BRYAN MADE IT THROUGH that long night
on the floor. You don't survive a night like
that unaltered, however. Something changes,
or you die. And something had changed in
him. He emerged quieter, clearer, somehow
more real. Looking back, he could see the
burned and broken parts of himself he'd left
behind, like wreckage in the rear-view mirror.
It was like an episode of madness ending. The
end of a long, horrible night.
Meanwhile, Gina was still out there, a
distant light somewhere on the horizon.
Mercifully, he felt like he could see her again
now. He could fathom perspectives beyond
his own.
Redemption began with a trip to Sea
World, five months after the divorce. As they
sat in the poolside sunlight while dolphins
bobbed up to nip half-frozen sardines from
his 2-year-old son's hand, Bryan felt his world
expanding again. He was touched once more
by a sense of possibility.
We tend to think of affairs as the ultimate
dealbreakers, creating such unhappiness
and animosity that even willing partners
can't overcome them. And often enough
they are. But one study from the University
of Chicago found that nearly 80 per cent of
"very unhappy" couples who avoided divorce
worked through their difficulties and five
years later emerged happier than ever.
"An affair alone is rarely, if ever, the cause
of divorce," says Dr Mark O'Connell, a clinical
instructor of psychology at Harvard medical
school. "It's a symptom of underlying issues.
If a couple is committed to working on the
relationship, an affair can lead to important,
neglected conversations."
For Bryan, a lot of those conversations
concerned work and how to balance it with
family. Today, he refers to this balance as "the
sweet spot". It began with understanding how
phone and email technology can contribute
to workaholic behaviour and setting clear
limits that he still keeps to this day. "Unless
it's a really big deadline or project, I don't do
email at night or on the weekends," he says.
"And people know that about me."
With limits in place, he could begin thinking
about how work and family could coexist.
After all, even Iacocca didn't work weekends.
Bryan had missed that point when he first read
Iacocca's bio. Now, spending time with family
left Bryan feeling more grounded, and this in
turn made him more focused and productive
at work. Greater productivity generated more
confidence, which allowed him to assert his
own ideas over the groupthink of others. This,
in turn, gave rise to new leadership
opportunities. The virtuous cycle was
gathering steam.
Eventually Bryan and Gina were remarried- in a small, intimate ceremony. The divorce
and ensuing expense of living separately had
wiped them out financially. Since they wanted
to focus on their relationship and not just house
payments, they moved to a smaller house.
Bryan quit his job and went to work at a
company with hours that were more
reasonable. For the first time in a long time, he
actually began to feel happy.
In a movie, this is where the credits roll. But
real life doesn't end after the wedding - not even the second one. Seven months into
their new marriage, Bryan got the call from a
colleague. His new company was going down - and every single employee with it.
A MAN GETS KNOCKED DOWN. What
determines whether he'll stay down or push
himself up to fight once more for what he
believes? You'd think it'd be harder each time.
But as Bryan discovered, the opposite was
true. Simply because the more you fight for
something, the more valuable it becomes.
After seven months of unemployment,
he landed a new job. The money flowed and
life moved forward. The marriage flourished.
They had a second child, a girl. Then they
discovered Gina was pregnant again. Quietly
Bryan congratulated himself, and began
anticipating the hard time he'd give his
unborn daughter's pimply suitors 16 years
down the line.
Then came one of those amazing early
summer weekends when everything is clear
and blue and bright. On Saturday he taught
his son to mow the lawn. The next day theyrelaxed at a friend's barbecue. That's when
Gina, 22 weeks pregnant, first felt the pain.
From here the story rolls brutally
forward. Through our fingers we spy
Bryan and Gina next in the company
of an ultrasound technician.
"I need to go get the doctor," the
technician said.
"That's when time stood still," Bryan
recalls. "Gina and I just looked at each other- What's happening?"
The nurse said she'd never seen anything
like it. The umbilical cord was wrapped
around the child's neck four times.
Hospitals don't have a separate wing
for stillbirths, so you just have to lie
there enduring the sounds of healthy
newborns crying.
They held the child. She had Gina's
long toes and a dear little face, but no
heartbeat, no humid breath. They took her
plaster footprints and said goodbye. Not
wondering, at this point, whether their
marriage would survive.
When they left the hospital, Bryan was
mindful of the odds – 40 per cent more likely
to divorce now – but by then he had no heart
for statistics. He was thinking about Gina,
pale and fragile, still in shock. One thing he'd
learned is that couples don't always move
forward together. They take turns leading,
depending on who is strong at the moment.
Now it was his turn to carry the load. In
the cruel weeks that followed, grief yanked
them in different directions, but he held on,
anchored by a vision of themselves he had
preserved against the darkness. One day
replaced the next. And when enough time
had passed, they began to emerge from the
misfortune that fate had dealt. It was then,
in the midst of a routine day that a new
thought dawned on him. It's not a question
of happiness, really, or its pursuit – it's a
question of deciding the kind of person
that you want to be. Weak or strong. Furtive
or steadfast.
Happiness is never the object. It's just
a side effect that comes with living bravely
and well.
The Top 4 Reasons Men
Give For Having an Affair47 %
My wife didn’t seem to be attracted to me anymore41 %
My marriage was boring38 %
I needed an escape17 %
The other woman was too hot to say noSOURCE: MENSHEALTH.COM8.9
Median
length of
marriage to
separation12.1
Median
length of
marriage to
divorceRELATIONSHIPS