76 MAY 2017
]
Giving babies advice before they’re born makes perfect sense – after all,
it’s a captive audience, says Pat McDermott.W
hen I was having babies
(that would be towards the
end of the Jurassic period)
mothers-to-be were pretty
evenly divided into two
groups. The first group played Mozart to their
pregnant tummies every afternoon while they
dozed comfortably in a quiet room. The second
group fell sound asleep on the sofa with a box
of Tiny Teddies on their tummy and Dr. Phil
on the TV. I was in the latter. I really wanted to
listen to peaceful music while my growing baby
absorbed a whole lot of “good vibrations” but
something always got in the way. Then all of a
sudden I was in labour and all the classical music
in the world wasn’t helping.
“Good Vibrations – YES! The Beach Boys! I
loved those guys,” says the MOTH (man of the
house). Usually I throw cushions at him but this
time I whacked him with a jandal. “Not the Beach
Boys! I’m talking about the music pregnant
women are supposed to listen to. Soothing stuff
like Debussy or Michael Bublé.”
“I don’t remember you doing that.”
“That’s because I didn’t.”
Back then every day was Mother’s Day. I ran
around with my hair on fire – shouting, shopping,
driving, cooking, ironing mountains of school
uniforms, helping with homework. I once made a
totally amazing shoebox farm circa 1890. There
were chickens made from cotton wool and
toothpicks. But my specialty was essays. Nuclear
power, Burke and Wills, Henry VIII, Sir Robert
Menzies – you name it, I wrote about it. I once
made iron ore production sound almost
interesting. Damn I was good! I also fed the
cat and walked the dog that other people
had promised to feed and walk and in
between I answered those difficult
questions that kids ask.
“If rabbits are so bad for the
environment why did God make them
cute?” I don’t know.
“Are we there yet?” No.
“How much further is ‘not
much further’?” A bit further.
“On a scale of one to 10, how
upset would you be if the
police were at the door?”Whose door? “Our door.” It depends. Do they
have a search warrant?
At night I fell asleep fast and dreamed
about how many school shoes could dance on
the head of a pin. Nevertheless, I worried that
instead of T chaikovsky, my unborn baby was
only hearing me. Me talking, me giving
orders, me singing Dancing Queen. Then I
reminded myself that the baby I was expecting
would struggle to hear anything over the noise
of my stomach digesting the chocolate biscuits
and low-fat yoghurt I’d had for lunch.
How wrong I was. Scientists believe babies can
hear sounds as early as 17 weeks. By 26 weeks,
they recognise voices and wriggle with
excitement! We can talk to them and they can’t get
away. Listen up, babies, this is your mother
speaking! Hey you – yes, you in there, paddling
about, turning somersaults and living the dream.
There’s a lot of stuff you need to know.1
That noise may sound like an F-35 (that’s a
fighter plane, sweetie) but it’s only the hand
dryer in the ladies’ loo.2
I’m not yelling at you. I’d never do that.
I’m yelling at your brothers and sisters.3
Never ask anyone, “How’s your day been
so far?”4
Avoid playgrounds. Vacant lots full of
old bricks are safer.5
I check pockets for tissues. Check them
yourself and you won’t have to worry about
what I might find.6
Sleepovers are not as much fun as you
might think. We’ll drive over and pick you
up but ring before 9pm. Of course they’ll talk
about you when you’re gone. But who cares!7
A grown-up, even one who loves you, can only
watch so many episodes of Play School.8
I always choose the square window.
It’s often the right one.9
You are not allowed to play the
recorder. We’ve all suffered enough.10
You can try turning off my voice in your
head when you get older but I’ll worm my
way back in because you’ve been listening to me
since before you were born. AWWILLUSTRATION BY MAUDE GUESNE AT ILLUSTRATIONROOM.COM.AU. PAT MCDERMOTT: PHOTOGRAPHY BY PAUL SUESSE.Mother superior
[ Family matters ]
All of a
sudden I
was in
labour
and
classical
music
wasn’t
helping.To connect with Pat on Facebook, visit
http://www.facebook.com/PatMcDermottau.