The Washington Post - USA (2022-05-29)

E16 EZ EE THE WASHINGTON POST.SUNDAY, MAY 29 , 2022

Carolyn Hax is

away. The

following is from

Feb. 1 and 13,

2008.

Carolyn: I feel like
a horrible person.
My boyfriend’s
mother seems like
a really nice person and only has
good intentions, but she grates
on my last nerve. Her only fault is
that she talks about things that
make me uncomfortable, things I
only would want to talk about
with people I am close with.
I don’t know why it bothers me
so much. I want to get to a point
where it doesn’t, because it
prevents me from developing the
closeness that she is trying to get.
I know she isn’t bad and that this
is my issue, but I don’t know how
to loosen up and not be so
offended by her. It upsets my
boyfriend that I don’t love her;
he’s never known anyone not to.
— Maryland

Maryland: Repeat after me: His
mother drives you nuts; you are
perfectly capable of deciding for
yourself who drives you nuts;

disliking someone is not an

affliction to be cured, it is a

reaction to be managed.

A perfectly normal reaction.

Feeling pressured to reveal

private information is a sign of

poor social skills — on the part of

the person applying the pressure.

In fact, dislike is normal in

general; it’s part of social

interaction. The person who

believes there’s such a thing as

being adorable to every soul on

Earth needs to stop hanging out

with the To oth Fairy.

Do you see the lines where

your skin ends, and where the air

around you begins? Those are

your limits. Outside those limits,

you will find other people, many

of whom will have ideas about

ways you should live your life,

including whom you should like

and what you should feel

comfortable discussing.

The duty of outsiders isn’t to

force those ideas upon you (or

manipulate you into them by

noting “everyone else” says you’re

wrong). It is, instead, to accept

that you will form opinions

different from theirs; to respect

your right to do so; and to form

their opinion of you based on the

whole — of your judgment, of

your actions, of the quality of

your companionship. Your

boyfriend is dating a private

person. Either he likes that about

you and accepts it and

understands that it puts you at

odds with his mother’s style, or

he finds someone else for his

mother to love.

You, of course, may not even

like it about yourself that you’re

so private. But you are inside the

limits of you, and that entitles

you to scrutinize, second-guess

and generally mess with the

mechanics of your judgment all

you want, in a way that no one

else has any business doing. You

can figure out what makes you a

certain way, and whether that’s

something you think you can

change, and are willing to take

on. In this case, if you think the

problem is that you’re too

reticent, not that the mother is

pushy, then, great, work on it.

In other words, you don’t

scrutinize/second-guess/self-

flagellate just because your

boyfriend is moping and his

mother is closing in fast. As long

as you employ it kindly, using

your own judgment does not

make you “a horrible person.” It

makes you you.

Hi, Carolyn: I have a friend who

just hit 37 and is single. He is

leaning heavily toward

dismissing the notion of having

children because by the time he

met someone, decided she was

worth having a kid with, and

conceived a child, the earliest he

would probably see a baby is just

shy of 40 — which he sees as

being too old for kids, financially,

physically, etc.

How do I have a conversation

that illustrates that he doesn’t

need to shop for the retirement

village at 37?

— Downtown D.C.

Downtown D.C.: You don’t. He’s

not arguing the merits of walking

into traffic; he’s stating an

opinion that he can’t even act on

yet. And when he can, the only

relevant counterargument will be

the one from Her Worthiness

herself.

If your real question is, how to

help a guy who’s 37, single and

blue, then that’s a different

answer — though it still isn’t to

sketch out his new life with your

words. If he’s depressed, then

urge treatment; if he’s just

moping, then invite him along

while you set an example of

getting on with your life.

Write to Carolyn Hax at

[email protected]. Get her

column delivered to your inbox each

morning at wapo.st/gethax.

 Join the discussion live at noon

Fridays at washingtonpost.com/live-

chats.

Gasp! You don’t like your boyfriend’s mom?! Good thing you’re not dating her.

