Womens_Health_Australia_December_2016

102 womenshealth.com.au DECEMBER 2016

PHOTOGRAPHY: JONATHAN TAYLOR. ILLUSTRATIONS: BYRON GRAY. *WASH CUCUMBERS BEFORE USE AND CHOOSELONGER ONES SO THEY DON’T GET LOST IN THE VAGINA; COVER WITH CONDOM FOR HYGIENE. MATERIAL EXCERPTED FROM

THE MEN’S HEALTH AND WOMEN’S HEALTH BIG BOOK OF SEX

(RODALE 2011) BY JEFFREY CSATARI.

Q.RECENTLY, WHILE

HAVING SEX, I LET OUT

ALOUDVAGINAFART.

HOWCANIMAKESUREIT

NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN?

SHE SAYSThe problem with vajayjay

airisthat,unlikeabumfart,you

don’tfeelitcoming;it’lltakeyou

by surprise and nothing’s going

tomakeyoubothunhearit.

HE SAYSEmbarrassment is

temporary; kweefing is forever.

Eve kweefed, Medusa kweefed,

Godiva kweefed on her horse. It’s

true. The real crime is that you faked

anorgasm.Almosteveryguywill

have heard a fanny fart before.

SHE SAYSThe key here is to hold

your own and pretend you’re Stella

Gibson inThe Fall–you’renot

allowedtoletonthatyouknowhe

knows. And don’t let him know that

you know he knows that you know

either.Andnevergiveitnames

like ‘kweef’. Sadly punani farting is

taboo.Butreally,it’sjustairlocked

in from having sex. You could make

ajokeaboutyourguavagiving

a satisfied sigh... or hum loudly.

HE SAYSWhat she said.

SHE SAYSIfyouarepronetoit,

trytohaveloudmusiconfrom

the beginning. Think: Metallica.

HE SAYSAlso, sex is about two

people attempting to get off

whiletryingtolookdecentinthe

quivering vulnerability of their

birthday suits. It’s bound to be

funny.Ithinkyoushouldlightenup

and laugh about it and say, “I bet

you can’t do THAT with your penis.”

Q.IS IT TRUE TO DELAY

AGUY’SORGASMYOU

SHOULD PUMP THE

PERINEUMAFEWTIMES

JUST AS HE STARTS

GETTINGTOTHEPOINT

OF NO RETURN?

HE SAYSIamcertainone

should not pump the

perineum. Ever. It is not

a petrol nozzle, and

ladies, while we may

come over all hard and

in control, truth is, our

crownjewelsareaisas

fragile as our egos.

SHE SAYSAgreed. The

perineum is a piece of

nerve-rich skin between

the testicles and rectum

that gets much less

attention than its ballsy

and penile mates. It’s

anicelittlelandingstrip

togetyourfingertips

on, though. It won’t slow

himdown,butifyou

gently apply pressure at

the right moment it will

enhance his orgasm.

HE SAYSIfhisorgasmisa

beer, the perineum push

isajaegerbomb.Butif

you want him to last,

stop him thrusting to

thebackofyourcervix.

Introduce his penis to

your labia where you’ll

get more sensation

and,ifhestilllooks

close, apply pressure

just behind his helmet.

Once he calms down,

rewind and repeat.

SHE SAYSAlternatively,

remind him of the story

you read about the

dude with two cocks.

HE SAYSOr tell him to

imagine Kyle Sandilands

nude.Ifhestillcomes,

you need to talk.WH

QI’MABITCASH-STRAPPEDSOICAN’T

AFFORDTOBUYSEXTOYS.ARETHERECOMMON

HOUSEHOLDITEMSTHAT’LLWORKJUSTASWELL?

HE SAYSLet’s start

with what you

shouldn’t use;

wooden-handled

brooms for instance.

Splinters are not

so nice.

SHE SAYSSame goes

for deodorant cans:

aerosols are not safe

in confined spaces.

HE SAYSAnd no

chorizo. If it breaks

off, you’re gonna

be in trouble.

SHE SAYSCucumbers

are a favourite*,

mainly because

they’re firm, thick,

ribbed and, hey,

even organic.

Just don’t use the

tzatziki dip for lube

–that’stookinky.

HE SAYSIagree.Go

for something firm,

smooth, preferably

plastic or rubber

and washable.

SHE SAYSHousehold-

cum-sex objects

should never be

appliances.Ifithas

a cable dangling

off it, leave it.

Percentage

of couples

who’ve had

sex while

wearing

a Santa hat

10

Source: Study by Durex

Embrace Pleasure Gels

sex & relationships