(Brent) #1



The Master of Sex and space
bartender makes a mean pavlova




Do you have a signature dish?
Well, I won [Star Baker on] The Great Comic
Relief Bake Off with my lemon pavlova, but
I refuse to ever make it again. It was a miracle
that happened, so I don’t want to try to repeat it.

When were you most starstruck?
I was in a restaurant with Arthur Miller once. A
formative moment for me was watching The
Crucible when I was about 13, but he did also
have sex with Marilyn Monroe, and shamefully
that did sweep through my mind. Also, I once
walked around Pinewood Studios with Barbara
Windsor, and I remember her saying, “This is
where we shot the bit where my bikini came
lying off in Carry On Camping.” That was
possibly the moment I got the biggest chills.

Who did you play in your first school play?
Farmer Munchkin in The Wizard Of Oz. I only
had one word: “ZOOOOOM.” I gave it gusto!
I think I marked myself out as a potential star.

What would you call your autobiography?
I’m always saying, “Oh, that’ll be the name of
my autobiography,” when I hear a really funny
line. Maybe I’d call it, ‘That’ll Be The Name Of
My Autobiography’.

What is the strangest interaction you’ve
ever had with a fan?
There was a lady who came to hundreds of
performances of a play I did. [At] the stage
door, she’d say, “Hello, Michael,” and I’d say,
“Hello.” Because of its unstrangeness, that was
very strange.

What is the most unusual place you have
ever thrown up?
When I irst came to LA, I’d have meetings
with people who run studio casting
departments. [In one of them] I started to feel
really rough. I was being asked a question and
I said, “I’m terribly sorry, but I think I’m
about to be sick.” I started throwing up as I
was walking out of her ofice, and I threw up
all over the walls of the waiting room. She
never gave me a part, but she remembered me.

Have you ever knowingly broken the law?
Me and a friend thought it would be interesting to
see if we could get from one end of the street to
the other, just on people’s roofs. At night. We
managed, until a police car turned up. So we
jumped off someone’s roof into what turned out
to be a muddy bog. Then we had the slowest chase
in the universe as we waded through this bog.

What is your earliest memory?
I’m walking down a corridor towards this
door. I open the door and a voice from
downstairs says, “Michael, what are you
doing?” I realise I’m doing something naughty
and I close the door again. On the other side
of the door my new baby sister is sleeping,
and I think I’m going in there to kill her.
I think! We’ll never know because my mother’s
voice stopped me. Maybe that’s the title of
my autobiography: ‘Michael, What Are
You Doing?’

On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is
your arse?
I’m going to get some help with this. [Shouts]
Sarah! [Silverman, Sheen’s girlfriend] On a
scale of one to ten, how hairy is my arse?
[Pause] It’s immaculate, she says. I wouldn’t
trust anything she says. Sarah once told me
she liked the smell of my armpit, so for her
birthday I put bits of cotton under my armpit,
my arse crack and my ball sack all day, then
I put each one into a little test tube, in a
presentation box. She says she didn’t need
arse crack, but that was a little freebie.

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