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17 to 24 have reconciled and started over
with an ex-partner, according to a study
by Bowling Green State University in
Ohio and the University of Wisconsin at
Milwaukee. It also found more than half
of those on-and-off daters said they slept
with their ex post-break-up. For most
couples who rekindled the flame, it was
an ongoing cycle – on average, yo-yo
daters broke up two times in one year,
according to the study’s co-author Sarah
Halpern-Meekin, who’s now an assistant
professor of human development and
family studies at the University of
Wisconsin at Madison.
It seems like chronically dating
your ex has never been more common- mainly because people tend to wait
longer to get married. “We have more
time to be in relationships in which we
might break up and get back together,”
says Halpern-Meekin. “We have more
ambiguity in our relationships today.” In
the past, you were either dating or broken
up. Now, thanks to a culture that’s way
more accepting of casual sex, breaking
up is a slippery slope that can lead to ex
sex, a friends-with-benefits situation, or
round two in your relationship. Plus you
can dump your ex, but unless you have
the Herculean strength to unfriend him
on Facebook and unfollow him on Insta,
you’re constantly reminded of his life.
“You get one tiny urge to email or
text that person, and boom! It’s too easy,”
says Kiri. “You can’t cut that person out
completely and heal.” The result? An
entire generation that isn’t really sure
how to break up – and mean it.
GET IT ON (AND OFF)
Honestly, though, who can really blame
us for habitually dating our exes? Many
of us spent our formative years watching- and romanticising – rocky on-and-
off relationships on TV, such as Carrie
and Big on Sex and the City, Ross and
Rachel on Friends, and Meredith and
McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy. And we’re
also used to the cycle of swiping, liking
and effing – and while it can be fun and
spontaneous, it can also sometimes make
you feel as if there’s a pile of dust where
your heart used to be. So when you find
a real bond with someone, it can be hard
as hell to let that go.
Halpern-Meekin says many couples
who reunited were more likely to feel
they’d “revealed their deepest self” to
each other. Whitney, 22, spent two and
a half years breaking up then reuniting
with her ex-boyfriend because “both of
us have issues with our parents and we
understood each other in a way that other
people didn’t.” They split up because he
wasn’t quite ready to be exclusive, “but
he’d always come back as we have that
emotional connection.” And they also
regularly fell back into ex sex.
A really strong connection with a
romantic partner can be hard to shake
because, to a certain extent, it’s rooted in
our brain chemistry. In a recent study,
Jim Pfaus, a professor of psychology at
Concordia University in Canada, matedfemale rats with male rats he’d applied a
special scent to. Later, when he mixed
the lady rats with the familiar-scented
males and new unscented rats, 80 to 100
per cent (in different trials) chose the
previous partners over new ones.
Pfaus says it’s because when you’re
in that “beautiful post-orgasmic state
with someone, your brain releases opioids
and oxytocin” (chemicals linked to love
and happiness). This creates attachment- which other research has likened to
addiction – to the person you’ve already
been with. And defaulting to the pleasure
you already know can feel more natural
and less scary than starting fresh.
After breaking up with an older
boyfriend, 25-year-old Gabrielle says she
continued sleeping with him because it
was “convenient” – easier than starting
over with a newbie and more appealing
than being alone. “I’m naturally more
comfortable with people I’ve slept with,