sense in this context. I certainly
have tussled with that sticky, dark
pull that both roots you to the spot
and tugs at your sense of order
when your brain isn’t quitecoping.
“There is a strong relationship
between depressionand high-risk
behaviours,” says Pamela Cantor,
a psychologist and lecturer at
Harvard Medical School. “People
ě
highs – the dopamine rush of
a bungee-jump, the excitement
and release of a risky sexual
liaison.” Thus, the adrenaline provides a momentary,
thrilling break from an otherwise unsatisfying reality.
Ĵ¢Ȃǰ
I don’t think it’s at the crux of what’s going on. I’m not
looking for a near-death experience to remind me I want
to be alive. The plunges I take go beyond the momentary
ę¡ǯȬǰ ¢Ě¢
into the abyss only to hurtle back out again 10 seconds later,
most of my jumps have left me facing a much more lingering
and scary unknown. Throwing everything up in the air isn’t
about wanting to live so much as wanting to be actively
engaged in the proceedings of my life – to remind myself
that I have enormous agency over my own existence, that
I don’t have to sleepwalk down a road that others, like
zombies, have unthinkingly trampled before me.
There are, of course, sad consequences of my behaviour.
For every drastic whim, there’s been a boyfriend left behind,
¢ ¢Ĵǰ
the end of the phone whose voice cracks as she pretends to
¢ę Ȃǯ Ȃ Ȃ
ǯ ȂĚ ¢
have felt, retrospectively. But had I always forced myself to
absorb everyone else’s disquiet in the moment, my life
¢ěǯ¢¢
ǰ ę¢
made. Every time I cause one of these giant disruptions, it
refreshes the sense that I, alone, am in control of my future.
Nothing is predetermined, there is no fate and no destiny.
I act autonomously. Every choice is mine to make, so heck,
I’m going to make some really big ones and see what
happens next. I may have left a few casualties in my wake,
but I approach these moments with the optimism that, onceI’ve made thatscreeching handbrake turn, it will all work out. It may even open
¢¡ęǯ
And mostly they have. France was a strange excursion; I spent my time as
ĴȬ Ĵ¢Ȭě
sister. But it saved me from a year of full-moon parties with the other gap-year
ǯǰ ¢ę¢ǰ
status quo and, quite regularly, my bemused male bosses, became two of my
ęǰ¢ǰ ¢ǯ
¢ ę·ǰ Ȃ ¢ ¢
that one in my lonelier moments, but I wouldn’t
have my role as a digital editor if I hadn’t done it.
While my approach might be a touch extreme
Ȯ ¢ Ȃ Ě ¢
countries to remind yourself of your choices –
I suspect it’s something a few women may relate
to. Culturally, life has opened up a bit for us. In
theory, religion doesn’t have to govern our morals
anymore, men and Mother Nature don’t have
such dominion over our bodies and, thanks to
feminism, we can now be anything we bloody
well want to be. More and more, we’re able to feel
like we don’t have to answer to anyone but
ourselves. But this heaps on a colossal pressure to
take advantage of our options, to do something
ǯ ¢ ĵ ¢ The Paradox Of
Choice, “The fact that some choice is good doesn’t
¢Ĵǯ
is a cost to having an overload of choice.” And the
cost is that it can be a bit paralysing.
¢ę¢DZ
paralysed. My latest stab at rebellion has gone
hilariously wrong – the bad biker boy (aka non-
ȬĴ¢Ǽ Ȃ
out to be a nice bloke after a serious relationship.
I’ve been in the same house with the same three
delightful friends for a year, longer than I’ve ever
¢ ǰ Ȃ¢Ĵ
I love. I’m dangerously close to the path well
trodden and thus overdue for a shift. Yet, somehow,
this time it feels like I might have a lot more to lose.
It was put to me that perhaps the biggest leap
someone like me could take right now would be to
ǯę ¢
my frequently wielded agency to overcome the
ǰȱ ę ¢
situation is a state of my own
creation. But while I continue to
have enough optimism to know
Ȃ ę ¢
the course, I’m just not sure I’m
ready to remain on the bridge.ESCAPE ARTIST
The author
Natasha BirdELLE.COM.AU / @ELLEAUS 75
Photography: Norbert Zsolyomi
“EVERY TIME
I CAUSE ONE OF
THESEGIANT
DISRUPTIONS,
IT REFRESHES
THE SENSE
THATI’M IN
CONTROLOF
MY FUTURE”