UPFROnT
Interview Si Hawkins Illustration Bill McConkeyASK A SILLY QUESTIOn
then they’d walk away. Maybe a kick to
the shin – do they want some of that?
No thanks. If we Google your name,
one of the first pictures that pops up
shows Zlatan screaming in your face.
Do you wish that wasn’t true?
There’s a ton of photos that aren’t ideal
but tell a story. People might claim it’s
humiliating, but in reply I’d say, “Have
you ever played against Ibrahimovic?”
People seem to overlook the fact that
Zlatan is a massive nark.
He’s a weirdo, but his online squad is
very active. So after that incident, even
though he was in the wrong, they all
let me know what they thought. He’s
like a cult leader.
In the iconic ‘Agueroooo’ clip, you’re
in the background looking hacked off
for QPR. Does it still annoy you?
I look devastated. It’s fine now, but at
the time it was stressful. We thought
that goal was going to relegate us, and
it was in a ground I used to play in with
my old team-mates. Watching it again
takes me back to the stress!
What’s the softest thing about you?
Adebayo Akinfenwa once told us he
cries watching Disney films.
On the pitch, I was always apologising
to people. I was always polite, even to
people I don’t like.
‘Oh, undue moan’ is an anagram of
your name. What do you gripe about?
I try to be positive. But the bane of my
existence is people with loud opinions
who can’t explain their view if you ask
them, and bang on parroting someone
else. Go away and figure it out!
Finally, would you encourage FFT to
splash lots of cash on cryptocurrency
in an insane get rich quick scheme?
Great question. I’m not invested in it,
although I think a bunch of people are
creating something around it that may
be bigger than cryptocurrency itself.
The innovation is incredible but it’s also
a world full of grifters. I’d say you need
to do it for the right reasons.
We’ll bear it in mind. Ta for chatting!
Cheers!‘Kicking Back’ by Nedum Onuoha is out
now, published by Biteback Publishingn EDUM ‘STAYIn’ ALIVE’ On UOHA
“I WAS InTO MATHS –
I LOVE FOOTBALL DATA.
I’M A PERVERT FOR IT”
Hi Nedum! You studied accountancy,
saying it was “one of the most boring
years in my life.” Can you do us a nice
XLS spreadsheet?
Hi! Yeah, it was bad. I’d go to university
knackered after training, thinking about
football, and we’d talk about forecasts
and financial law for two hours. I’d be
sat by a radiator nodding off. I’d think,
‘Why am I doing this by choice?’ I don’t
have a special calculator and can’t do
a spreadsheet. I don’t even really need
a computer!
Did your number-crunching prowess
come in handy when locked in tough
contract negotiations?
Not really, though I still like the human
side of economics. I was into maths at
school. I like to figure out trends, and
I love football data and statistics – I’m
a pervert for that.
You still hold a British record for the
under-15s standing triple jump. How
do you nail a top hop, skip and jump?
It sounds odd, but if you want to move
forward quickly or jump high, the thing
you have to use the most is the ground- you need to attack it. That’s crucial.
It served me pretty well as a footballer.
As someone experienced in athletics,
how far could you chuck a fish finger?
It depends – is it well cooked or frozen?
I haven’t got the best arm for throwing,
but I reckon I could arc it to about 40
metres. Does that seem respectable?
Very. Jamie Lawrence says he could
only throw it 15 feet.
That’s unacceptable – I would sling it.
You went to school around the corner
from fellow Manchester legends the
Bee Gees. In their heydey, could you
have taken on all three Gibb brothers
in a fight?
Yes. The key would be to obliterate one
Bee Gee, to scare the other two. What
I do to the first would settle the debate,
The ex-Man City stopper on kicking Bee Gees where it hurts, Zlatan weirdos and flinging fish fingers