LIFE
They seemed genuinely happy to be
working there, although that’s prob-
ably because most of them were in
their twenties and have never known
any better. It’s minimum-wage shift
work for the most part, but one of
the perks of the job is free access to
things like the sauna and spa. The fact
that 95 per cent of the customers are
reasonably well-to-do makes for a
convivial atmosphere. I imagine there
are plenty of less pleasant service jobs
in the East Midlands.
OK, now for the not-so-good news.
The website promised free milk, cof-
fee and tea in our ‘waterside lodge’,
but that turned out to consist of four
teabags, two servings of instant cof-
fee and three individual long-life milk
portions. In addition, there was pre-
cisely one toilet roll and one dish-
washer tablet. That struck me as
needlessly penny-pinching, but it was
symptomatic of Center Parcs as a
whole. You had to pay extra for all the
activities, save for the swimming pool,
which was elbow-to-elbow crowded.
We booked five, which came to £308,
and one of those was table tennis.
The food was shockingly poor,
given that I’ve always thought of
Center Parcs as middle-class. Where
was the muesli and quinoa? The sand-
wiches in the only supermarket were
sub-Ginsters and whole aisles were
devoted to crisps and sweets. No sal-
ads to speak of and overpriced wines
from vineyards you’d never heard
of. A Sainsbury’s or a Tesco would
have been a huge step up. Most of
the restaurants were one notch above
McDonald’s — chains like Café
Rouge and Bella Italia — and there
was an Italian-cum-Indian-cum-Thai-
cum-Chinese takeaway, which wasA
gainst my better judgment,
I agreed to go to Center
Parcs for an Easter week-
end break. We chose the one in Sher-
wood Forest, not because of any sen-
timental attachment to Robin Hood,
but because it was the most inexpen-
sive. Even then, it was hardly cheap:
£804 for three nights and that didn’t
include breakfast.
First, the good news. I was scep-
tical about the website’s promise of
free Wi-Fi, imaging it would be simi-
lar to the ‘free Wi-Fi’ on Virgin Trains,
but it actually worked. The connec-
tion speed was impressive, as good as
my set-up at home, and it didn’t mat-
ter where you were in the resort, as
far as I could tell. My guess is they’ve
stuffed routers into every nook and
cranny. That was a shrewd invest-
ment since it’s a good way of keeping
grumpy old dads like me happy. I was
able to watch the Brighton vs QPR
game using the Sky Go app on my
iPad, and that left me well-disposed
towards Center Parcs, prepared to
forgive any number of sins.
In addition, the staff were polite
and friendly in a human, non-robotic
way. That was true across the board,
but particularly so of the guides and
instructors who showed us how to do
the various activities we’d signed up
for, like the ‘Indoor Climbing Adven-
ture’ and the ‘High Ropes Challenge’.
slow and borderline inedible. From
a culinary point of view, it was like
being trapped in a dying coastal town.
Center Parcs boasts a ‘family
friendly’ atmosphere, but the fact that
nothing apart from the accommoda-
tion is included in the price means it
isn’t. Why? Because it means your
wretched children are constantly
pestering you to buy stuff, from soft
drinks to beach toys. At one point I
succumbed and forked out 99p for
a plastic ‘spinning hoop’, the cheap-
est thing I could find. My children
quickly discovered it suffered from a
design flaw: when you threw it, it did
a barrel roll, making it impossible to
catch. Being a curmudgeonly type, I
took it back to the shop and demand-
ed my money back, only to be told
that they had a ‘no refund’ policy. My
daughter had to stop me piling the
entire stock of ‘spinning hoops’ on
to the counter and ordering them to
take them off sale.
As for the ‘waterside lodge’, it
had an air of ‘stack-’em-high, sell-
’em-cheap’ functionality, as though it
had been thrown together in a hurry.
Bathroom fittings were crooked, and
the slightly garish prints of outdoor
scenes on the walls were bubbling
and peeling in places. It was like a
decommissioned Ikea showroom.
Yes, it was by a pond, but that meant
ducks and swans were constantly loi-
tering by the barbecue pit, expecting
to be fed.
All in all, not a terrible experience,
thanks to the staff and the free Wi-Fi.
But I don’t think we’ll be returning
in a hurry.Toby Young is associate editor of
The Spectator.Status Anxiety
Why Parcs life
is not for me
Toby Young
MICHAEL HEATH
The food was
shockingly
poor. Where
was the muesli
and quinoa?