Cosmopolitan USA – June 2017

DOUCHE-O-METER

JUS T

CLUELESS

UM, NO

C HEC K ,

PLEASE

SO

OFFENSIVE

EPIC FAIL

L IT ER A L LY

DERANGED

30 _COSMOPOLITAN _JUNE 2017

DATES FROM HELL

“I went out for coffee with this guy, and he spent

an hour talking about all his exes and his

‘low-key’ stalking habits with his most recent

ex-girlfriend. They were actually high-key.

He told me he would follow her home, drive by

her house, and check her social media. He even

told me how much he missed their sex life. Then

he turned to me and said, ‘So what I’m getting

at is that I finally realized this week that I’m

fully ready to move on and start over with some-

one new.’ Obvi, he wasn’t.”

—AMANDA B., 22

“Even though it was our first date,

he took me to meet his parents.

His mom asked me tons of personal

questions—like the number of

sexual partners I’ve had. I left after

10 minutes.”

—MEGHAN C., 22

“We set up a date on Tinder.

When he got there, he was already

drunk and wound up falling asleep

in my bed. In the middle of the

night, I woke up to find him peeing

in my laundry basket. He must

have thought it was the toilet. I led

him out of my house, threw his

clothes in the yard, and locked the

doors. What a weirdo.”

—RACHEL P., 24

“He asked me if I’d ever done anal

before. Then he proceeded

to tell me that women were given

butt holes for things to be put in

them, and men were given

butt holes for things to come out

of them. I left him at the bar.”

—TAYLOR S., 25

“I met a guy on an app. When I

arrived, he was with another

girl. He didn’t explain who she was,

so I only found out when he got up

to use the men’s room. She was the

mother of his child. He thought it

was cool to bring his baby mama

on our date.”

—LAINE W., 26

“This cute dude took me to the

movies. When we went to buy

our tickets, he told me I should pay

because ‘I’d picked the movie.’

Then when I suggested we get soda

and popcorn, he pulled one of

those unlimited refill popcorn bags

out of the trash can and shame-

lessly had the person at the counter

refill it. He just lied and told them

he’d spilled his soda on it and

that’s how it got so crinkled and

brown. Cheapest date ever.”

—CHRISTY H., 26 MARCEL/STOCKSY