COSMOPOLITAN June 2015 129
“It’s very important that, rather
than going into the conversation with
directives and telling him this is what
you want to do with no negotiation, you
bring it up in a soft way and then try to
explain what it means to you for him to
be following his goals,” says Aiken.DERAILED DUO
Of course, while that may not change the
impasse, at least he’ll have a much better
understanding of your feelings, which
make up your opinion. And, just so we’re
clear, you’re absolutely allowed to have
an opinion on this.
Regardless, Aiken warns that even
after that conversation, you might find
he still wants to push through with his
own goal. And you need to be preparedfor that. Also, you need to decide whether
him choosing to pursue his goal is going
to be a deal-breaker or not.
A recent study shows that when
someone decides to pursue a personal
goal, they become more single-minded
and less motivated to pursue other goals,
especially if focusing on those conflicts
with their own aspirations. Which is why
it can sometimes appear that his goal is
what’s hurting your relationship.
Enter Karen, 27, and Mike, 28,
who had always planned on moving to
“BEFORE IT BECOMES A FIGHT...
shuts out the other person and you can’t
create a sense of team,” he says.
Sure, you don’t have to both always
want everything the same. Having your
own, separate goals is healthy – after all,
you’re two separate people. But setting
timelines and discussing the goals you
want to reach as a couple in terms of
health, finance, living arrangements,
fitness, family and career, encourages
that all-important sense of teamwork,
plus allows for other smaller but equally
important conversations to arise. Aiken
says do that, and you’re on the right
path. “It’s about checking you’re on the
right trajectory or not, and not enough
couples do it.” Julia NaughtonEurope together. But after getting his
full electrician licence, Mike decided he
wasn’t quite ready to make the big move
yet. The reason? He wants to save more
money now that he’s finally on a good
wage. Karen is absolutely raring to go,
and is now pretty frustrated because it’s
something they’ve both been planning
to do for years.
“In any relationship, there’s this
mutual understanding that you’re a team
and that you’re both going in a particular
direction together,” explains Aiken. But
when someone decides they want to go
in a different direction, it derails things.
“We’re all much happier when we know
where we stand with each other and
we’ve got a shared vision,” he adds.
But just because that Europe move
gets pushed back, or your boyfriend’s
new work friends aren’t your thing, it
doesn’t have to mean the shared vision
is dead. It simply means you now need
to agree on a new one.
According to Aiken, it’s all about
checking in with each other often and
having regular conversations about your
future together as a couple.
On top of that, Aiken stresses how
vital it is that there’s a balance between
togetherness and separateness – which
is important for any couple.
“If you’re too separate and too
goal-driven individually, then it reallywe know where we stand
with each other
“
We’re much happier when
His online audition to
be an Abercrombie
boy was in the bag.1
Try to understand each
other’s positions. Put yourself
in his shoes.2
See if there’s any room for
compromise or negotiation.3
Consider whether his goal is a
deal-breaker. If it is, you need
to say that upfront so that he
knows the relationship could be
over if he goes down this path.4
Set a timeline. Come back to
it in six months’ time and see
if your position’s changed.5
Keep re-evaluating those
timelines so the conversation
always remains open.KEEP IN MIND:
“If he goes ahead with it, you
need to either get onboard or
call it a day and move on,”
says Aiken. “Essentially, he's
going to go ahead and do it
anyway. So if you’re with him,
embrace it, accept it, let the
resentment go and celebrate
his new path.” #
CORBIS
love & lust