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RIKKI HODGE-SMITH.
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CORBIS.
WHEN YOUR FRIEND’S EX LIKES YOU...
It’s a tough situation. “Of course, technically, you can date
a friend’s ex,” says therapist and relationship coach Marina
Bakker (modernlovesolutions.com). “But what you need to think
carefully about is if this is going to add quality to or create
chaos in your life.” For Jen, 16, this was something she didn’t
see coming. “My friend had been seeing Matt for a couple of
months, but he only hung out with our group a few times and
we hardly spoke,” she says. “But when they broke up, he
started following me on Instagram and sending me all these
private message chats. I thought it was a little weird but
didn’t think much of it... until he asked me out.” Yikes.
Jen didn’t have feelings for Matt and was able to let him
down gently without hurting her friend. Although, sometimes
things don’t always go so smoothly. What if she DID have
feelings for him? “The most important thing here is to let
your head guide your heart and
not rush anything,” says Marina.
“Talk about it with your friend
first, so you aren’t keeping
secrets. Also consider how and
why your friend broke up with
their boyfriend – was it done in
a respectful way?” The last thing
you want to do is risk a good friendship for a guy who turns
out to be untrustworthy, mean and disrespectful. Be really
sure of him and your feelings before making any moves.WHEN YOUR EX IS INTO YOUR FRIEND...
It’s already hard enough when your ex is interested in or seeing
someone else, but it’s even worse when they have feelings for
your friend. If you’re on good terms with your ex, you probably
want them to be happy with someone funny and nice, right?
You also love your friends, so you know they’re good people.
But do you really want them to be together? Hmm, probably
not. Emily, 17, found herself in this exact situation. “James and
I were together for a year before we ended it, but stayed very
close friends,” she says. “So close, actually, that he opened up
about having feelings for a new friend of mine. She’d moved
to our school after we had broken up. While I knew I didn’t
have a claim on him anymore, it still really hurt.”
“Feelings of jealousy can certainly creep up, but try to
make a commitment to deal with this situation in a respectful,
confident manner,” says Marina. “Although it may be a hurtful
situation, it has the potential to really teach you a great deal
about yourself.” Take time out to think about why you feel
jealous, angry or sad. You’re just going through the very normal,
natural emotions of change. And remember that they should
always be respectful of your feelings, so let them know your
thoughts and ensure no friendships are ruined along the way.WHEN YOUR FRIEND STARTS TO HAVE
FEELINGS FOR YOUR EX...
Hopefully the reason you know about her crush is because she
’fessed up and told you. This means you two have a strong and
honest friendship – nice one! But then the awkwardness comes- and this is something Erin, 15, knows only too well. It had
been four months since she’d broken up with her boyfriend of
six months, Cameron, when her friend Kate revealed she had
feelings for him. “I didn’t even know they spoke that much,” says
Erin. “But they had been paired up in a class I’m not in, and it
had grown from there.” Erin admits things were pretty strange
for a while. “I was awkward around both of them at first, but
I told her she should tell him how she felt,” says Erin. “It turns
out he liked her back. I realised I definitely didn’t like him like
that anymore and saw that they were happy, so it was OK.”
Marina suggests taking your time to respond to the
situation. How you communicate with your friend and your ex
needs to be managed carefully now so you don’t say things
you’ll regret. You don’t want any feelings to be hurt. “Try not
to control her feelings or actions either,” says Marina. “If you
tell her not to pursue the relationship and she does what you
say, she may feel resentful and controlled by you later down
the track.” If you still have feelings for your ex and know it will
be painful to see them together, have a really honest talk with
your friend. Put each other’s feelings first and then no matter
what happens next, your friendship will remain intact. bPRETTY LITTLE LIARS: Rememberwhen Toby
and Emily kind of dated before she came
out? Now Spoby have been together forevs.MEAN GIRLS: Cady falls hard for Regina’s
ex-boyfriend Aaron. When Regina finds out,
she gets back with Aaron for revenge.GOSSIP GIRL: Almost every character in the
show has been loved up with each other!
It began with a love triangle between Nate
and besties Blair and Serena. And then Dan.THE CARRIE DIARIES: We were so peeved
when Maggie made out with Sebastian
even though he had been with Carrie.THREE’S A CROWD