Mens_HealthUSA_December_2016

18 MensHealth.com | December 2016

Michelle Pedone (Jimmy), Art+Commerce (woman), Jeff Titcomb/Getty Images (laptop), Willie B. Thomas/Getty Images (gift)

My girlfriend is totally hot but takes forever to

get ready to go out. How can I speed her up?

Bob, Annapolis, MD

You can’t, Bob, so just leave her alone. Maybe she wants to look good

for you or maybe she’s trying to look good for herself. Or maybe she

wants to impress her friends. Or, and this is just me talking here, just

maybe she’s getting herself dolled up for the handsome bartender.

Jimmy the Bartender

Straight-up advice on women, work, and other things that drive men crazy.

message for a

coffee mug: “World’s

Greatest Dad.”

I hate those $

vodka cocktails

with “essence of

artisanal persim-

mon.” But I also

hate whiskey.

What can I order

that won’t be an

embarrassment?

Morris, La Mesa, CA

Just because $

vodka cocktails with

persimmon exist

doesn’t mean you

have to drink them.

Chances are you’ll be

happier with a sim-

ple, manly cocktail.

Nothing dumb with a

funny name. Order a

gin gimlet, no ice, no

umbrella. It’s liquid

testosterone, the kind

your great-granddad

would appreciate:

Gin, lime juice, sugar

on the r im. J us t say -

ing the word “gimlet”

gives you that old-

fashioned confidence

that makes the ladies

look up. Try it: “Bar-

keep, gimme a damn

gin gimlet.” In 10 min-

utes, you’ll feel great.

M y b os s i s a g r ea t

guy when we’re

outside the office.

Why is he such a

jerk at work?

Tim, Cleveland, OH

You’ve got one man

and two variables

here, Tim. The two

variables are “out-

side the office” and

“work.” The one con-

stant is the man. So

maybe the problem

is the work, not your

boss. My question:

What are you doing

to help? I f i t ’s nothing ,

then trust me, your

boss is saying, “Why

is Tim such a great

guy outside the office,

but such an overpaid,

underperforming,

passive-aggressive,

or ner y jer k at wor k? ”

M y b oy i s 11 a n d

has no interest in

sports. I won’t lie—

I’m disappointed.

Tom, Richmond, VA

Believe me, Thomas,

the boy’s doing you a

favor. Angry coaches

yelling at him, other

parents beefing when

their little whiz kids

don’t get their shot?

Who needs it? Just

take him for a hike

in the woods and put

a fishing rod in his

hand. Worry about

making memories,

not a star athlete.

I’m 62 and happily

married. When will

I stop lusting after

young women at

the office?

Randall, Portland, OR

I f you’re like mos t 62-

year-old men, Randy,

I’m going to say in

about three years.

When you retire.

I’m not one of those

prudes who thinks it’s

a social sin to appre-

ciate an intelligent

woman who’s fit and

dresses nicely. But

that doesn’t give you

permission to stare—

to linger over every

curve, smoke coming

out of your ears. Sure,

some things in this

life make a man say,

“Thank you, God,” and

a beautiful woman

is one of them. But

so is a rainbow trout.

Neither one wants

to go to bed with you.

So whisper the grat-

itude to yourself and

get back to work.

Coffee mugs with

messages on

them. Yes or no?

Gary, Aurora, CO

Nah. Big, important

ideas turn into small,

pretentious slogans

the moment they

show up on a bump er

sticker, T-shirt, mug,

or tattoo. There’s

only one acceptable

E-Gift Cards

Want to show your pal what you think about

him? Se nd him an e mail with an e moji , the n

click to add a $25 Starbucks gift card. He’ll

then know you’re wholly inauthentic. Or: Buy

a card with dogs playing poker on it and write

a note‚ longhand, offering to buy him a drink.

Card envelope stamp. Cheaper. Better!

Jimmy

Calls

BS on...

“But I am

ready to go.”