Instead of giving them a little time
to grow, we put them on the “no” pile
and move on to the next. As male and
female singletons have adapted to the
new dating scene, my theory is this pick-
iness is simply an extension of natural
evolution. Well, some would disagree.
According to behavioural psycholo-
gist Jo Hemmings, being extra-selective
when looking for a partner is more com-
monly female than male: “Women tend
to have a more specific type of man in
mind,” she explains. “Many women have
a long shopping list which if they don’t
find in a potential partner, they won’t
pursue. Examples might include looks-
based expectations – hair colour (or
simply hair at all!), height, good teeth,
nice smile. Or lifestyle preferences – job
status, location, age, education, sporty.”
These criteria ring bells with me – I
have been known to not fancy a man on
the sheer basis of his penchant for short-
sleeved button-down shirts (Hawaiian,
patterned, plain, any of them), no matter
how hard I try to look past it. I have
another friend who only dates men who
play rugby (she likes their shoulders and
crooked noses) and another who only
goes for tall, blond Nordic types.
But that’s what happens when
forced to shop for a prospective partner
online. You end up having to hone your
criteria as this is all you’ve got to go on.
Jo says that the selective functions
of dating apps can only take us so far.
“Interestingly, the one thing that an
app can’t do – however sophisticated
they have become – is legislate for chem-
istry. In the real world, it’s very possible,
and much more common, for women to
fall in love with someone who isn’t their
traditional type, where other factors
such as personality, voice and charisma
kickstart those butterflies.”
Here’s the conundrum: while only
searching for men who we think are the
men of our dreams, we are potentially
missing out on the man of our dreams.W
e’ve all heard stories
about women who fall in
love with the man they’d
never have gone for.
Gemma*, 32, is 178cm and always
thought she’d end up with a bloke
183cm or taller: “Any average-height guy
made me feel so big and manly,” she says.But after much
encouragement from
her friends, she reluc-
tantly went on a date
with a man who was
8cm shorter than her.
Two years later and
the couple now lives
together. “He made me
feel more like a woman
than any other big, tall
man I’d been with,” says Gemma. “I had
been searching for the physical, when
really what I wanted was someone who
made me laugh and made me feel relaxed
and sexy. I found that in a short guy.”
Jo tells me that pickiness in women
could also be to self-protect: “Some
women, particularly those who have
been badly hurt or who may not yet be
ready to date again, become extra picky
as a defence mechanism.”
This certainly rings true with me – I
chose bad guys because I was familiar
with the tragic cycle of the bad guy. Then
a few years ago I was out for dinner with
friends, complaining about the guy I had
met the week before. He was what I
thought was my perfect type – a cocky
musician I’d seen play in a local bar and
beelined for him afterwards. We had
stayed up all night drinking and kissing
and I left him floating on a cloud – only
to never hear from him again. “OK
you’ve got to let go of this guy-in-a-band
thing,” my flatmate said forcefully.
“What do you mean?” I asked. I
looked around the table at my friends’
worried faces and realised I was in the
centre of an intervention.
“You are so obsessed with finding
this man,” another friend chipped in.
“That I think doesn’t exist. If you want
this tattooed, rockstar pin-up that
everyone fancies, well, he’s probably not
going to be very nice to you.”
“That’s not true!” I protested. “There
are plenty of egotistical rockstars who
are also really good boyfriends.”
“Like who?” My flatmate sighed.
“Name one.”
“Lenny Kravitz?” I suggested limply.
“Lenny Kravitz is celibate because of
his religion,” another replied.
Point taken.
The ideal man in our heads encom-
passes all sorts of fantasies that can’t
quite co-exist. There is a chance I couldmeet the curly-haired,
bad-boy musician I’ve
always wanted – but
with it I’d probably have
to compromise some
other more important
things: would he be kind
to me, would my friends
like him, would he make
a good long-term part-
ner or father one day?
Or, I could meet the man who is all those
things – sweet and funny and loving. But
perhaps the only guitar he’s ever picked
up in his life is the miniature plastic one
you use for Guitar Hero.
So how do I feel now when people I
know and love call me picky? Fed up,
slightly insulted, but also a little more
willing to be proven wrong. The joy of
getting older means you relax into the
idea that things may change. In my early
20s, I used to be so resistant to criticism
and advice, convinced that what I
thought then was set in concrete forever.
Now it has been proven to me time and
time again that I might get things wrong
or my attitude may change. So, if so
many people who care about me are say-
ing they think I might end up with
someone I don’t expect, perhaps it’s time
I chew on this a while. I’m not willing to
negotiate my standards; I’m not willing
to compromise my desire for someone
who sets my heart and soul on fire. But I
am willing to try dating men I wouldn’t
usually go for. And if I hate it –I’ll just go
back to the wannabe rockstars.
In the end, the thing that has really
helped me “broaden my mind” (my pre-
ferred choice of phrase to “stop being so
picky”) is to remember how far away I
am from perfection. After all I’m slightly
too tall, slightly too loud, slightly self-
involved with slightly wonky teeth.
I would hope that when prospective
partners meet me, they’d take a compas-
sionate leap of faith to look past those
flaws and also see a woman who is kind
and curious about the world and trying
her best to live and grow in it. So if that’s
an open-mindedness I expect from men,
it is only fair that I exercise the same.
But don’t tell me I’m being picky
just because my leap of faith still
won’t stretch past short-sleeved shirts –
Hawaiian, paisley or otherwise. I’m
working on it. OK?“Many women
have a long
shopping list
which if they don’t
find in a potential
partner, they
won’t pursue”90 marieclaire.com.au*NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED. PHOTOGRAPHED BY BJORN KELLER; GALLERY STOCK/SNAPPER MEDIARelationships