modern family. By Cyan Turan
Forget online dating, Brendan and Tatijana hit the net to find parenting partners. By Cyan Turan
marieclaire.com.au 77PHOTOGRAPHED BY GETTY IMAGES. TEXT BY CYAN TURANexplore alternatives. “I didn’t want to
parent on my own,” she says. “I wanted
my child to have two parents.
I co-parent with my ex-husband and
know the model works.” And so she
signed up to Modamily. “It was like
online dating – but with more focus on
values and personality. There were lots
of gay men, but I was open to that.
The most important thing was they
were psychologically mature and
financially stable. I’d be lying if I said
looks didn’t play a part, too!”
She met one man “but we didn’t
have the right chemistry” and soon
after, began talking to Brendan. The
pair had “five or six” lengthy email
exchanges mid-2014. “We talked about
our families, travelling, but we both
knew we wouldn’t know if it could work
until we met,” says Brendan. Due to
travelling commitments, the pair didn’t
meet until October. Of that fateful day,
Brendan says: “It was strange for us
both. I hadn’t dated a woman in 20
years, and Tatijana had never dated a
gay man before!”
When Tatijana walked in, Brendan
was “amazed”. For “here was this
intelligent, kind, beautiful woman
who might, perhaps, want to be the
mother of my baby.”
“We totally hit it off,” says Tatijana.
“We were shy, but hung out for a couple
of hours, talking about how we felt, our
lives, our experiences of Modamily and
why we wanted children.”
What followed was a series of
“dates” – long walks, going to restaurants
and drinking too much wine, dinners at
each others’ houses – all the ingredients
of a growing relationship. “We spent a
year ‘courting’ each other and meeting
the families,” Tatijana explains.
Brendan also began to get to know
Isadora who, shy at first, soon warmed
to her mum’s new friend. But there
were important questions to answer,
particularly for Brendan. “My biggest
fear had been having a baby with
someone who then moved, but Tatijana’s
current separation agreement means
she has to stay in Toronto,” he explains.
“I also worried about a mother not
wanting to let go of the baby once it was
born, but Tatijana’s existing co-
parenting relationship with her ex
reassured me she understood how itcould work. Finally, the fact she already
had a daughter meant I could see she
was a great mum!”
The back and forth in the early
stages might seem long-winded but
according to Modamily’s founder Ivan
Fatovic, finding the right co-parent
is harder than finding a romantic
partner. This hasn’t deterred countless
people from choosing to co-parent in
recent years though. “Demand has been
strong in New York and LA,” says
Fatovic, “and I believe it’ll continue to
grow in [other] places.”C
runch time for Brendan and
Tatijana came when they
agreed to write down, sepa-
rately, how they each wanted
to parent – from schooling to diet to re-
ligion. “Tatijana and I met to discuss
our lists,” says Brendan.
“And that evening, we
decided to go for it.”
Tatijana first tried to
get pregnant in June
2015, using at-home
insemination. After an
early miscarriage, the
pair tried again in
September. On the
morning Tatijana was due
to take a pregnancy test, Brendan was
too excited to sleep. At 6.40am, he
called Tatijana, who said she’d take the
test and call back. Ten minutes later,
she rang to say she was pregnant. “I was
overwhelmed with happiness,” Brendan
remembers. “And so was Tatijana. The
past miscarriage meant we tried not to
get overexcited, but I drove to work with
a huge smile on my face.”
The pregnancy went to plan.
“Brendan was there for every
appointment,” says Tatijana. “He
couldn’t have been more hands-on.”
In June 2016, Tatijana went into labour
during her mother’s 60th birthday
dinner. Brendan was at the cinema.
“When Tatijana called, I ran out in
the middle of the film and raced to the
hospital,” he says. He was by her side
when their son, Milo, was born.
“We were both in tears,” says
Tatijana. “It was a bonding moment
for us.” Brendan agrees: “Holding
my son for the first time was the most
amazing feeling.”As planned, Brendan moved into
Tatijana’s home and both took two
months off work. Tatijana breastfed for
a month before feeding with expressed
milk, meaning Brendan could do the
3am to 6am feeds. For Isadora, there
was not just one new fixture in her life,
but two. “There were ups and downs,”
says Tatijana, “but after the transition
stage, things were great.”
Now, six months later, Tatijana
works two days a week and cares for
Milo on Mondays, Thursdays and
Fridays. Brendan works three days
a week and has him on Tuesdays and
Wednesdays at Tatijana’s house, staying
overnight on Tuesdays, and on Friday
nights at his own house. Weekends are
more flexible. Sounds like a scheduling
nightmare? Brendan laughs.
“Living out of a suitcase isn’t my
first choice, but it’s logical.
The inconvenience is
immaterial – in terms
of how we raise Milo,
Tatijana and I are on the
same page. We’re one
family, in two households.”
The pair’s colourful
family life may sound
charming, but co-
parenting hasn’t been
without its challenges. “Just like
husbands and wives and traditional
family units, there are glitches,”
says Tatijana. “We work through them
like married couples would – with
maturity and respect.”
As our conversation draws to
a close, eight-month-old Milo wakes
from his nap and Brendan rushes to
comfort him. While he rests his son in
his arms, he marvels at the chain of
events that brought him here. He’s
excited for the future; when Milo is one,
he’ll go into day care, Tatijana and
Brendan will work full-time, and Milo’s
care will be split 50/50.
“Co-parenting has been so much
better than I expected,” Brendan
enthuses. “My friendship with Tatijana
has given me a new family, one which
gathers, supports and celebrates
each other.”
As for Tatijana? “My notion of what
family is – what love is – has expanded
exponentially. Co-parenting is the
smartest thing I’ve ever done.”“It was strange.
I hadn’t dated
a woman in
20 years”- Brendan
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