A P-PLATER WAS ATTEMPTING A REVERSE
PARK. IT WASN’T LOOKING GOOD, AS
MISS OBLIVIOUS APPROACHED THE
PERPENDICULAR PARK AT 45 DEGREES
WITH NO STEERING INPUT IN SIGHT
back to the lady hanging around my van earlier
that morning. Sure enough, once we stopped I
discovered the note was an apology for running
into my car. Only then did I stand back and see a
scuff running along the lower front guard behind
the wheel. It wasn’t serious, and looked likely to
buff out, which was lucky, but at least she had
the decency to notify me and actually leave her
name and contact details so the repair could be
sorted quickly.
We couldn’t believe it. One hit and one very
close call all within the space of an hour. It got
us thinking about the hows and whys of this
problem. Smaller car spaces, poorer driver vision
due to bigger window pillars, and people relying
on apps and park-assist over actual driver skill are
all up there, but sometimes it just comes down
to people being morons, plain and simple. Here
a are few examples you may have encountered.
We certainly have.
THE ABSTRACT ARTIST: The car park is
straight, the lines are straight, all the other cars
are parked straight, so why the hell is your car
parked crooked? This is usually accompanied
by full lock to bust your shins and driven hard
up against your driver’s door on their passenger
side so you can’t get in. The real entitled lazy
ones take up multiple spots. Often has a domino
effect that throws the entire row out of sync.
Then they leave and make someone else look like
the fool. Mark my words:
They will park perpendicular to the kerb, but only
when the spaces require diagonal parking.
THE AUSTIN POWERS: Back and forth, back
and forth, back and forth trying to get in and/
or out of a car park they’ve approached at the
completely wrong angle.
THE DR EVIL: As per The Austin Powers, but
still with two metres of play room at each end
before they even look like hitting another car – a
fact obvious to everyone else but themselves.
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: All car park rules,
common courtesy and the laws of physics are
null and void when the Christmas shopping
rush hits. Best to avoid at all costs and buy all
your family and friends online vouchers from the
safety of your own home.
THE CLING-ON: The car park is near-
completely empty, with spaces aplenty, but this
fool insists on parking right next to you. And well
into your personal space.
THE DAVID COPPERFIELD: You spot a lone
car spot and haul down the lane to nab it, only
to hook in and find some jobber with a scooter
or motorbike has parked it hard up against the
opposite end, making that empty spot just an
illusion. In the old days it was Minis too, but age
has culled that problem.
THE GAMBLER: Just shut your eyes and hope
for the best. Using brail and parking by feel is a
valid option, isn’t it? Also known to be applied
when leaving a spot: You know the deal, you’re
driving through a busy shopping centre car park
and they just reverse out without looking. You
can actually see them not turning around or using
their mirrors; they just cross their fingers that
everyone will give way!
THE HOUDINI: Your car is damaged but the
adjacent spot is empty with nary a culprit or note
to be found.
THE HUMAN SHIELD: An oldie but a goodie.
After you’ve driven around in a circle twice or
maybe three times on a busy Saturday morning,
you spot an empty park just a few cars ahead.
Except when you get there, you find someone
standing in the middle and busily waving you
away to signal that the spot’s taken by a car
that’s not actually there yet. Not
as commonplace these days; it’smore something Grandpa used
to get Grandma to do back
when you were a kid.
THE MAN-BUN: The type of
guy who uses a handbrake to
do a hill start – in an automatic.
The park itself is exquisitely neat and tidy, but he
does bash the crap out of your door mirror with
his man-bag as he naively saunters past.
THE MIX MASTER: All they need to do is
reverse straight in, but they insist on turning lock-
to-lock the entire way, venturing dangerously
close to your ride.
THE PAUL MURRAY: Poor Paul Murray. With
its gorgeous Candy Apple Red paint and murals,
Paul’s custom HR panel van, Iron Man, acts as a
magnet for wayward drivers. They’ll hit you, then
claim to be car enthusiasts and go on to tell you
how awesome your car is. Errrr, was.
THE PINGER: It’s time to get frightened when
you see a passenger hop out and start visually
signalling the driver to assist with the park, justlike the folks on the airport tarmac with the ping-
pong bats guiding a plane to the gate – except
those people actually have communication skills.
Return to your vehicle immediately and move it.
Move it now.
THE SANDSHOE: Nothing needs to be said
here. It’s universally not cool to steal someone
else’s park, especially if they’re already indicating.
THE SHELF LIFE: Have you ever returned to
your car to find some oxygen thief using your
boot as a shelf to store their bags while they
unlock their shitter? It happened to me once
with my Valiant hardtop and I stiff-armed all
their breakables onto the ground. I was further
enraged when I was told to calm down because
it was “only an old car”. Them’s fighting words
right there.
THE SLO-MO: The person is at their car
unpacking groceries, but as soon as they see
you indicating for their spot, everything thereafter
happens in that epic Six Million Dollar Man-style
slow motion. Bags that should have taken a
minute to put in the boot now take an hour, and
then they sit in the car updating Facebook before
they even contemplate moving for you. Hey,
they’re not giving up their spot without a fight!
Even though they’re planning to leave anyway.
Go figure.
THE SLOPPY JALOPY: Remember the kids
who couldn’t colour within the lines at primary
school? Well they’ve got their licence and
are now struggling to park their car betweenthe lines too. Front or back, side to side, it’s
always messy.
THE TRUCKSTER: Did that 4WD just put on
a maxi-brake?!? Oh no, that was the sound of
the sealed tomb of air con being opened and
seven screaming kids piling out and slamming
their doors into yours with reckless abandon –
often accompanied with a wispy, post-damage
“Be careful kids” from the parent just for
appearances’ sake, but executed with zero care-
factor and ignored by said children holus bolus.
Words won’t fix my car, mate.
Admit it, we all hate the above offenders,
particularly as car enthusiasts. Car parks are a
forced medium for co-operation, but seriously,
who would think that parking between two lines
could be that hard? Choosing to drive and enjoy
your car can be perilous, and it really comes
down to pot-luck most of the time. But apart from
swathing your ride in bubble wrap or attaching
a full dodgem-car bumper bar, what more can
you do? sAPP-P
HTT
yTh ill k di l h k b b l
asm
to
wg
d
Th k i lf i