COSMOPOLITAN · 27Musical makeovers
W
hat do you get when you mix Nicole Scherzinger, a watermelon and men in tight trousers
singing about their feelings? A Dirty Dancing revamp is what. ABC has remade the classic
as a TV musical, airing this month, with Little Miss Sunshine’s Abigail Breslin as Baby,
Scherzy as Penny, and... Colt Prattes (he was in a P!nk video) as Johnny. Patrick Swayze he ain’t, but
a Google search reveals a six-pack to rival The Rock’s. So what if these films got the same treatment?As one classic film gets a refresh, we give four more the song and dance treatment...
The Social Network
Remind me: Computer geek
Mark Zuckerberg has a pretty
good idea for a new website.
Who would play the lead?
Harry Styles has those
Zuckerberg/Jesse Eisenberg
curls going on, and he’s
giving acting a go, so...
The big number would be...
Where Are My Likes? – theBridesmaids
Remind me: Maid of honour
has meltdown in women-
can-be-funny-too shocker.
Who would play the lead?
Lindsay Lohan. She once had
a secret (OK, failed) singing
career, and would have the
hot-mess thing nailed.
The big number would be...
Snakebites On A Plane...Sex And The City 2
Remind me: Ill-advised
second big-screen jaunt for
Carrie and co in Abu Dhabi.
Who would play the lead? Little
Mix in their acting debuts. Perrie
would play Carrie, of course.
The big number would be...
I Couldn’t Help But Wonder- an annoying, repetitive
drone by Carrie.
Wild
Remind me: Grief-stricken
woman (Reese Witherspoon)
hikes across the Californian
wilderness to find herself.
Who would play the lead?
Britney – the perfect mix of pop
clout and troubled back story.
The big number would be...
I Would Walk 2,650 Miles – The
Proclaimers’ classic updated.loneliness of modern life distilled
into one heart-rending ballad.
Who would write the music?
Ed Sheeran has that implausibly
successful young fella vibe.
The climactic scene: ‘On This
Day...’, a flashback montage to
Zuckerberg’s youth when his
best friend/former-business-
partner didn’t hate him.
Costumes: Grey marl T-shirts.Who would write the music?
Sad songs about a woman’s
cathartic emotional journey?
Adele’s got this, obviously.
The climactic scene: ‘Woman
vs Backpack’, an uplifting ode
to female power as barefoot
Britney triumphs in the struggle
to strap on her 70lb rucksack.
Costumes: All outfits by
The North Face.because bad things happen
when aviation and alcohol mix.
Who would write the music?
Catchy songs about girl squads
and female feuds? WhatsApping
Taylor Swift right now...
The climactic scene: ‘The Bridal
Shower Showdown’ – a West
Side Story-style dance-off.
Costumes: Topshop’s new bridal
range will keep the budget low.Who would write the music?
Kylie aided by Hamilton’s
Lin-Manuel Miranda, who
would bring that Broadway
je ne sais quoi, darling.
The climactic scene: A race
across the dunes in Manolo
Blahniks to get to Mr Big. Will she
make it? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Costumes: More labels than
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