Carolyn
Hax

NICK

GALIFIANAKIS/ILLUSTRATION

F OR THE WASHINGTON

POST

Dear Amy: I have
a 12-year-old
daughter who
belongs to a youth
group at church.
When she joined,
the leaders asked for her cell
number so they could contact
her about activities.
Our daughter does not have a
cellphone because we believe
she is too young. The leaders
then added my cell number
(without my permission).
They send out a couple of text
messages each week, which then
end up with 15 to 20 replies
because the girls use it to
comment, talk, joke, etc. —
completely off topic.
Each time this happens, I ask
the leaders to remove my
number, which they do, and then
a few weeks later I am back on
their list and getting the group
texts again.
I have complained and asked
them to stop adding me, but
their most recent reply was that
this is how they communicate,
and they are concerned that my
daughter will miss out.
Their activities are weekly and
are always held at the same time.
My daughter has not missed
out yet, and I am getting
frustrated with having my
cellphone blow up every time
they start a new chain.
How do I get these leaders to
show some common text
courtesy without pulling my
daughter from a group of friends
she wants to be with?
What is appropriate texting in
these situations?
— Fed Up

Fed Up: Given that this is the

way they notify the group about

meetings, it seems prudent for

you to receive texts from the

youth leaders. You might want to

hand your phone to your

daughter for a period of time so

she can participate in these

conversations — or at least to

confirm that she has received

the message.

(Personally, I would also have

an interest, albeit limited, in

what these kids were talking

about — but I take it as a given

that you don’t.)

You have many options. You

could “block” the originating

phone number (and you would

not receive any calls or texts

from the number).

It is very easy to turn off

notifications altogether (the

texts will arrive, but your phone

won’t ping or vibrate); you can

also “mute” texts from a specific

phone number.

You could also receive the first

text, take in the information,

and then “leave the

conversation” by clicking on that

option.

Ways to perform these

functions vary based on the kind

of phone you use. Use an

Internet search to see how to

reset the notifications on your

specific phone.

Dear Amy: My wife and I were

invited to my youngest brother’s

wedding.

Because of the large age

difference between us, we’ve

never been close.

There’s no animosity or issues,

we’re just borderline strangers

to each other (I don’t even have

his phone number).

If we decline the invite, my

father will be extremely upset.

To avoid that, my wife and I have

decided that we’ll attend the

ceremony and leave before the

reception.

My question is: How do we

RSVP in this situation?

We’re not attending the

reception and I don’t want them

to waste money buying us a

dinner we won’t be there to eat.

It may even open up a couple

more spaces at the reception for

friends with whom the couple is

better acquainted.

Thoughts?

— Elder Brother

Elder: You state that you are not

close to this brother, but only

because of the age gap between

you. And now this family

member has invited you to

celebrate an important

milestone in his life.

The way to get close — or

closer — is to show up for him,

to become acquainted with his

wife and her family, and to meet

their friends.

You don’t seem to want to do

any of this, however, and so you

should respond: “My wife and I

will be at the ceremony, but

unfortunately we will have to

leave before the reception. We

hope you have a great time, and

wish you all the very best for a

wonderful celebration.”

Dear Amy: “From the

Heartland” wondered how to

respond to her fat-shaming

friends.

Due to a chronic illness, I am

underweight at 5-foot-3 and a

hundred pounds.

Several years ago, I was with

my sister-in-law at a restaurant.

She ordered her lunch, and I

ordered soup.

The server commented,

“Sure, skinny-mini will just

have soup.” To this day, I regret

not speaking with her

supervisor.

— Donna in Colorado

Donna: I hope your response is

posted on employee bulletin

boards: It is never appropriate

to comment on a person’s body.

Amy's column appears seven days a

week at washingtonpost.com/advice.

Write to [email protected]

or Amy Dickinson, P.O. Box 194,

Freeville, N.Y. 13068.  You can

also follow her @askingamy.

© 2 022 by Amy Dickinson distributed by

Tribune Content Agency

Parent is at a loss about how to depart a group chat with excessive chatter

Ask Amy

AMY
DICKINSON

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