love & lust
COSMOPOLITAN June 2015 137
It’s no wonder researchers describe
the on-off phenomenon as “relationship
churning”. Breaking up – then creating
a brand new Tinder profile and throwing
yourself into a restorative cardio-barre
regimen – only to wake up next to your
ex the following weekend can feel very
frustrating and depressing, like you’re
blocking yourself from moving forward.
And, while Halpern-Meekin’s research
found many rekindling couples had very
strong emotional bonds, they also had
higher levels of conflict and lower levels
of commitment. Research also shows a
higher likelihood of verbal abuse and
physical violence in churning couples.
Albert Einstein famously defined
insanity as “doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different
results”, and clinical psychologist Monica
O’Neal agrees. “I endorse a relationship
sequel, but certainly not a trilogy and
beyond,” she says. An acknowledgement
of why things didn’t work the first time,
and a vow to do it better, is a good sign,
she says. But “if you re-experience the
same disappointment and hurt, it’s a sign
this person is not an ideal partner.”
Although Gabrielle’s boomerang
relationship definitely had its downsides,she doesn’t regret it. “It made me realise
I didn’t want the in-between relationship
anymore,” she says. “I wanted the great
sex and also someone who loved and
supported me.” When she found both
of those things with a great new guy
(who now happens to be her boyfriend),
it was the wake-up call she needed. So
she said goodbye – for good – to her ex.
Not all break-ups and make-ups
end in disaster, though – sometimes it’s
just a case of both members of the couple
getting on the same page at the same
time. “Sometimes, a little bit of space and
time can heal the wounds and spark
introspection,” explains O’Neal.
Nicole, 27, says during a recent
break from her boyfriend of a year (he
needed “space”), they both realised just
how much they wanted to be together.
“I gave him a trial period, and he proved
that he really cared about me,” she says,
including supporting her during her
mum’s battle with cancer. They’re now
planning on moving in together soon.
“When we broke up, I told him
that I wanted a guy who was sure of
himself,” Nicole adds. “And, when he
came back into my life, he was ready to
be that person.” Michelle Ruiz #and I didn’t want to raise my ‘number’,”
she says. “I’m no Virgin Mary, but I’ve
always felt like, given the choice, I should
try and stay in the same pool rather than
sleep with a complete stranger.”
Further research from Oakland
University in Michigan shows casual sex
isn’t so casual after all. Among people
having casual sex, only 13 per cent of
men and 10 per cent of women had it
with a person they’d just met, compared
with 65 per cent who got it on with an ex.IT’S OVER – OR IS IT?
After several years of being on-again-
off-again with Luke, Kiri eventually grew
fed up and emotionally exhausted of the
yo-yo dating cycle. But, when she did
recently resolve to end things for good
with Luke, she says, “It was one of the
most difficult things I’ve ever done. I
would imagine it’s like quitting crack.”THE ON-OFF DATING
HALL OF FAME
Even celebs – and royals! –do it
Relationship churners (from left) Jessica Biel and Justin
Timberlake; Prince William and Kate Middleton; Selena Gomez
and Justin Bieber; Katy Perry and John Mayer.“Let’s do this! For
real this time...”PHOTOGRAPHY BY BEN GOLDSTEIN/STUDIO D. ORIGINAL PHOTOGRAPHY BY ROCCO BIZZARRI/THE LICENSING PROJECT. STYLING BY SABRINA GRANDE. GETTY IMAGES