It’s something akin to either
“this doesn’t count” or “Honey,
I have a headache.” Maybe you
think of it as that thing you
do when you forgot to take
your birth control and don’t
feel like giving a BJ. Worse,
perhaps you just write it off
as passé. I recently brought
up handjobs to a friend, and
her response was, “People still
do that?” Yes, they still do
that! I still do it... and you
know what? My marriage and
my sex life are way better for
it. Believe me: I wasn’t always
down with the HJ.
In my early twenties, I
was so scared of coming off
as prudish that I would skip
over fondling entirely. By the
time my husband, Christopher,
and I got together, I’d spent
too many years trying too
hard to seem adventurous
in bed – back-busting porn
moves, strained dirty-talking.
I decided that with him, there
would be no more performing.
I wanted to get back to the
basics, and what’s more basic
than hand-to-gland combat?WE NEVER GET A CHANCE
TO BECOME DISTANT
FROM EACH OTHER IN
THAT WAY THAT SPELLS
THE DEATH OF SEX.I know,
I know.
“
HANDIES SEEM THE DOMAIN OF TEENAGE VIRGINITY
PLEDGES AND RESENTFUL AGEING HOUSEWIVES.
It started as tantalising
foreplay, a way of teasing him:
“This is all you get for now.”
I’d kneel at his side, kissing
his chest and fondling him,
or I’d crouch between his feet,
looking up at his erection like
a tourist awed by the Empire
State Building. (What guy
doesn’t want you looking at
his junk like it’s a triumph of
human engineering?) This
let me experiment without
feeling like I was fumbling
my way through the world’s
most inefficient wank.
Eventually, I learnt the
grip, the rhythm and motion
that makes him shudder with
pleasure. In the mornings,
when we’re both too rushed
for the foreplay required for
a nice mutual sexin’, he’ll ask
with a smirk, “What about an
HJ?” My response is pretty
much always an enthusiastic
“Yeah, baby”. That’s because
I get at least as much out of
it as he does (and not just ’cos
he returns the favour with
fingers or oral). I’ve never felt
so in control as when givingan expert, teasing handjob.
Occasionally, it gets me so
turned on that I jump on top
of him, work be damned. For
us, instead of serving as a
replacement for bonding, it
keeps us connected during the
week. We never get a chance
to become distant from each
other in that way that always
spells the death of sex. Plus,
it’s a miracle for a relationship
where the man has a higher
sex drive. I’m always in the
mood for a handie, but I’m not
always in the mood for sex.
But that’s just my side
of the story. I asked him why
he likes our handjob routine.
His response? “My dick has
never felt so loved.”Too old for
a HJ? Get
a grip!124 COSMOPOLITAN.com.au TO SUBSCRIBE CALL 136 116