MY PERFECT DATE NIGHTin Los Angeles starts
at the Derby with a steak rare enough to still
have a pulse, followed by some light foreplay
in my Super Deluxe before stepping into the
Formosa Cafe for drinks and witty banter with
Frank Sinatra. Update: Mr. Sinatra and I are no
longer on good terms. The last time I saw him,
I punched him in the mouth and he stole my
date. All of this could’ve been avoided, of
course, if I had planned somewhere for us
to go after my eighth martini.REAL MEN
PLAN THEIR
DATES.
I ONCE KNEWa hardened
man who was sent to Alcatraz
for tax evasion. Once he got to
prison, he was said to have
started acting “a little loopy”:
drooling, grinning stupidly,
playing the banjo, etc. When
he was finally released, he
lived out his final days at an
estate in Miami, where he
would sit by a kiddie pool with
a fishing net, hoping to catch
fish that didn’t exist. That
man’s name was Al Capone,
and it turns out he had
untreated syphilis for 38
years. So, kids, what’s the
point of this terrifying story?
It’s to show you how important
penicillin is because...yikes.REAL
MEN
KEEP IT
CLEAN.
IT’S ESSENTIAL FORa learned man to stay up-to-date on politics
and current events. Besides, nothing beats having your loyal
companion drop a newspaper at your feet every morning and
giving him a pat on the head (after all, valets do need positive
reinforcement). This routine is irrelevant when you’re too hungover
to get out of bed. If this is the case, yell at your valet to bring you
and your female companion mimosas until you both start to feel
human again. Then have sex, rinse and repeat. ■REAL MEN DON’T NEED
A GYMNASIUM.
Courtesy of Fox Consumer Products92 MEN’S FITNESS JUNE 2017