LIVINGWITH
OC
Dmarieclaire.com.aumarieclaire.com.au 6161“Most of the time, the intrusive thoughts you get are
shameful and go against all your beliefs and morals”
LISA BULPIN, 35, MARKETING MANAGERI
was formally diagnosed
with obsessive-compulsive
disorder (OCD) last year.
Before that, I had thought
I just sufered from anxiety. I
had many rituals as a child. I’d
have to go out and wish on a star
every night. It had to be the first
star I saw and I’d have to wish
for everyone to be safe. If I didn’t
do it, I would be convinced
everyone was in danger.
I’d also make a funny noise
in my throat when I was going to
sleep. I was sure I wasn’t breath-
ing – the noise was my way of
checking. It made me feel safe,
but it used to drive my friends
crazy when we had sleepovers.
Being a perfectionist, or lik-
ing things in a certain order,
does not make you OCD. OCD is
a mental obsession filled with
doubt and fear. You experience
intrusive, obsessive thoughts
that you have no control over
and literally can’t stop thinking.
Then come the compulsions –
actions you perform to try to
stop the obsessions. My compul-
sions are designed to help me
avoid my own thoughts (I often
count continuously in my head
so I don’t think) or the things
that trigger me.
Most of the time, the
intrusive thoughts you get are
shameful and go against all your
beliefs and morals. One of the
awful things about OCD is that
it attacks the things you love themost. For some people, that may
be religion or a relationship. In
my case, it’s being a mother. I re-
member hearing about a man
who had raped a baby on the
news. I thought, “Who would do
something like that?” But, from
there, I had the intrusive
thought, “What would happen if
I did something like that?” Even
though I knew it was something
I’d never do, the OCD “what ifs”
just wouldn’t go away. I was tor-
mented by them and it made me
fearful of myself. I began to
avoid my eight-year-old son and
all other children just in case I
was some sort of deviant person.
If I’m having a very bad epi-
sode it can take days, sometimes
weeks, to get a handle on it. It
completely impacts my day
because it takes precedence over
everything. I am stuck in a
living hell I can’t escape – a hell
other people can’t see. When I’m
having a good day, I’m able
to catch the obsession before
it starts spiralling.
People with OCD are some
of the kindest humans there are.
We’re more worried about
harming other people than any-
thing else, and that overtakes
our lives. We do not have any
self-confidence because it’s hard
to separate yourself from your
thoughts. But understanding
that you are not your thoughts,
and you cannot control them, is
the first step to recovery.REAL LIFE