as when he flung a bag of potato chips and
they exploded against the wall with such
festive levity that peace in the house was
immediately restored. But for the most
part he remained trapped in his own
constricted fury.
Researchers have a name for this state.
It's called "diffuse physiological arousal," or
DPA – meaning it involves everything from
an elevated heart rate to boosted cortisol
levels and increased amygdala activation. In
other words, it prepares you for war. In this
condition it's difficult even to climb into your
jocks in the morning, let alone conduct a
nuanced conversation on touchy subjects.
"Creativity and problem solving – and
even the ability to process information – are
compromised," says Gottman. "You could say
that when people enter into DPA they lose 30
IQ points."
The result is what researchers refer to as
"flooding" – that is, you are literally unable to
keep up with cognitive demands. It's at this
point that the stupid stuff happens: you say
something callous, you bring her mum into it,
you reach for a knickknack to hurl. Then her
DPA state activates.
GENERALLY SPEAKING, women do a better
job of modulating DPA than men do. The best
indicator is the increased heart rate. In one
study of arguing couples, Gottman showed
that the difference between those who stay
together and those who divorce boils down
to 17 heartbeats per minute. That's how much
faster the husband's heart was beating when
the doomed couple started to fight.
The first step to recovery is disengaging
from the fray to give your physiology time to
normalise. "We've actually demonstrated in
the laboratory that if you interrupt a conflict
discussion and take just 20 minutes for a
break, it's kind of like a brain transplant," says
Gottman. Why 20 minutes? Because that's
about how long it takes for the chemicals
responsible for activating DPA to filter
through your system – you literally sweat,
breathe and piss them out.
At that point you can begin reclaiming
control from the posturing knuckleheads that
populate your lower brain – the North Korea
of the mind, if you will – and return to the
difficult business of adult communication.
"I call it the practice of remembering
love," says Terrence Real, the author of The
New Rules of Marriage. "Remembering that
the person you're speaking with is someone
you care about, and that the reason you're
speaking is to make things better.
"It's like building a muscle," he says. In
other words, the more you do it the stronger
you become. This explains why, in his
experience, older couples are more than twice
as good at regulating their emotional states
as younger folks are and why they show more
affection when discussing sensitive subjects.
They've been at it longer.
Bryan was young, a mere novice, a control
freak with no self-control. The DPA cranked
up and he succumbed. In a way it was like
going blind. Gina began to fade from his
vision. First she became an object. Then she
ceased to be real.
In the throes of evolutionary instinct, their
sex life suffered. "When a herd of gazelles
starts running from a cheetah, the animals
don't stop to mate," says Dr John Michael
Grey, a veteran relationship coach and the
author of Relationship Tools for Positive
Change. "Their survival systems take over,
and they can't relate to one another until they
feel safe again."
In time, Bryan fell back on old porn-dog
habits left over from his adolescent years –
another dubious gift of the internet. It's not
a subject men like to talk about, but the links
between pornography use and relationship
dissatisfaction are unequivocal. Happy
couples are 61 per cent less likely to report
using Internet porn and unfaithful partners
are three times more likely to use it than
those who stay true.
In effect, pornography functions a lot like
workaholism. "It's an escape from intimacy,"
says Dennis Ortman, author of Transcending
Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder. "It requires
effort to adjust to another human being.
That's how people grow... There's no efforton the web. It's a quick fix, like a drug.
Healthy living requires effort."
Without sex to bind them, Bryan's
marriage began to unravel even faster. We've
all heard that relationships thrive when
couples spend "quality time" together. But
much depends on what is meant by the
term. Research shows that couples who
place greater importance on doing exciting
activities together – hang gliding, say, or the
occasional rollercoaster ride – enjoy greater
current and long-term happiness than
couples who settle for a routine "date night."
The operative principle here is called
"self-expansion," a reference to our natural
tendency to feel good about ourselves when
we're pushing limits and cracking open new
frontiers. Relationships function much the
same way – except that with two minds at
work, the likelihood of self-expansion is
effectively doubled, says social psychologist
Dr Arthur Aron.
"It's pretty straightforward," he explains.
"You're having that exciting experience and
you associate it with your partner." This, in
turn, strengthens the relationship. These self-
expanding experiences don't have to involve
extreme sports. "You could spend an evening
sitting at home drawing pictures of each other
naked," says Aron. If nude drawing isn't your
speed, a sufficiently deep conversation can
sometimes suffice.
"It's not just the things you do," he says.
"It's the things you talk about." If all you're
talking about is what to have for dinner
and what clothes to buy for the kids, self-
expansion isn't likely. "But if what you're
talking about is interesting, deep, about the
meaning of life, or even planning some big
event, it's more engaging."
For whatever reason, some couples just
stop trying. This was certainly true in Bryan's
case. It had been months since he had opened
any new doors for Gina and the same could be
said about her. Instead of expanding together,
they were wasting away in isolation. That's
how things stood when the intern showed
up. In a sense, the marriage was dead already.
The affair was simply the coda.ONE in THREE
Proportion of first marriages that end in divorce45.3
Median age
of men
at divorce42.7
Median age
of women
at divorceDIVORCE BY NUMBERS
43.3
Percentage of divorce applications
filed by joint applicants31.6
Percentage filed by women25.1
Percentage filed by menBOXSOURCE:AUSTRALIANBUREAUOFSTATISTICS