be clinical, efficient and
organised. Happiness is ticking things off a
to-do list. Misery is writing a to-do list and then
spending four days on a sofa watching horses
march up and down the Mall. I choose
happiness. I just need the perfect to-do list.1 Build the cupboard under the stairs. This is the big
one. It’s been seven years — one tenth of the second
Elizabethan age — since I got a carpenter in to quote.
“Eight hundred pounds,” he said with, somehow,
a straight face. “Thank you and goodbye,” I said.
“But we need an under-stair cupboard,” Harriet said.
“Don’t worry,” I replied heroically, “I’ll do it myself.
How hard can it be?”
I have already ordered some old doors off eBay.
They were too small at one end and too big at the
other, which was expected, and they had woodworm,
which wasn’t. “Send them back,” said Harriet.
“I’ll just order some woodworm treatment and
a mitre saw,” I said. “When I’ve got more time.”
So the cupboard got shelved, the years rolled by
and now I’ve got four days. Four! Let’s start again.
Let’s do this right.1 Order some woodworm treatment. And a mitre
saw. And some safety spectacles. Can’t be too careful.
2 Build the cupboard under the stairs. No, wait. I’ll
need the cordless drill.1 Find the charger for the cordless drill. It’s probably
in one of those boxes under the cupboardless stairs.
“Why do you never put things back in the right place
when you’ve used them,” Harriet starts to say but
I shush her because I’m writing this to-do list. See,
this is what I’m talking about. Organisation. Planning.
Efficiency. I’m like one of those self-help gurus who
flog their unique/identical systems of time-saving.
Chapter One: stop spending so much time reading
books about saving time.CHARLIE CLIFT FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES MAGAZINE
MATT RUDD
1 Buy flowers for Harriet to apologise for the
completely unnecessary shushing.
2 Sort out all the boxes under the stairs although
the charger for the drill might be in the garage,
which has got completely out of control, so let’s
sort the garage out first.1 No, remember, the reason the garage has got
completely out of control is because the garage light
needs a new bulb. You can’t sort a garage out in the
dark, can you? Except you tried to get a new bulb
before but the bulb has no code on it so you need to
take the bulb to an actual bulb shop except there isn’t
an actual bulb shop near where you live any more. So...1 Drive miles and miles to a bulb shop and get a bulb
specialist to identify the mystery bulb. Then — no,
wait. The car tax is going to run out on Thursday. You’re
going to forget to renew it and then get arrested on the
way to the bulb shop and then not have time to build
the cupboard under the stairs. There was a car tax form.
Where has it gone? Is it in that pile of random
correspondence in the kitchen?
“Why is there a pile of random correspondence in
the kitchen,” Harriet says. “Why are you interrupting
me when I’m trying to write this to-do list,” I reply.1 Find the form and pay the car tax.
2 Move the pile of correspondence from the kitchen
to the spare bedroom. Stop. Think. You started doing
that in March 2020, didn’t you? It was fine then. An
emergency measure. No one filed in lockdown. But
that was more than two years ago and the spare
bedroom now looks like someone lobbed a hand
grenade into a post office. What if we ever decide
to have house guests again? They won’t be able to
find the bed. What if there are other things we’re
supposed to have renewed?1 Sort out the paperwork mountain, renew everything
that should already have been renewed for goodness’
sake, illuminate the garage and tidy it and the boxes
under the stairs.
According to some people who found enough
time to do a ridiculous survey, 41 per cent of things
written on a to-do list don’t get done. Apparently,
we’re terrible at following our own orders.
2 Phone the carpenter and ask him if his extortionate
quote from seven years ago is still valid.
3 Sit back, relax and watch some horses marching up
and down the Mall n
@mattruddThe spare bedroom looks
like someone threw a hand
grenade in a post office
How to be king of the jubilee weekend:
step one — write a to-do list
The Sunday Times Magazine • 5Banca do Antfer
Telegram: https://t.me/bancadoantfer
Issuhub: https://issuhub.com/user/book/
Issuhub: https://issuhub.com/user/book/