GUY WISDOM
attempting to raise secure,
stable human beings who’ve
been suddenly shoved into
an emotional hurricane by the
two out-of-control adults in
charge of everything. These
relationships are to BF/GF
relationships what sweaters are
to doilies. Unravel carefully. Put
your negative reactions in a box
and bury it in the yard.
`THE EX-ORCISMYou need
emotional distance. Dr Anne
Gilbert, a psychiatrist and
behavioral health specialist
with Indiana University Health,
says your most prudent move is
to go as cold turkey as you can
while remaining a quality father
and person.
“Start treating her as you
would a pleasant roommate,”
Dr Gilbert says. “Do your best
to set up a boundary, and be
emotionally separate. Keep
conversations cordial,
businesslike and brief, and don’t
react to her reactivity.” In short,
treat her as you would the other
crucial figures in your children’s
lives – teachers, doctors,
mother-in-law. (Well, maybe not
the mother-in-law.)
Later, says Dr Gilbert, you can
explore reviving the friendship
part. “I see lots of divorces
where people say, ‘One of my
best friends is my ex-husband,’”
Dr Gilbert says. “But that’s later
on. At first you have to set rules,
The
Recovery
FIVE STRATEGIES
THAT CAN WORK
FOR ANYONE,
EVEN YOUR OWN
SORRY SELF.1
Lick Your Wounds
In your brain, the
aftermath of romantic
rejection can look like
cocaine withdrawal,
a Rutgers University
study found. So give
yourself time to
clear your head, says
psychologist Gary
Lewandowski. Spend
it outdoors: Take hikes,
go camping, climb a
mountain. In a Finnish
survey, people who
spent time in nature
reported better
emotional well-being.2
Grab a Beer with
a Buddy
We’ve all seen break-
ups happening. Your
pals probably could
have predicted yours
too. “Friends can help
you see the broader
picture,” says Lauren
Howe, the author of
a recent Stanford
University study on
failed relationships.
Ask, but only once.
Because if it’s all
you talk about, you’ll
soon be drinking alone.
Sorry, mate.3
Recall Your
Previous Life
Good news: Before you
were part of a couple,
you were a functioning
human being with your
own favourite pastimes,
drinks, and bands.
Remember that guy?
Be him. You did it
before, so do it again.
Think of activities you
didn’t or couldn’t do
with your ex – binge-
watching Cops,
listening to Justin
Bieber on a glorious
road trip – and do it.4
Pause to Reflect
The simple act of
thinking about your
break-up can boost
your recovery,
according to University
of Arizona research.
Take 10 minutes or so
each day to reflect. It’s
okay to run through her
habits or traits that
annoyed you. In fact,
recognising these can
help you find a better
fit the next time
around, says Scott
Stanley of the
University of Denver.5
Talk to Women
But not about your ex- that’s a huge no-no.
“We know that finding
other partners is
helpful,” says Gary.
“There’s no 100 percent
solution that works for
everybody. But here’s
some science in your
favour: Seven or eight
times out of 10, finding
a new, meaningful
relationship will help
you get over a previous
one.” So, get off the
couch, and stop feeling
sorry for yourself.
because someone always feels
more strongly than the other. As
you recover, that’s when you can
relax the rules.”THE HOT-SEX YOGA
INSTRUCTOR
There’s no better partner
than the one who introduces
you to new perspectives,
experiences, skills and the
reverse cowgirl. Monmouth
University psychologist Gary
Lewandowski says losing a
woman like this is tough,
because she’s the one who
helped you expand your sense
of self and your sexual skills.
But if mastery of a position
like the T-square is the only
souvenir you bring home,
remind yourself that you
can also have those intense
experiences, but probably with
somebody more stable.
` THE EX-ORCISM Make these
two words your mantra: Clean.
Break. “Cyclical relationships –
on-again, off-again – increase
the stress,” says Gary. So close
your eyes and press your nose
against this page. When you
open your eyes, she will not only
still be gone but also have never
even existed. Done.THE LADY-BRO IN YOUR
CREW
If introducing sex into a
perfectly functional squad is oneof the most effective ways to
screw everything up, suddenly
removing it is even worse. So if
you simply can’t bear the sight
of your ex, sorry – the team has
already been forever changed.
If she goes, so does your social
network. That’s bad.
` THE EX-ORCISM If you two are
serious about preserving the
sanctity of the troop, fall back
on the interests you shared
before the hooking up: work
complaints, football games,
people you both can’t stand.
In the meantime, ask your
buddies to give you an honest
assessment of what they saw,
says Lauren. This isn’t to talk
trash about her – calling her
names solves nothing and only
makes you look weak and
slightly disgusting. Instead, it
helps you understand that the
narrative in your broken, love-
addled brain might be different
from the one your crew
witnessed. Love does that
because love is not only stupid
but also, ironically, heartless.THE SOUL MATE YOU FELL
HARD FOR
She’s history – and no amount of
sulking, Instagram-stalking and
fixating on the shortcomings you
once generously overlooked will
change that.
So organise your recovery.
Try writing (yep, writing) aboutwhy-oh-why it all fell apart,
what you both did wrong, what
you’ll never do again. Do it 30
minutes a day, Gary suggests.
Look for the positives –
reclaimed freedom, mahjong
nights, the-gang-only weekends,
and the knowledge that you’ll
go into your next relationship
much better armed.
Gary found that people
who engaged in such positive,
cathartic writing felt calmer,
more confident and more
empowered than those who
wrote about the negatives.
` THE EX-ORCISM Don’t
worry about the grammar – just
get it down. For weightless
things, words are powerful;
writing them down will feel
physically relieving.
Set aside a specific time and
place outside your usual circles
to do this: a park bench, new
coffee shop, bar, whatever.
According to Penn State
University clinical psychologist
Michelle Newman, tying your
thoughts to a specific spot will
gradually prevent them from
elbowing their way into other
times, such as just before bed
and when you’re trying to sleep
at 3am.THE CO-WORKER YOU NEVER
SHOULD HAVE DATED
Think of it like a divorce. “In the
same way divorced parents30 JUNE 2017 MENSHEALTH.COM.SG