Four Four Two - UK (2022-07)

40 July 2022 FourFourTwo

RECORD

SCORERS

THE TEMPER TRAP

Godfrey Chitalu scored 79 times for Zambia,
and once reportedly bagged 116 goals for
club and country in a single calendar year.
His patience was in shorter supply, though.
A boxer during his youth, Chitalu was known
for meting out retribution to defenders who
tried to rough him up, and was once sent off
after responding to a booking by giving his
name as Denis Law. A ban ensued, as did
another after he booted an opponent during
an exhibition game against Cardiff. Chitalu
also whacked an opposition chairman after
a club match, then received a six-month ban
after leaving a national team training camp
without permission. Imagine how many
goals he’d have scored had he not always
been suspended. Nor did it stop when he
retired: as assistant boss of Kabwe Warriors,
he charged onto the field during one game
and punched a referee in the face. He was
swiftly banned for life, later lifted on appeal,
presumably after reminding authorities he
was a Zambian legend. What’s the point of
79 international goals if they can’t get you
out of a lifetime ban, eh?

THE ITALIAN BODGE

Italy may have lifted four World Cups, but
their national goalscoring record is curiously
low – even neighbours Malta boast a higher
figure. While former Coventry striker Michael
Mifsud hit 42 for the island minnows, Italy’s
record still sits at just 35 – that’s catenaccio
for you. Roberto Baggio, Alessandro Del
Piero and pals all tried and failed to overhaul
ex-Cagliari forward Gigi Riva, who scored his
goals between 1965 and 1974, including the
first in the Euro 68 Final. “Riva plays poetic
football – he’s a realistic poet,” film director
Pier Paolo Pasolini once famously said of him.
Nope, we don’t know what he meant either.

“TOO FAR SOUTH ANYWAY...”

No player has ever scored more goals for
the Faroe Islands than Rogvi Jacobsen (er,
10) – but they still weren’t enough to earn
him a Carlisle United contract. The talisman
failed to secure a deal during a 2007 trial
with the Cumbrians, and he’s not the only
international record goalscorer to have been

snubbed in England – Hong Kong’s Chan Siu

Ki was turned down by Spurs, Grenada’s

Ricky Charles didn’t make it at West Brom,

Tanzania’s Mrisho Ngasa was rejected by

West Ham, and Arsenal let go of Tomas

Danilevicius after just three appearances as

a substitute. He went on to bag a record 19

goals for Lithuania, teaching Arsene Wenger

a lesson or two – after all, which records did

that Thierry fella he played upfront with

break? Apart from the French goalscoring

record. And the Arsenal one. You win, Arsene.

SEXY SANTA

Former Blackburn goal-getter Roque Santa

Cruz was voted by German magazine Kicker

as the sexiest man to appear at the 2006

World Cup (hard luck, Crouchy) – but things

weren’t always easy before the Paraguayan

record holder’s big move to Europe. At first

club Olimpia, Santa Cruz endured quite the

learning curve under club president Osvaldo

Dominguez Dibb. “He always wanted us to

come up to him to pick up our wages – if you

hadn’t played well, he asked, ‘What is it you

want?’ while tapping a Kalashnikov on his

desk,” explained the ex-frontman. “Once, we

lost a derby – he entered the room where we

all spent the night ahead of games and fired

several shots into the ceiling. When a player

put in a bad performance, he just strolled up

to their car and urinated inside it while they

were standing right next to him.” It’s no

wonder he started scoring so many goals.

TAXI DRIVER

It’s not unusual for national heroes to get

entangled in politics... and it doesn’t always

go well. Iraq’s record scorer Hussein Saeed

became vice-president of the country’s FA,

working under Uday Hussein, son of Saddam

• a link that wasn’t popular with everybody,
  given reports that Uday tortured players who
  lost matches. Syrian forward Firas Al-Khatib
  took the opposite approach a decade later –
  unwilling to align himself with president
  Bashar al-Assad after air strikes hit his home
  city of Homs, he quit the national team from
  2012-2017 and then broke the country’s
  goalscoring record two years after his return.
  Hakan Sukur had already set Turkey’s goal
  record and retired by the time he strayed
  into politics. Just as well: having been elected
  to parliament in 2011, he was charged with
  insulting president Recep Tayyip Erdogan

and being a member of the outlawed Gulen

movement, blamed for an attempted coup

in the country. Another ex-Blackburn striker,

he fled to California in 2017, where he’s since

worked as an Uber driver.

A COMPLETE NONO

In some cases, goalscorers are simply living

up to their name. Myo Hlaing Win ensured

many wins with his record 36 international

strikes for Myanmar; Lester More just kept

scoring more and more for Cuba, reaching

30 goals in total. They’re not the only record

holders with notable nomenclature, though:

Tico-Tico was so good they named him twice,

converting 30 times for Mozambique, while

Yemen’s milestone is held by the brilliantly

named Ali Al-Nono. If fans didn’t serenade

every strike with a 2 Unlimited chant, they

were definitely missing a trick.