COSMOPOLITAN June 2015 141
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“Guys will just go
for it, and then
try to pretend it
was an accident...”“The research literature does not suggest
anal intercourse causes incontinence.”
No shortage of women whispered
to me, might a man be really into anal
sex because he’s gay? That question got
polite-ish “Are you an idiot?” looks from
the researchers I spoke with. As Sienna
Sinclaire, a sex coach and adult-industry
mainstay, puts it: “Guys like to put their
penis anywhere. I don’t mean that in a
negative way, though. If I had a penis,
I’d put it anywhere, too.”
Asked why they thought people
wanted to try anal, subjects in the British
study often cited the desire to copy porn.
But that explanation is “partial at best”,
argues study co-author Cicely Marston,
senior lecturer at the London School of
Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. “The
fact that porn is the general explanation
given by many for the rise in anal sex
reinforces the idea that men decide what
to do sexually and women are passive.”
Her interviews suggested some
men tried it out of a sense of competition
(as one charmingly put it, “every hole’s
a goal”). Both men and women endorsed
the idea that women needed to “relax”
more, to “get used to it”. In truth, no one
seemed to be having much fun. The men
rarely mentioned physical pleasure. The
women mostly reported pain... and not
in a sexy way.And yet,
there are also women who
genuinely like anal sex. Take my friend
Rachel ($5 that’s not her real name), who
is in her thirties and married with kids.
Over scones in my kitchen, I told her
what I was working on, and she said,
“We love doing it.” It turns out, she and
her husband have anal fairly often. They
call it going to Brown Town – e.g. “Hey
babe, are you up for a visit to Brown
Town?” Rachel likes it because she likes
to please her husband but also because
it feels good to her. She really enjoys
being entered from behind and finds
there’s something very intimate about
how gentle he has to be in order for it
to happen. (Her husband likes it because
the anus is smaller and tighter than the
vagina, and that’s the dream, right?)
And then there are the group of
women I’ll call anal enthusiasts, who are
set on educating the world in the finer
points of backdoor sex.Sienna Sinclaire is one of them.
The first time she had anal sex, at 21,
it hurt. She bled every time she had a
bowel movement for months. Now, she
loves anal and even sees advantages to
it over vaginal sex. “The greatest thing
about the arse is that it’s not a vagina,”
she says. “There’s no cervix, so if his
penis is 25 centimetres long, he can still
fit.” Take a minute if you need one.
“The arse is an erogenous zone,”
says sex educator Tristan Taormino, the
author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex
for Wom e n. “It’s rich in nerve endings at
the opening,” (McBride, of the University
of Toledo, confirms this). So the rectum
responds to stimulation and penetration,
which is why butt plugs exist. And are
purchased by people.
Taormino says the reason a lot of
women experience pain during anal sex
is because the opening of the anus is a
ring of muscle that has to be unclenched
for sex to actually work. This requires
extensive anal foreplay, which includes
lube, massage, testing out the waters
with a gentle pinkie, and maybe quietly
reminding yourself that you consented
to this. “Your arse is more delicate than
your vagina and less resilient,” she says.
“You can really hurt someone if you do
it wrong. So all that sensitive tissue is
kind of a blessing and a curse.”So anal sex
is either very painful
or seriously great. It’s either dangerous
or it’s totally safe. It can be an unyielding
pleasure or a huge pain in the arse. So,
apparently, it’s just like everything else.
Years ago, oral sex was also considered
deviant. This isn’t that different, really.
Taormino told me about the letters she
regularly receives from women who tell
her all about their fantasies, anal and
otherwise, and want to know if they
are “normal” or not.
“I would like all that stuff to just
go away,” she says of the sex shame she
often encounters. “I would really like
to see anal sex destigmatised, with no
hierarchy within the bounds of normal
relationships. I don’t want that system,
and we all subscribe to it in one way or
another, consciously or unconsciously.
I’d like there to be a menu with all the
stuff in the same fonts. You order from
the menu.” I can’t help but agree.And here is where we get to my
most profound discovery on the subject
of anal sex: while there are emotional
implications to any kind of sex we have,
anal sex is the true test because it could
go so badly wrong. The women I spoke
to who were in serious relationships and
mutually decided with their partner to
have anal sex spoke about it being a more
profound experience. The ones who just
got a “can we?” and a poke in the bum
felt horrible pain. Maybe anal sex is more
than I considered it could be – a chance
to come together in a new way, to feel
new heights of trust in one another, a
zenith of emotional bonding.
As I finished up the reporting for
this story, I got a text from my friend.
“We just watched TV and are thinking
of taking a trip to Browntown Abbey.
Thought you’d like to know.” #love & lust