DECEMBER 2016 womenshealth.com.au 131ISSUETHE#stronghealthyyouMartz says that if you look at the
most basic of gender differences,
the divide is understandable. “If we
take it way back to evolutionary
psychology, then it makes sense
that men are more competitive and
women are more communal. It’s
more important for women to
be non-threatening and make
friends.” One experiment by social
anthropologist Dr Mimi Nichter
found that young women felt
pressured to engage in self-
degrading fat-talk if the body
bashing was going on in a group
situation. To stay silent was seen
as an implicit suggestion that their
own body was perfect – and it
seems that line of thought isn’t
going to win you any friends.
What’s the problem?
Superficially, there may appear to
be little wrong with a bit of well-
timed self-deprecation. Being able
to laugh at your flaws is endearing
and makes you seem human. There
is, for all of us, a marked difference
between the person we present to
the world and the person, complete
with insecurities and dark thoughts
and self doubt, we feel is our true
self. Showing vulnerability can
break down barriers and make
a connection feel more real.
The problem is that while we’reusing negative self-talk to seem
more likeable to others, we actually
end up liking ourselves less. “When
we indulge in self-critical talk, it pulls
us down into a depressed state.
It’s not good for our self-esteem,”
says Martz. “We end up feeling
bad about ourselves and the big
problem is that it then becomes
normal to feel bad about ourselves.”
So much of the problem is thefrequency of this negativity. A study
by Weight Watchers concluded
that women self-criticise on average
eight times a day. “Replaying critical
self-beliefs creates an established
neural pathway in the brain. And
when you say it out loud to friends,
you’re making the pathway deeper,”
says psychologist Dr Lisa Firestone,
co-author of Conquer Your Critical
Inner Voice. The process is so
powerful it can have far-reaching
consequences on how we view
ourselves. “In people with eating
disorderssuchasanorexia,it’s
possible that years of fat-talk have
altered the way sufferers see their
bodies,” explains Martz. (One
study noted that anorexia sufferers
physically turned their bodies in
order to fit through doorways, the
way an obese person may need to.)
This problem extends beyond
our bodies, though: research
by University College London
found that women consistently
underestimate how intelligent they
are.“It’swhatwecallthemale
hubris and female humility effect,”
said psychologist Adrian Furnham,HELP
THEM OUT“Whether you’re
getting a grilling
in a job interview
or writing your
online dating
profile, people
want to know
about your skills
and positives,”
says Klaus. “Once
you recognise it
as furnishing
others with useful
information, the
focus swivels onto
meeting their
needs.”TELL A
STORY
“Bragging
happens when
you simply list
achievements and
reel off ‘I did X,
then Y, then I won
Z,’” says Klaus.
“Framing a career
win or the year
you lived abroad
as a story with
colourful
obstacles, with
you as the
incidental
protagonist,
makes it more
conversational.”BE
EXCITED
Positively
presenting
yourself (coffee
with a new friend,
a networking
event) can bring
on the nerves.
“Reframe the
adrenaline, rather
than try to deny
it,” says Klaus.
“Act as if you’re
excited, rather
than chilled – it’s
much easier than
trying to dial all
the way down
to calm.”GIVE
SUBSTANCE
There’s a reason
people love a gym
selfie: it’s an
authentic
achievement.
You’re showing
your kettlebell
toned arms but
you’re also saying
you worked for it.
Klaus adds: “It’s
better to, say,
post a snap of you
at a conference,
saying how much
you learned
rather than how
much you know.”123
4CHEER YOURSELF ON!
who conducted the study. “On
average, women underestimate
their IQ scores by about five points
while men overestimate theirs.”
Which shows, says Firestone, how
“we’re doing our gender a disservice
by encouraging this self-bashing”.
And it’s not just what negative
self-talk is doing to us – it’s also
about the way we are perceived.
Back to that Baxter study about
self-deprecation at work – all
those self-bashing gags? Yeah,
they didn’t get a laugh. In fact it
made things decidedly awkward,
leaving everyone else in the room
questioning whether the joker had
a point about her own weakness.
Another study concluded that
the quickest way for a teacher
to undermine herself in front of
a class was with a bit of misjudged
self-deprecation. She might have
thought they were bonding – in fact
she was just setting herself up to be
locked in the stationery cupboard.You can break free
And yet, here’s the really frustrating
thing: “It’s harder for women to