74 MAY 2017
F
orgive and remember – that has
always been my family’s motto. I
know “forgive and forget” is the
traditionally prescribed way to run,
but I just don’t get that. Of course,
I understand the theory, but in practice I’m
not so sure.
After the initial wave of emotion has passed
(and this may take some time), you face the
challenge of whether you can forgive the
person for what they’ve done. Through
forgiveness, you let go of your grievances and
your judgement of the situation and consequently
allow yourself to heal. Great theory, right? But
how do you actually achieve it?
For me, understanding came when I realised
that forgiveness isn’t something you do for the
other person, but something you do for yourself.
It doesn’t mean you’re pardoning or excusing the
other person’s behaviour – you don’t even have to
tell them they’re forgiven. Nor do you have to
forget what happened or how you feel about the
situation. And it doesn’t mean it’s all okay in the
relationship – maybe you don’t even need that
person in your life any more. But by forgiving
them, you accept the reality of what happened
and find a way to live with it and move forward.
It’s a powerful feeling when you choose to
forgive. Forgiveness allows you to take command
of the situation – it means you stop letting this
person have so much effect on you. By being in
control you actually take away their power.
You know forgiveness has begun when you
think of those who hurt you and are able to wish
them well. It’s certainly not an easy shift and it
doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. My
theory on forgiveness and other life
processes – grief, for example – is that it
takes the same time as from conception
to birth. It takes me about nine
months, and that’s not to get over it,
but to start to cope through it.
Initially when someone has
wronged you, you’re filled with
thoughts of getting even – revenge
and retribution. You’re holding a big
grudge and I think you’re allowed to
wallow in that a bit. You certainly need
to acknowledge and explore your anger.When someone wrongs you, should you just forgive and forget? Jo Seagar
offers some advice for how to make peace with your foes.Letting it go
[ A slice of life ]
Feel free to adopt my “nine months”
approach – a certain amount of time needs to
pass before you start to think about step two.
That’s when you’re faced with the big
question: “Do I want to forgive?” This is the
tricky bit – you do have to be willing for
forgiveness to work.
Perhaps writing it all down in a letter to
yourself or a letter that never needs to be sent
is a helpful process.
It is sometimes the word forgiveness you
get stuck on – it can sound a bit therapist-
speak – but if you redefine it as “processing the
emotional trauma” it simply means letting go of
the hurt and your judgement of the other person.
Forgiveness puts the final seal on what
happened. You don’t need to forget, and you’re
certainly not letting them off easy, but you are no
longer defined and bound by their action. By
forgiving someone, you lessen their grip, and it
helps you find spiritual and psychological
wellbeing. Forgiveness is a wonderful way to
honour yourself and it affirms that you deserve to
be happy and you deserve the best.
So on that note, while you’re celebrating the
forgiveness with a glass of Champagne, here’s a
recipe for a tasty little nibble to accompany it. AW W“
Forgiveness
isn’t
something
you do for
the other
person,
but
something
you do for
yourself.”
PHOTOGRAPHY BY ALAMY.Granny Win’s (a wonderfully wise
woman) cheesy shortbread
MAKES ABOUT 30
150g butter
150g grated tasty cheese
1½ cups flour
generous salt and pepper, to taste1 Place all ingredients in a food processor and
run the machine until the mixture clumps
around the blade. With floured hands, roll
the dough into a sausage-shaped log.
2 Wrap and chill for 20 minutes.
3 Preheat oven to 180°C and line an
oven tray with baking paper.
4 Slice the dough into 3-4mm thick
rounds, place them on the prepared
tray and bake for 15-20 minutes.
5 Cool on a wire rack.
Can be stored in an airtight container for 7-10
days and best served slightly warmed.