Cosmopolitan UK — June 2017

170 ·^ COSMOPOLITAN

Teq i
Tequi again)
Ch m a
C i s
Glass o i
B tt e wi e

5.00

5.00

40.00

6.00

6.50

23. 86 0

2 .06.2017

d ___________________(The Hungover)

h d b h d Few ht

s th g )

1

W

n

why her mouth h h h b l k h

y y y g ,

so it can t be a hangover. Maybe she has flu? Is this death s

sweet embrace? She will sense that moving her head would

be a mistake, and so keeps it glued to the pillow until her

stomach or bladder send further instructions.

2

DAMAGE LIMITATION

It’s time for the truth. The Hungover will send ‘WAS

I REALLY AWFUL?’ texts to anyone who might be able

to vouch for the whereabouts of her tongue, dignity and

leather jacket. ‘You were fiiiiiine!’ they’ll reply, which she

will believe until she finds the 32 blurry toilet selfies on her

camera roll, the receipt for £86.20 at a bar called Liquid

Envy Lounge and a sachet of KFC ketchup in her bra.

3

SELF-CARE

The Hungover will embark on a mission to find out

exactly what her stomach wants. Is it grease? Carbs? Half

a dry cracker? After a series of queasy errors, the Hungover

will narrow it down to pickled onion Monster Munch with

a bucket of Diet Coke. But this means putting on shoes

and a bra, so instead, she will scroll miserably through

photos of people’s brunches, while nibbling the dry cracker.

4

THE RESURRECTION

A memory will hit the Hungover that she is supposed

b i h i i f il l ch in

n the

f f f , n

g f f g

d h ll h l

in f

, un f

l k l k n e b l d.

5

DECEPTI N

The Hung ll hy

performance to g

is the model of y y

GREAT. No, no y g y

until someone wafts an egg sandwich in her direction and

she has to excuse herself to go and stand outside with her

face against the wall. She will wonder if a hair of the dog is

a good idea. It will not be a good idea.

6

ATONEMENT

Safely back home, the Hungover will decide that, if

she can’t feel clean and pure inside, she should make the

world around her clean and pure instead. So she will blend

a nutritious green shake, clean the bath and attempt to

take the bins out, which will be thwarted when she realises

her brain can’t remember how to tie a knot. Instead she

will have a little cry and order a Domino’s.

7

RETREAT

Finally, the Hungover will decide to embrace h

condition. Under a duvet. She will spend the next

hour and a half mindlessly flicking through

Netflix, eating fistfuls of cereal and refreshing

Instagram to check if any photos have emerged

from last night. Eventually she

return to Gilmore Girls, “for

comfort”, and fall asleep during

the opening credits. This is

when the photos will appear.

The hango r

t ct

TTTeq
TTTequ
Cham
Chips
Glass
Bottle

This is an agreement made by A Woman Who Had A F

_________________ (hereafter referred to as

quiila

uiila(a

mpaagneagain))

s

s oof w

e of iine

wwine

(^40400)
6.0 (^0000)
6.5 000

23. 70
    86.20

(^23) .06.20
171717
TTHHHHEEEE
CCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOSSMMOOOPPPOOOLLLIITTTTAAAAANNN
CCCOONNTTRRAACCCCTTT
THEAWWAKENING
The Hunngover will wake with a jolt, wondering
why her mouth tastes as though she’s been licking the whyhermouth
underbelly of a dusty camel. She only had ‘a few’ last night,
so it can’t be a hangover. Maybe she has flu? Is this death’s
highlighter
discovering
looks like an
DECEP
11111171111117117171717777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777
w Too Many Last Night
he Hungover)
an attempt to look ‘glowy’, b efore later
nder fluorescent train lighting, that she
mbalmed corpse.
ION
gover will put in a BAFTA-worthy
o convince her boss/gran/mother-in-law she
f self-control. “Hiya, how are you? I FEEL
o, I was home by 11!” It will all go perfectly
ft d i h i h di ti d
THE LAST WORD
otos have emerged
e will
ng
her
t
WORDS LAUREN BRAVO. PHOTOGRAPHS ALAMY, GETTY IMAGES, HEARST STUDIOS, SHUTTERSTOCK
Signed: __
to be at either an important meeting or a family lun
under an hour. She will prepare by sitting on
floor of the shower for 20 minutes, then
putting on a confused outfit involving
dungarees. She’ll then trowel on