‘We opened up a restaurant
together, and on our first night,
I volunteered to help the wait-
staff. I got this sexy dress, and
I’d been practising holding a
tray the whole day. I was so
confident – I completely didn’t
get why people think serving
drinks is so challenging. Once
the restaurant opened, I put six
beers on a tray, and I strutted
over to serve this table wheremy brother’s boss was sitting.
I took one beer off the tray, and
the rest all fell onto his crotch!
I immediately ran into the
bathroom and hid.’ – ASHLEY, 27
‘It was bad. Her brother had
started a new job, and his boss
was a high-powered attorney- not a great guy for us to be
spilling beers on during our
opening night.’ - FRANCO, 27
3 ‘When I was 19, I was
hitting on a woman who
was older than me. I lied
about my age and told her
I was 25 and a film producer.
She asked me what company
I worked for, and I dropped
the name of a company where
I did work... as a new intern.
Later, I found out that she
was engaged to one of my
bosses at the film-production
company.’ – JUSTIN, 21(^4) ’I WAS RECOVERING
FROM PNEUMONIA
WHEN I MET THIS
HOT GUY WHILE I WAS
OUT AT A BAR WITH
FRIENDS. HE AND I
STARTED MAKING OUT,
WHEN I COUGHED UP
AND SPIT UP A HUGE
GLOB OF PHLEGM IN HIS
MOUTH. HE STOPPED
AND ASKED ME IF
THAT REALLY JUST
HAPPENED. I WANTED
TO DIE ON THE SPOT.’
- DONNA, 39
(^7) ‘MY DENTIST IS SUPER CUTE. AT THE END OF
MY LAST APPOINTMENT, I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING
IN FOR A HUG, SO I HUGGED HIM BACK. IT TURNS
OUT, HE WAS ACTUALLY JUST TRYING TO TAKE
MY BIB OFF.’ – MARLI, 29
‘I’d been on an online-dating
spree, where I was going out
with a new person as often as
I could, and this dude cancelled
on me three times in one week.
He texted me a fourth time,
cancelling again, and I lost it.
I went off at him, cursing him
out, telling him what a terrible
person he is. Turns out, the text
was actually from some other
guy, who was only cancelling
for the first time.’ – KELSEA, 25
8
2 ‘One night, I got really
drunk and decided to try
a new, sexy move on my
boyfriend. I somehow had
the bright idea to tease him
a little by doing this tongue
thing in his ear, where I’d
wiggle it around – sort of like
making out with his ear. I got
carried away and accidentally
bit down hard. Almost straight
away, his whole ear swelled
up. Oops.’ – ANJALI, 21
5
‘While I was on the
table for a bikini wax,
my aesthetician said
to me, “Nice pink
colour!” I freaked out,
because I thought she
was talking about my
vag. Who does that? I
gave her a seriously
annoyed look. But
on the way home, I
looked at my nails
and realised she must
have been talking
about my manicure.’
- GEORGIA, 20
6
‘My brother-in-law
and three nephews
were taking showers
at my house because
their bathroom was
being remodelled.
I forgot they were
coming by, and while
I was out, I received
a text message from
my brother-in-law
with a picture of the
vibrator I’d left by the
tub. He captioned it,
“Your eight-year-old
nephew wants to
know what this is.”
I felt awful.’- AMY, 28
9
STORIES MAY HAVE BEEN EDITED FOR LENGTH, CONTENT AND CLARITY. PHOTOGRAPHY BY AARON RICHTER. GETTY IMAGES
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GUY CONFESSIONCOSMOPOLITAN June 2017 17