The Master of Sex and space
bartender makes a mean pavlova
WORDS HELEN O’HARA
Do you have a signature dish?
Well, I won [Star Baker on] The Great Comic
Relief Bake Off with my lemon pavlova, but
I refuse to ever make it again. It was a miracle
that happened, so I don’t want to try to repeat it.
When were you most starstruck?
I was in a restaurant with Arthur Miller once. A
formative moment for me was watching The
Crucible when I was about 13, but he did also
have sex with Marilyn Monroe, and shamefully
that did sweep through my mind. Also, I once
walked around Pinewood Studios with Barbara
Windsor, and I remember her saying, “This is
where we shot the bit where my bikini came
lying off in Carry On Camping.” That was
possibly the moment I got the biggest chills.
Who did you play in your first school play?
Farmer Munchkin in The Wizard Of Oz. I only
had one word: “ZOOOOOM.” I gave it gusto!
I think I marked myself out as a potential star.
What would you call your autobiography?
I’m always saying, “Oh, that’ll be the name of
my autobiography,” when I hear a really funny
line. Maybe I’d call it, ‘That’ll Be The Name Of
What is the strangest interaction you’ve
ever had with a fan?
There was a lady who came to hundreds of
performances of a play I did. [At] the stage
door, she’d say, “Hello, Michael,” and I’d say,
“Hello.” Because of its unstrangeness, that was
What is the most unusual place you have
ever thrown up?
When I irst came to LA, I’d have meetings
with people who run studio casting
departments. [In one of them] I started to feel
really rough. I was being asked a question and
I said, “I’m terribly sorry, but I think I’m
about to be sick.” I started throwing up as I
was walking out of her ofice, and I threw up
all over the walls of the waiting room. She
never gave me a part, but she remembered me.
Have you ever knowingly broken the law?
Me and a friend thought it would be interesting to
see if we could get from one end of the street to
the other, just on people’s roofs. At night. We
managed, until a police car turned up. So we
jumped off someone’s roof into what turned out
to be a muddy bog. Then we had the slowest chase
in the universe as we waded through this bog.
What is your earliest memory?
I’m walking down a corridor towards this
door. I open the door and a voice from
downstairs says, “Michael, what are you
doing?” I realise I’m doing something naughty
and I close the door again. On the other side
of the door my new baby sister is sleeping,
and I think I’m going in there to kill her.
I think! We’ll never know because my mother’s
voice stopped me. Maybe that’s the title of
my autobiography: ‘Michael, What Are
On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is
I’m going to get some help with this. [Shouts]
Sarah! [Silverman, Sheen’s girlfriend] On a
scale of one to ten, how hairy is my arse?
[Pause] It’s immaculate, she says. I wouldn’t
trust anything she says. Sarah once told me
she liked the smell of my armpit, so for her
birthday I put bits of cotton under my armpit,
my arse crack and my ball sack all day, then
I put each one into a little test tube, in a
presentation box. She says she didn’t need
arse crack, but that was a little freebie.
PASSENGERS IS IN CINEMAS NOW.