the
washington
post
.
thursday,
june
9
,2022
DC
12
Family
BY MEGHAN LEAHY
Q: I’m a single mom to two
daughters, 20 and 17. I
adopted both from China,
three years apart. I always
wanted to adopt, and once I
heard about orphan
Chinese girls during middle
school, I knew it was for
me. The birth movie they
showed during eighth-
grade health class also
cemented my desire not to
have a birth child, even
though my teacher assured
us that birth was something
women have been going
through for centuries and
that we would change our
minds. (I ran into her years
later, pointed to my kids
and joked that I never did
“get over” the film.)However, now my oldest
has decided that she never
wants children. She is
studying to be a teacher, so
it’s not kids she dislikes; it’s
the process. She asked me
whether I would be
ashamed if she never had
kids, and I assured her that
it’s her life and that I will
support her in whatever she
wants. I had enough
pressure from my mother to
produce grandchildren for
her to show off, so I do not
want to be “that” mom.
I’ve been open with my
kids that I always wanted to
adopt, but has my
preference for adoption
made my daughter refuse to
have birth children because
I didn’t want them? Or do Ijust add this to the
“mommy guilt file” and
move on?A: Thanks for writing. This letter
is yet another example of women
feeling guilty by having choices
and, although I’m not surprised,
I’m always a little disappointed.
For time eternal, women have
had no control over whether
they wanted children, and they
certainly have had no choice
regarding how they would have
said children. Traditional
pregnancy and vaginal birth
remain the standard by which
mothers are measured, and it’s
exhausting.
For many reasons, you did not
choose a traditional route to
motherhood. (I’m guessing there
was more to it than a video you
saw in eighth grade.) And the
truth? You don’t need to provide
anyone an excuse for not having
children through the traditional
routes — and neither does your
daughter. Although your guilt is
understandable, it’s quite the
leap to assume that her
decisions have had everything to
do with you. Isn’t it possible thatyour daughter has a different
vision for her life, like you did?
And isn’t is also possible that she
may change her mind?
The power to change our
minds is the greatest gift we can
give ourselves, and your
daughter is only 20. Provide lots
of emotional space for her, and
remember that your role as a
parent of an adult means that
you have to stay curious and
open to listening. Curiosity will
keep you from making
assumptions. Try saying: “I’m
curious. You worried that I
would be ashamed if you didn’t
have kids. Tell me more about
that.” And if you’re committed to
listening, you may learn more
about your daughter.
And although you aren’t
saying anything about this, we
have learned quite a bit
regarding the trauma
surrounding international
adoption (and adoption in
general). I’m not saying
adoption is good or bad; it’s
binary. It is a trauma to leave
your biological mother, and
there is another wound or
trauma associated with not
sharing a race or ethnicity with
your adoptive parent.Adoption can be and is a
beautiful way to create a family
and protect children, but we
cannot pretend that the lived
experiences of adopted children
don’t affect how they
understand childbirth,
parenting and family. By staying
curious and simply listening to
your daughter, you can begin to
understand her emotional
world, whatever that means for
her.
You sound like a strong
woman, one who chose a
different path from the
expectations of her mother.
That’s courageous. Use that
same courage to be there for
your children. If you need
support, contact Sandi Lerman
( adoptionrootsandwings.com ).
The mother of an adopted
young adult, she is also a
trauma-informed parenting
expert specializing in adoption. Also at washingtonpost.com
Read the transcript of a recent live
Q&A with Leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice , where
you can also find past columns. Send parenting questions to
Leahy at [email protected].ON PARENTING
My daughter doesn’t want to have children. Is that my fault?
ISTOCK/WASHINGTON POST ILLUSTRATION