GQ_Australia-December_2017

“YOU “YOU “YOU “YOU

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER

FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING

LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN

TO ME.”TO ME.”TO ME.”TO ME.”TO ME.”TO ME.”

Sadly, finding a way to bring

to an end the scourge of domestic violence

is about as realistic as ending violence

altogether. But what can be done, at least, to

bring about a reduction in its stranglehold?

Here, there are as many opinions as there

are experts.

Bradley says society needs to be braver.

“It’s unlikely you’re going to see the shoving

and the pushing, but there’s the stuff we don’t

see unless we look carefully – the indicators

are there and you know people who are on

the DV spectrum,” she cautions.

“Of course, it’s hard to say to a mate,

‘what you’re doing is abusive’, so what we

say to people is just don’t be complicit. It’s

important to come at it from a ‘I don’t think

that’s right’ place, rather than a ‘You’re

wrong’ place, because if you attack them or

accuse them, they’re going to close down.

“The main thing is to grow awareness in

terms of what sits on that spectrum of abuse,

that it’s a lot more than physical and verbal,

it’s about the subtle undertones, and that

there is an escalation if it’s not attended to.”

The biggest issue for men, of course, is

recognising that they need help – and being

willing to ask for it.

“They feel like there’s a weakness in asking

for asssistance, or a stigma about seeing a

therapist, but it’s actually a strong and very

courageous thing to do,” adds Bradley.

“If everyone felt as if they could self

manage their emotional bucket, and go to

a good therapist whenever they feel stressed

or depressed, and understand that if your

body is flagging from stress, because you

need to hit pause and look at your life

equation, we’d be a lot better off.”

Interestingly, Kay says Cannon, who he

speaks of in awed tones and describes as a

mentor, is the person we should be listening

to, because “he’s been through it all – he

knows what he’s talking about”.

Cannon’s life before counselling was

certainly colourful. He was a professional

musician from a young age – touring with

everyone from Sammy Davis Jr and Frank

Sinatra to Cold Chisel – started drinking at

13 and eventually fell into heavy drug use.

It was only through seeking counselling

that he realised his calling, and he’s thrown

himself into it with the academic rigour of

a scientist and the large heart of someone

who’s known suffering.

He believes it’s time to take a bolder,

broader approach.

“I gave a speech about it at the White

Ribbon breakfast last year and the NSW

Premier was in the room and people were

shocked. But the fact is, we need to change

how we’re parenting, because that’s where it

starts,” he says.

“The most profound risk factor is the home

environment – people become violent

because of adverse childhood experiences.”

Cannon says the figures that really hit

home for him come from a well-known ACE

study in the US – one which looked at around

17,000 people and found, among its “mind-

boggling results,” that a boy who grows up

in a home where there is domestic violence is

up to 800 per cent more likely to be a violent

husband or partner as an adult.

“And a woman who grows up in that kind

of household is equally as likely to end up

being a victim.

“Sure, we could put aspects of care into the

education system, to help young people, even

from primary school, skill-up to self-regulate

really well. Yeah, you could start there. But it

won’t help if there’s stress and duress at home.

That’s where the change has to happen.

Otherwise we’re just going to keep treating

the symptoms, ad infinitum, forever.”

I was lucky. The step-father who

wrought his foul violence against my mother

wasn’t around for long, and I’ll always be

thankful that she had the strength to remove

him from our lives.

But still I watch myself. And I’ll admit

that I once raised a fist to an ex-girlfriend,

but I don’t think I ever meant to use it. I

hope not, because the fear in her eyes in

that moment pierced me in a way I can still

feel. And I’ve never let rage beat me that

badly again.

Watching your friends is harder, or just

something you don’t even attempt to do. I’ve

wondered, and worried, about a few and more

so the deeper I’ve delved into the statistics.

But saying something isn’t just hard, it feels

closer to impossible.

In writing this story, though, the words

of Andrew King got to me – his line about

a man hitting a wall and breaking his hand,

about what that represents. Because I have

a close friend who’s done exactly that. And

I remember we laughed about it at the time.

And so I had to ask this mate, after several

beers and before I could finish this story.

And the relief I felt, when he said that he

knew about the path to violence, and where

he’d been on it, and that he’d actually sought

counselling (though never told me), was

enormous. So no matter how hard it is, you

have to try to say something, even if it’s only

a worry that’s niggling you. Don’t turn your

gaze away or hold your tongue, because you

might just save someone, their partner or

a child, from the painful screams no one

should have to remember. n

WHITE RIBBON DAY IS ON NOVEMBER 25.

IT IS HELD TO RAISE AWARENESS AND FUNDS

TO HELP BRING ABOUT AN END TO DOMESTIC

VIOLENCE;WHITERIBBON.ORG.AU

EVVVTHT H E S TAT ST H E S TAT STAT SEER

Over 12 months, on

average, one woman is

killed every week by a

current or former partner.

Two in five assaults Two

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reported to police in

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reported to police in

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reported to police in or

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reported to police in t

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reported to police in olice

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2016 2016 were family or

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2016 were famr ily or

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2016 were fammilyily or

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domesticdomestic-violence related.

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domestic-violence related.ce

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domestic-violence related.re

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domestic-violence related.ed.

IN

One in three women

C

One in three womne en

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One in three womhre en

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One in three womwomen

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havhave experienced physical

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have experienced physical exp

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have experienced physical enc

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have experienced physical ph

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have experienced physical cal

CCCand / or sexual violence and / or sexual violence and / or sexual violence and / or sexual violence and / or sexual violence and / or sexual violence and / or sexual violence d/KKKo xua oleIIIIe

perpetrated by someone

known to them.

A woman killed by her

partner is most likely to

bebe killed in her home.

S

be killed in her homkilled e.

T

be killed in her homin e.

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be killed in her homher e.

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be killed in her homhomee.

TE

WWomeomen between

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Women between etwe

TEE

18-3518-35  are more likely

S

18-35  are mare ore likely

T

18-35  are moreore likely

T

18-35  are more likely lik

E

to experience violence

S

to experience violence

S

to experience violence experie

STT

to experience violence viole

E

than women overall.

S

than women overall.

S

than womn en overall.

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than womwomen overall.

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than women overall.over

TEE

In Australia, one in

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In Australia, one in

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In Australia, one in Aust

STT

In Australia, one in a,

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four children are exposed

S

four children are exposed

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four children are exposed hildre

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four children are exposed e

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four children are exposed exp

SSto domtoto domto domdomesticTTTestic violence.estic violence.estic violence.violence.EEE

Indigenous women and

girls are 35 per cent more

likely than the wider female

population to be hospitalised

duedue to famt ily violence.

M

due to fammilyily violence.

M

due to family violence.nc

MEE

VioleViolence against women

M

Violence against womc en

M

Violence against womga en

M

Violence against womn en

M

Violence against womwomen

MEE

isis estimest ated to cost the

M

is estimaated to cost the

M

is estimated to cost the d

M

is estimated to cost the c

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is estimated to cost the t

M

is estimated to cost the th

E

AusAustralian economy

M

Australian economal y

M

Australian economco y

M

Australian econommyy

ME

$2$21.7 billion a year.

M

$21.7 billion a year.b

M

$21.7 billion a year.n

M

$21.7 billion a year.a

M

$21.7 billion a year.a r.

M

STATISTICS ATTRIBUTED TO WHITE RIBBON AUSTRALIA;

WHITERIBBON.ORG.AU

MEN OF THE YEAR 2017 GQ.COM.AU 217