W
hile sitting in the
perma-traffic jam
that clogs up the
A40 in western
London the other
day, I had time
for a good look
round and I
realised that I
hated every single
car I could see.
There was some kind of MG
SUV and the usual array of
Toyota Priuses, and the
inevitable Tesla, and a boxy
Ford that had exactly the same
number of outstanding features
as a sheet of absolutely nothing
at all. And not one of these cars
had been built to be fast or fun
or exciting in any way.
When I first started to write
about cars, fun was really all that
mattered. And fun was measured
in terms of how quickly the cargot from zero to 60 miles an
hour. Even Morris banged on
about this, saying their new Ital
could accelerate faster than a
Saab. Everyone did. Because
people cared.
The consumer magazine
W hat Car? would fit a scientific
fifth wheel to the back of every
car they tested and then spend
a whole morning burning
through tyres and clutches in a
desperate bid to produce a
better 0 to 60 time than Autocar
had managed.
Car-makers would even cheat,
fitting their press demonstrators
with wastegates that were
welded shut and camshafts that
lifted the valves into the
stratosphere. This meant the
car would go from 0 to 60 very
quickly, but only once.
I once bought a Scirocco GLi
because Car magazine said itcould do the 0 to 60 sprint in
8.1 seconds, which meant it was
better in every way than my
mate’s Chevette HS, which
took 8.2 seconds. We’d argue
about that tenth for hours
because we knew that the faster
your car accelerated, the better
and more attractive you were
as a person.
Today, though, all that’s gone,
and it’s no good blaming fuel
costs because we’ve been
through that before, many
times, and it didn’t affect the
way we thought. And besides,
a car doesn’t have to be dull if
it’s economical. My Wolseley
pedal car was tremendous and
that didn’t use any petrol at all.
I don’t have a clue what’s
caused the change in attitude,
but no one seems to want fun
from their family cars anymore.
They just want USB ports.DRIVING●Jeremy Clarkson
If it has enough USB ports, nobody
cares if it accelerates like a tortoise
REVIEW:
KIA SPORTAGE
GT-LINE S
50 • The Sunday Times Magazine