7
DCthe
washington
post
.
thursday,june
9
,
2022Home
they are set with material goods
and would like to offer their
guests that chance to gift an
experience, that information can
be shared on the couple’s
wedding website, but never on
the invitation. And no Venmo
QR codes seeking monetary
donations.Q: If you get married privately,
can you start a wedding
registry? And how would you
spread the news of that among
friends and relatives?
A: The fact that you are not
having a public ceremony does
not preclude your guests from
wanting to celebrate your
nuptials with a gift. I would
register at a store you like. Some
friends will automaticallyseek out your registry. (They are
easy to find online.) And for
anyone who asks, you can thank
them for thinking of you and
provide them with the
information. I would not,
however, begin promoting this
information to everyone you
know. Share it only when asked
for it. If you put together a
wedding website, you can alsoThomas P. Farley,
an etiquette expert
known as Mister
Manners, joined
staff writer Jura
Koncius last week
for our online
Q&A. Here is an
edited excerpt.Q: When someone puts “no
gifts” on a registry, do they
mean only cash gifts?
A: Not in my experience. If
someone says, “No gifts, please,”
you may take them at face value.
If they are not registered
anywhere, then giving them a
card with a check is entirely
appropriate.
Q: Are you creating an
additional burden for a couple
by bringing a wrapped gift to a
reception instead of sending it
to their home?
A: Gift tables overflowing with
beautifully wrapped presents
are lovely, but they present a few
challenges, among them: Who
gets to transport these gifts?
There is also the risk of a gift
going missing. Because of that,
I’m a fan of sending any gifts (or
cards with checks) to the
couple’s home.
Q: Can you buy a gift that isn’t
on the wedding registry?
A: I would caution you against
doing that. Unless you are
positive the couple will be
delighted with your gift (a
cherished heirloom, for
example), I would stick to the
items on the registry.
Q: Do you need to bring a gift to
a destination wedding?
A: I t does not preclude a gift.
The expense of your travel
should come from your year’s
vacation budget, not from your
gifting budget. With that said, a
couple will often throw multiple
events for their guests, including
dinners, golf outings and the
like. Therefore, your outlay
apart from your travel and
accommodations should be
relatively minimal, leaving you
spare funds for your gift.
Q: Is it acceptable for the couple
to ask for money for a future
house or honeymoon instead of
gifts?
A: We are seeing this more and
more, particularly as couples are
getting married later. And for
couples who have been living
together for a while, they
probably do not need a full slate
of items. However, a couple
should not look at their wedding
as an out-and-out fundraiser. If
include a link to the registry
there.Q: Have we turned the page on
paper notes by mail? Is an email
acceptable?
A: This is one page I hope is
never turned. Please don’t
disregard the value of the
handwritten thank-you. A
generic email (or worse, text)
shows no genuine attempt at
expressing gratitude. Writing
individual notes to everyone
takes time, but so did attending
the wedding and finding an
appropriate gift.Q: Traditionally, the bride’s
family paid for and hosted the
wedding, which could leave the
husband’s family feeling left out.
Regardless of how the couple
identifies, wouldn’t it be nicer
for the families (if they’re
involved) to share the costs?
A: I agree with this
wholeheartedly. Times have
changed, and the concept of the
parents of the bride footing the
entire bill (effectively a modern-
day dowry) is outdated. I believe
both sets of parents should play
a role (if they are financially
able), as should the couple —
particularly if they are a bit
older and have the means to
do so.Q: As the parents of the bride,
how should we approach the
groom’s family about assisting
with financing the wedding and
reception? It has been relayed
that they don’t think they have
financial obligations, because
they are the groom’s parents.
A: Conversations about money
are best had not long after the
engagement congratulations. I
would approach your daughter
and share your thoughts and
concerns. Have her then speak
with her fiance, and let them
come back to you with a plan.
Traditionally, the groom’s family
pays for the rehearsal dinner
before the wedding (at
minimum), but the stricture
that a bride’s family must pick
up the entire tab for the
wedding has shifted greatly in
recent years, with more couples
contributing funds to their own
day and more shared
participation from both sets of
parents.Q: What’s the appropriate
amount to give when a donation
to a charity is listed?
A: How much you give is based
on how much you can afford
and how close you are to the
couple, in that order. There is no
SEE Q&A ON 8LIVE Q&A
Thomas P. Farley, a.k.a. Mister Manners, on giving wedding gifts
Thomas P.
Farley
ISTOCK
Bringing a wrapped gift to a reception instead of sending it to the couple’s home presents challenges,
says Thomas P. Farley. Because of this, he suggests having gifts delivered to them in advance.