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suit, and as much as we, the non-
famous, adore it in principle, the
risk of looking less like a red-carpet
Jess Hart and more like an early-era
KD Lang prevents most of us from
investing. Or is it the pressure to go
shirtless beneath, and the choice then
between gaffer-taping or Susan
Sarandoning your way around
a stand-up function?
But then, a few seasons ago,
alt-formalwear started to become
a real category. Suddenly, there
were options and trends, and like
a proper wardrobe-autodidact,
I set out to try them all, beginning
with the formal jumpsuit. The
versatile piece gained real traction in
2014 – the year Solange Knowles
changed into a cream Stéphane
Rolland one-piece between her
wedding and reception, Jourdan
Dunn wore a leather style to the British
Fashion Awards and the ascendant
Kendall Jenner worked a jumpsuit
for almost every occasion.
And they are still to be had
(“jumpsuits” is a now a standalone
search on Net-A-Porter, not muddled
in with “dresses”), from the serious Haider
Ackermanns to the wash-and-wear Frames. But do
know this (since I learned it the hard way at a smart
English wedding in that First Summer Of The
Jumpsuit): if the hems are even slightly too long,
catching them with a heel will cause you to
inadvertently garrotte yourself on the way to the
open bar. And if the body is just a touch too short,
by evening’s end, the sensation in your lower
quarters will be something akin to rope burn.
Perhaps just keep the tags on until you’re sure.
And be open to disrobing completely every time
you pop to the bathroom. ]“Evening is hard, really hard,” confirms
super-stylist Kate Young, who has dressed
Margot Robbie, Selena Gomez and Sienna
Miller among others, and has evidently
witnessed enough event-wear missteps
that she produced a how-to for civilians:
Dressing For The Dark: From The Silver
Screen To The Red Carpet. “It’s not as
forgiving on your figure,” she explains.
“Haven’t we all been to a fancy event and
seen a friend and thought, ‘Oh my God,
I didn’t know she had such big boobs
because she [usually] wears a blazer’?
Eveningwear can be like bathing suits
- you really see what’s going on.”
It’s especially the case in Australia, where our climate
encourages a degree of exposed flesh that would be
fatal in the crisp Northern Hemisphere festive season.
If party-dressing did once mean getting it all out at the
same time, most of us learn after a few goes-around that
socialising with leg, shoulder, back and boobs (top of,
side and under) on simultaneous display is an
impediment to proper fun. Not to mention, it’s deeply
unsexy since the combination of nerves and inadequate
coverage leads to constant and obvious adjusting – the
hoicking up of strapless things, the tugging at too-tight
things, having to be half-undone by midnight (all
functional opposites to flirting and proper charm).
In the past, I’ve willingly thrown fistfuls of cash at the
problem – understanding that elegant but comfortable
but still a bit special tends to cost – but an $800 dress that
is too distinctive, trend-driven or doesn’t lend itself to
clever restyling can still turn out to be a one-wear wonder.
Because parties mean photos and social media and all
the same people. End-of-season cost-per-wear: $800. My
lesson from the 2013 season.
So what are the alternatives? If not frocks, then what?
For the longest time, there was little beyond the tux. And
although every celebrity worth her salt, from Gwyneth
Paltrow and Victoria Beckham to Chloë Sevigny and the
Olsens, has demonstrated the merits of a well-cut evening
“STOVEPIPE
OR CIGARETTE,
SLEEK AND
CROPPED OR
FLOWING WIDE-
LEG, METALLIC
OR EMBELLISHED- EVENING
PANTS WERE
EVERYWHERE
FOR AW16-17”
SOO JOO PARK KRISTEN STEWART RIHANNA