MEL’SWORLD
8 DECEMBER 2019|COMPUTER SHOPPER|ISSUE 382
IAMS ITTINGin abranch of the
Wetherspoons pub chain and I
am unhappy. This matches the
conditionof ev eryone else in
here.Iaminanunfamiliar city
and Ineed aplace to sit down,
charge up my laptop and drink
acoffee,before meetingalady
and two gentlemen inanearby
office with whomto do
business.By the lookof it, this
Wetherspoons mayonce have
been adancehall, or an abattoir,
which in my dayserved much the
same purpose.Itiso ne of 900
similar establishments under the
controlof Tim Martin.
Ihavenever met Tim Martin,
but Idon’t like the cutof his jib.
Idon’t like the cutof his hair.
Idon’t like the cutof his
Wetherspoons rug, soaked in the
stickydregs of ill-informed
hostility and cheap despair.But I
do like thefact that there’s no
need formetogotothe bar
and risk losing my seat, my
laptop or mytemper,because
Wetherspoonsoffers an
automated table service option,
and Ihavejust downloaded the
app to make useof it.
The Wetherspoons app
already knows whoIama nd
where Iam, which is more than I
do.Ihavefed it my payment
details, my table number and my
order foraregular Americano,
and nowIwait fortable delivery
as Igot hrough my notes and
files. Iwait alittle while.Iwait a
long while.Aftereight minutes,
Ihail aharassed memberof
staff and ask where my coffee is.
Iwait awhile more.Accordingto
my screen display, it is now 12
minutes sinceIplaced my
electronic order.
The harassed memberof staff
returns. He hands measpoon
and an empty coffee cup.
“You haveto serve yourself
over there,mate.”
Iexplain that the only reason I
am using the app is thatIdon’t
want to leave mytemporary
office seat and abandon my
electronic appendages.
“Over there,att he machine.”
DUMBWAITER
Itry to cancel my order.Itt urns
out this is impossible,because
the app is satisfiedIhavepaid
and receivedacup of coffee ,as
opposedto paid and received a
cup forcoffee.Sod this.Igather
up my gear and approach the bar
to complain. There is nobodyto
complainto,because app orders
are dealt withby special people
with special powers that render
queuing customers invisible.
Iwait. AndIwait.
Iamo ftenrendered invisible
in unfamiliar pubs, where
preference is givento regulars,
loudmouths, noteflashers,
sociopaths and drunks. But
there’s an appforthis, too. It’s
called AI Bar and it’soffered by a
company called Data-Spar-Q.
It uses facial recognitionto
scan crowdsof thirsty boozers
and assign them democratic
service onafirst-come,first-
served basis. As soon as you hit
the bar ,AIB ar’s superintelligence
allocates you withaqueue
number,and your mugshot
appears onashiny screento
show bar staff when it’s your
rightful turnto be served.
All it needs isawebcam, an
iPad foreach memberof staff, a
monitor,adecent broadband
connection, anda£200-a-month
ransom paymentby the landlord.
The system also alerts staff
to anyone who it reckons is
under age,banned ortoopissed
to be served. This,of course,will
provoke more arguments than it
solves, and it’s obviousto me
that queuing wrangles can be
solved notby yet morefacial
recognition intrusion, butby
employing good bar staff.
Preferably named Betty.
’SPOONS FED
It has now been 25 minutes since
Ientered this distinctive circleof
hell. If it wasn’tforthe fact that I
can arriveforbreakfast, drinkfor
£1.99 apint and be on dialysisby
lunchtime,then Iwould never
frequentaWetherspoons again.
As it is, allIwant is Tim Martin’s
phone number soIcan tell him
where to stick his antisocial app.
Ihaveane mpty coffee cup,
whereas his cup runnethover
with my data. And the data he
slurps from me is not
insignificant.Accordingto the
embeddedterms and conditions,
the Wetherspoons app logs my
name,myp ayment alias, my
payment account number,my
domestic address, my email
address and my phone number.
It also storesarecord of my
current location, browsing
history ,and everything I’ve eaten,
drunk orevacuated in thetoilet,
and all this privateinformation
is stored in its database.
And justforgood measure,
the small print declares, “Our
sites maycontain linksto and
from the websitesof our partner
networks, advertisers and
affiliates” and “we maydisclose
your personal data”. Oh, for
crying out loud! Or,int he caseof
the habitual drinkers hereabouts,
forcrying out softly intotheir
glassesof cut-price oblivion.
The phrase “partner networks,
advertisers and affiliates” can
be translated as “your private
data is upforgrabs and your
personal habits will be exploited
any wa ywel ike,sucker”.
As Ileave the premises,Ispot
asign that has been attachedto
the self-service coffee machine.
Wake up and smell the coffee?
No.Itr eads, “Outof order”.
MEL CROUCHER
Tech pioneer and all-round good egg
[email protected]. uk
Iamoften rendered invisible in unfamiliar pubs, wherepreferenceis
givento regulars, loudmouths, noteflashers, sociopaths and drunks
Anewappmeansyoudon’t even have toleaveyourseattoo rderdrinksfrom thebar.
MelCroucherbravesthestickycarpetsandcheap despairinWethersp oonstote st it out
