marieclaire.com.au 37“But there is a clear trend. And it’s on
a continuum, which is great because
that means it’s a stable change.”
The advantages of both parents
sharing in childcare will be, to many,
self-evident. “A father who makes
the lunchboxes and knows where
all the clothes are? Those tiny things
are absolutely vital,” says Burgess.
I can vouch for this. I never knew
preparing a meal for a toddler and then
placing it into a Tupperware box could
be such an act of love. No joke, I would
happily spend the rest of my life making
packed lunches for my children. And if
this makes me sound like I’m hormonal,
then it turns out that I probably am.
“Research shows that when fathers
care for their babies, they undergo
much of the same physiological changes
in their bodies as mothers,” Burgess
tells me. “Hormones such as prolactin
and oxytocin enter the body. Bonding
hormones. Your testosterone comesdown by about a third
in the first year and it
really comes down if
you’re very involved
in raising the child, co-sleeping and
things like that. As a result of that, your
aggressive instincts drop for a while.”
“I don’t think I cried between the
ages of 17 and 33,” says Matt Hill, 34,
whose wife, Zenobia, gave birth to their
daughter, Roxana, five months ago.
“But I’ve definitely felt like crying
a lot more, even if I’m just watching
some crap TV drama.”
Hill says that he and Zenobia
“pride ourselves on being fairly gender
neutral in our roles”, although he
admits there’s nothing he can do about
breastfeeding. “I’d like to take on some
full-time care,” he says. “As much as you
try to be supportive in terms of cooking
and cleaning, you want to get hands-on
time with the baby.”
For all the couples
now committed to
gender neutrality as
parents, there is still
some way to go. The
State Of Australia’s
Fathers report showed
that about 50 per cent
of the fathers surveyed
with children under 18
considered themselves
“helpers”, rather than a
primary caregiver with
equal responsibilities.
Part of the
problem is that to
become a D-ummy
certain outside factors
need to be in place.
Both you and your
partner need access to
a degree of flexible
working. If you’re
bound by rigid hours,
then you can’t run off
to take your toddler to
playgroup or the GP.
The other big
driving force has been
equal pay. There is still
a gender pay gap, but
for many professions
it’s almost non-
existent. “And these
people are marryingeach other,” says Burgess. “It’s no longer
the doctor marrying the nurse. It’s the
doctor marrying the doctor.”
Richard Turney, 34, is a barrister.
His wife Kate is also a barrister. They
have two boys – Milo and Nico – both
under two. For Turney, the feeling of
compromise – of not being an out-and-
out breadwinner, but not being a “latte
pappa” either – creates a kind of
existential tension. “There are times
I’ve been really busy with work and
Kate will say, ‘I can collect Milo from
daycare.’ And even though that would
be the sensible thing to do, I’ll argue
the toss with her. I’ll leave work early
just because of the principle.”
This is textbook D-ummy
behaviour. The need to prove to yourself
that, yes, you are doing this and you
will continue to do this. D-ummies can
also be incredibly thin-skinned.
“I don’t take
criticism well,” says
Turney. “Last night
Kate mentioned she
thought Milo’s teeth
were looking slightly
stained, and that we
should be careful about
how we brush them.
And I basically lost my
shit because his teeth
are my job: ‘It’s very
difficult to brush his
teeth, you know!’ Kate
was like, ‘Whoa. Where
did that come from?’”
The thing is, I’ve
been doing this for
almost two years and I
still have a fair bit
to go, but I struggle
to see a downside. Yes,
I am hormonal,
testosterone-deprived
and thin-skinned. I
exist in a world of low-
level stress and lower
back pain, a world in
which supermodels are
conspicuous only by
their absence. But for
the most part, I’m very
happy. Never been
happier. We may be a
bunch of D-ummies,
but we’re trying.“When dads care for their babies,
they undergo much the same
physiological changes as mothers”- Adrienne Burgess, The Fatherhood Institute
THE NUMBERSStudies show that
stay-at-home dads
build stronger bonds
with their children,
yet it’s estimatedless than 5%
of new Australian
dads take extended
parental leave.More than
70,000
fathers and same-
sex partners claimed
“Dad and Partner
Pay” in the first 12
months after the
scheme was
introduced in
2013/14.This entitles dads to2 weeks
of government-
funded pay at the
national minimum
wage of $672 per
TOM JACKSON/THE TIMES MAGAZINE/NEWS SYNDICATION week, before tax.
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