take place by age 35. That means
eight out of 10 of the experiences
and decisions and ‘Aha!’ moments
that make your life what it is will
have happened by mid-thirties.
We know that the brain caps off
its second and last growth spurt
in your twenties as it rewires
itself for adulthood, which means
that whatever it is you want to
change about yourself, now is the
time to change it.”
How did we get to a point
where we think of our twenties
as a sort of “nothing” decade?
After all, most of our own parents
were probably married in their
twenties and had their kids then,
too. Nowadays, the median age
for first-time marriage is 27.9 for
women. In 1990, it was 24.3. The
median age for first-time mothers
has risen, too – in 2010 it was 28.9,
compared to 27.5 in 1990. And
2006 figures show that 49 per
cent of men and 45 per cent of
women aged 18-24 still live at
home with their parents. There
is also some “boomerang-ing”
going on: 2009 research shows
that 54 per cent of 25-29-year-
olds who live with their parents
had previously lived away from
home, but returned. 52 per cent
lasted less than two years before
moving back in with their folks.
Not all of that is bad news,
of course. In a lot of ways, the
push towards getting married,
taking on a mortgage and having
kids later is good – it means we
have more time to think about
what we really want from these
milestones. The problem, says
Jay, is that without a “deadline”,
we don’t do much work to ensure
that we do know what we want.
“The Pill and modern birth
control – which, believe me, I’m
all for – gave people more control
over when they had sex and got
pregnant. People realised, ‘Hey, I
don’t have to get married because
I want to have sex,’ or ‘I don’t
have to get married because I’m
pregnant,’ so those things got
pushed later. There’s an enormouspotential for upsides, but the way
that the human brain deals with
time is that, when we’re given
extra time to do something, we
don’t always use it wisely. If you
have a project due, but suddenly
the deadline gets pushed back a
month, very few people think,
‘Great! I’ve got an extra month
to make it better.’ Most think,
‘I’ll wait till it’s closer to the due
date’.” Sometimes we need a sense
of urgency to get things done.ONE OF THE
MOST IMPORTANT
things we can do in our twenties,
says Jay, is to invest in our own
“identity capital”. Identity capital
is anything that adds value to who
you are and what you want to be.
Your twenties is the perfect time
to invest in it, because you have
fewer responsibilities than you will
later. The trick is to figure out
what will build your capital. It
could be a gap year volunteering
overseas, an internship at a law
firm or going back to uni.
But building capital isn’t
about procrastinating – it’s about
exploring and learning. Exploring
is moving towards something,
but procrastinating is avoiding
something. And for some people,
building identity capital might
be as simple as learning to take
opportunities as they come. Henry
Siu, of the Vancouver School of
Economics, says job-hopping in
your twenties is “correlated with
higher incomes, because people
have found better matches – their
true calling”. So if you think a
job will be a good stepping stone,
take it. “Young adults are often
worried they’re going to take
a job that they’ll be trapped in.
They’re afraid to commit because
they worry that a job they’re
lukewarm about will define them,”
says Jay. “But I say, if it adds to
your identity capital, do it.”
The other thing people in
their twenties should be doing is
using their “weak ties”, says Jay.26
27
29
THE AGE
HILLARY CLINTON
WAS WHEN SHE
RECEIVED HER JURIS
DOCTOR DEGREE
FROM YALE.THE AGE
FACEBOOK COO
SHERYL SANDBERG
WAS WHEN SHE
STARTED AS THE
CHIEF OF STAFF TO
THE US SECRETARY
OF THE TREASURY.THE AGE OPRAH
WAS WHEN SHE
BEGAN HOSTING A
LOW-RATED TALK
SHOW. THREE
YEARS LATER, IT
WAS SYNDICATED
AND BECAME
THE OPRAH
WINFREY SHOW.When we think of pop culture
twentysomethings, we think of the
urban tribe: Hannah and the girls;
Monica, Rachel and Phoebe; Abbi
and Ilana from Broad City. They
have strong friendships – so strong
that we rarely see them with other
people. Jay says this is “overrated”.
“Your best friends are great- they’re the ones who’ll come with
chicken soup when you’re sick. But
we already know everything our
best friends know. They already
know the things we know. There’s
no new information coming in.”
It’s when we talk to strangers at
parties or follow up with family
friends who might work in a field
we’re interested in that we work on
our weak ties. “A broader network
has more opportunity. So many
of our first jobs, apartments and
relationships come from expanding
our horizons, speaking to people
we don’t know all that well.” It’s
taking that idea of exploration and
actually making it work for us.
Of course, life isn’t over at
30, and those traditional hallmarks
of adulthood (home, kids, marriage,
career) aren’t for everyone. But it’s
worth using your twenties as a
stepping stone to figuring out what
you want – by exploring, learning,
capitalising on weak ties, building
identity capital. And if all of this
seems overwhelming, you’re not
alone. “There are so many choices
for young adults today,” says Jay.
“And that’s a good thing. But it can
also be confusing. I tell my clients
to not think about the infinite
choices. Your twenties is a time
to reflect on what you know about
yourself and put it all into practice.
If you have never [had] the desire
to be an architect, it’s probably not
for you by this stage. Be mindful
about your choices and don’t let
them choose you.”
So what if you’re reading this,
aged 31? Don’t worry. “Just because
I focus on the twentysomethings
doesn’t mean I think it’s too late to
put these things into practice later,”
says Jay. “The time to start is
always now.” Lauren Sams #
COSMOPOLITAN July 2015 59
GETTY IMAGES; TRUNKARCHIVE.COM/SNAPPER MEDIA
26
27
THE AGE29