But the problem actually began even earlier.
It began with, of all people, Lee Iacocca, the
legendary Ford motor executive. "Here's a
guy who was a shooting star, launching the
Mustang," says Bryan. "Then he's kicked out
and goes on to resurrect Chrysler."
TWENTY-TWO YEARS LATER, Bryan still
can't hide his enthusiasm for the guy.
He was 13 when he discovered Iacocca's
autobiography at the public library. When
school ended and all the other kids were out
playing sports, he stayed inside and read.
Iacocca was a revelation. The clues
he left in his autobiography were just
enough for Bryan to begin plotting his own
corporate ascendancy.
From Iacocca he moved on to Sam Walton,
and from Walton to Ray Kroc. He inhaled
their life stories the way other kids read comic
books. By the time he'd reached university,
his core philosophy was already in place:
customer care. Innovation. Plenty of hard
work. It was at university that he met the
guy who would become his best mate, his
wingman, his business partner and later,
when he was pondering adultery, his enabler.
"We were going to rule the world," Bryan
remembers. "I was going to be Bill Gates and
he was going to be Paul Allen."
By age 20, Bryan was carrying a full course
load while working full time at a tech firm.
Three years later, when he started at a larger
firm, he had already developed the mindset of
a workaholic. The culture at the office didn't
help. The company was young and still in
start-up mode, and no one blinked at 80-hour
work weeks.
"I'd wake up on Saturday and I knew that
if I didn't catch up or continue email through
the weekend..." He shakes his head. "Heaven
forbid you wait till Monday morning."
Workaholism: it's been called the
best-dressed mental health problem of the
century. To the outside observer, everything
looks great. A hardworking man has always
been viewed as above reproach. But experts
suggest that often the real reason workaholics
work so hard is not to advance their careers or
provide for their families but rather to dodge
the even greater challenge of maintaining
a relationship. The fact is, if you're a
workaholic, not only are you less likely to be
as productive as a more disciplined worker
is, but you're 40 per cent more likely than the
rest of us to end up divorced.
Bryan knew something had gone wrong in
his life. "I can remember times I'd pull in the
driveway with this sense of emptiness, like,
‘Is this all there is?’"
As the days went by, he and Gina drifted
silently past each other, pursuing divergent
lives. Researchers call this "the distance and
isolation cascade," a systemic communication
pattern deviously rigged to convince both
partners that they're better off not talking to
each other. The slide toward divorce is fuelled
not by intense fighting but by emotional
distance. Usually it's set off by criticism,
says Dr John Gottman, a leading marriageresearcher who originated the idea. Faced
with criticism, a healthy couple will dig deep
for some trace of fondness and use it to de-
escalate. But when you're sleep-deprived,
overworked and short on mental resources,
who feels like digging?
According to one study from the
University of Notre Dame, couples face about
seven conflicts, on average, every two weeks.
Just one is enough to kick off the cascade and
from there it's a landslide, from criticism to
defensiveness, defensiveness to contempt,
contempt to cold-eyed indifference.
(Naturally, your sex life suffers. But more on
that later.)
The solution, says Dr Lisa Neff, a professor
in human development and family sciences,
requires more than just good relationship
skills. It also helps to recognise external
stressors and insulate yourself from them,
as they can often turn a minor transgression
into a major blowout. The need to stay cool
is especially important considering that 69
per cent of all marital conflicts, according
to Gottman, represent unresolvable
differences in core values. You must insulate
your relationship from stress. "The goal is
dialogue," says Neff, "not gridlock."
When Bryan and Gina did fight, he found
himself becoming immediately rigid, as
if he'd been injected with a paralytic. The
arguments shot out of him like bullet points.
He knew he was being absurd, but for some
reason he couldn't admit it. Sometimes the
absurdity would burp forth of its own accord,An affair won’t necessarily bust up your marriage. “If you’re tempted to have an affair, your marriage is already in trouble,” says
relationship expert Dr Steven Stosny, the author of Love Without Hurt. The good news: people don’t become cheaters overnight.
If you’re in it till death do you part – that’s what you told the celebrant, right? – watch for these five signs your union may be unravellingSNEAKY MARRIAGE SABOTEURS
#1 BUSY MORNINGS
Don’t walk out the door
without a see-you-later kiss.
“Skin-on-skin contact
releases oxytocin, which
lowers stress and makes
you feel connected,” says
Patricia Love, coauthor of
How to Improve Your
Marriage Without Talking
About It. “When a man is
touch-deprived, this need
becomes sexualised,
making his wife think he just
wants sex and creating
more tension.”
Live happily ever after
Set aside a minute a day. “It
takes only a few seconds of
skin-on-skin contact a few
times a day to start oxytocin
production,” says Love. Just
a kiss in the morning, a hug
after work and another kiss
before bed can produce
lasting intimacy.#2 YOUR BEDROOM
An exhausted brain is an
antagonistic one. “When
we’re tired, our brains use
anger to create energy,”
says Stosny. “So you start
arguments seeking a rush.”
Live happily ever after
Don’t nod off with the TV on.
“A bright room keeps your
brain awake,” says Stosny.
Also make sure your
curtains are thick enough to
block out early-morning
sunlight, and turn the alarm
clock away from you.
“People with sleep
disturbances tend to be
clock watchers,” Stosny
says. “Calculating the
numbers on a digital clock
stimulates left-brain activity
and the production of
cortisol, a stimulant.”#3 HER MIRROR
Sure, you love her
intelligence and sense of
humour. But make sure she
knows you love her smokin’
hot body as well. “If a
woman’s body image is
low,” says Love, “she’ll feel
less passionate and sexual.”
Live happily ever after
Yes, compliment her, but
here’s the trick: “Do it in
public,” says Love. “It’ll
emphasise your
commitment, making her
feel more secure and
ultimately improving her
body image.”#4 HER PROMOTION
A recent Cornell University
study found that men who
earn less than their wives
are more likely to cheat.
“Guys have always been
seen as the primary
breadwinners,” says Love.
“Many men feel weak when
that changes, so they go
searching for an ego boost.”
Live happily ever after
Remember the golden rule
of management: hire well. It
also applies to your
relationship. Remind
yourself what a smart
guy you were for picking
such a competent woman,
says Love.#5 DIRTY DISHES
In a recent Montclair State
University study of nearly
7000 married couples,
sexual frequency increased
0.06 per cent a year for
every 1 per cent increase in
weekly housework that
husbands handled. The
average woman without
kids does 10 hours more
housework a week than her
husband. So if you picked
up five additional hours, it
would yield nine additional
romps in the hay each year.
Not a bad investment!
Live happily ever after
“Too much housework, like
anything that causes stress,
decreases bloodflow to the
genitals,” says Love. Grab a
dish cloth already.5
RELATIONSHIPS