Cosmopolitan_Australia_October_2017

sex & relationships

Just like Goldilocks,

we’ve found the perfect

medium: this relationship

sweetspot that’s more

than a one-night stand,

but not enough to hold

a good (bad) girl down

easily to the distractions in life that

make it hard to establish a meaningful

relationship with someone. But we’re

also a generation that’s looking for

something more meaningful than the

‘wham bam thank­you ma’am’ situation

that seems to be the sexual norm.

You see, the problem with one­

night stands (or so I’ve been told, mum

and dad) is they’re quite an impersonal

thing for an act that is pretty damn

personal. It’s all fumbling and zero

manners and seldom the option of

round two, let alone a phone number.

For a generation of women who want

more control over their sexual destiny,

the one­night stand isn’t really ticking

the, er, box anymore. (For some it is,

and more power to you.)

With the SNS, you’ve got a chance

to get to know what the other person

likes between the sheets, build more

confidence in voicing your fantasies

and learn a little more about their life.

Potentially even their last name. I mean,

we’re not monsters.

The upside

Regarding this abundance of sexual

options, sex therapist Jacqueline Hellyer

(Jacquelinehellyer.com) says the rise

in casual relationships comes down to

the fact it’s easier to find people to hook

up with, and it’s become much more

socially acceptable to do so. But just

because something is easy to find, that

doesn’t mean it’s any good.

‘The more intimate time you spend

with someone, the more the bonding

hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin,

are released, as well as the feel­good

hormones, such as endorphins,’ she says.

‘So the closer you feel to the person,

the happier you feel.’

Which is why we’re all vibing the

SNS. It means you’ve giving those feel­

good hormones more of a chance to

blossom. But while it’s got its upsides

• minimum commitment, maximum
  fun – when deployed incorrectly it runs
  the risk of blurring the lines of dating.

Often women will fall into a casual

relationship because the guy they’re

into isn’t up for ‘anything serious’. So

if you’re keen on establishing an SNS

for yourself, there’s a lot to be mindful

of. For starters, it’s in our chemical

make­up to form a connection to the

person we’re banging, which is hard

to avoid when the banging becomes a

semi­constant. Another big problem,

says Hellyer, is using an SNS to distract

you from establishing something that

could potentially last.

‘It’s easy to find fault with partners

and move on to the next one, rather

than accepting difference and learning

to co­create a meaningful relationship

with another person,’ says Hellyer. ‘If

you only have casual relationships, you

never develop the skills to create a

satisfying long­term relationship.’

But if you know what you want and

that isn’t a long­term relationship –

perhaps you just got out of something

serious, you’re about to travel, or you

simply don’t have the time to commit

as you spend 18 hours a day curing

cancer – then the SNS is a godsend.

‘As long as you see them for what they

are, and not as a substitute for real

connection,’ says Hellyer.

Now go forth and have your cake

and eat it, too. Next issue we’ll work

on the abs X mimosas quandary. #

THE OLD EL PASO porque no los

dos? girl has a lot to answer for. ‘Why

don’t we have both’ has become the

catchcry of the Gen Y set. We want

to travel but have a career, buy a house

but have avocado toast, look like Kayla

Itsines but also live on mimosas. We’ve

been looking for the secret ingredient

to personal life balance – and we just

may have found it.

Introducing... the Several Night

Stand (or SNS)! Also known as the

answer to the question, ‘How can I

avoid the shitness of the one­night

stand while still having some pretty

awesome casual S­E­X?’

For those of us who are averse to

something serious at the moment, some

of us are still keen on something that

mimics an actual relationship – without

the admin. When we’re talking about

‘having it all’, we’re not referring to

life. Well, we are, but our sex life.

The SNS is a handy state of play

given to the act of spreading (wrong

choice of word?) a ‘one­night stand’

out over a few nights. Several nights,

if you will. It stops short of anything

that can be considered dating. It’s like

friends with benefits, but they’re not

your friend. What a time to be alive.

Just what is it?

The SNS is the MVP of ‘getting to

know someone’, without having to

meet friends or parents or discover

that weird superstition they have about

traffic lights. It’s the sweetspot for a

generation that seems to succumb more

WORDS BY MEL EVANS. PHOTOGRAPHY BY CHRIS CLINTON; MOSUNO/STOCKSY

WHO WOULDN’T

WANT THIS

SEVERAL NIGHTS

IN A ROW?