I couldn’t stop smiling as I told them
the details of my dreamy night and day
with Si. “I think I’ve fallen for him,” I
confessed. My friends laughed – they’d
known it all along.
The southerly had hit and fat drops
of rain had started to fall by the time I
met my younger sister, Beth, at the train
station. She was staying at my place
because of a bathroom renovation at
her share house. As we walked home, I
opened up about my new feelings for Si.
“I think I love him,” I blurted out. She
stopped abruptly. “No, you can’t, Zoe. I
love him,” she said. And then, as the rain
poured down around us, she added,
“And he loves me, too.”
They’d been seeing each other in se-
cret for nearly a month. I felt sick as her
words sank in. My brain swam with im-
ages of Si as she started to explain. They
had always been attracted to one anoth-
er, she said, but with so many friends in
common they had wanted to see how
things went without external pressure.
So what the hell was he playing at
when he invited me into his bed?
Incredulous, I told her my side of the
story, but she didn’t seem bothered that
her new boyfriend had spent the night
spooning someone else. “He thinks of
you as a sister,” she told me
gently as we dried off in my
kitchen. I thought back to
his goodnight text
messages; perhaps they
had been brotherly rather
than romantic.
I was too proud to let
Beth see me cry. Instead, I
nursed my broken heart
behind closed doors, quietly texting my
girlfriends. I felt ridiculous one minute
and enraged the next. Most of all,
though, I felt humiliated – even if Si and
Beth hadn’t noticed the way I felt, every-
one else in our friendship circle had.
My close friends were shocked
when I told them about Beth’s revelation- they had been just as blindsided as
me. “I honestly thought he was into you,”
one of my girlfriends said, squeezing
my hand. Another friend was angry on
my behalf. “Beth is so thoughtless!” she
seethed. Outside my inner circle, I put
on a brave face – I pretended to be
happy about the sudden pairing of my
best friend and my little sister. I smiled
tightly through awkward conversations.
“No, I had no idea!” I laughed, deter-
mined to hide my hurt feelings.
Seeing Si for the first time since I
found out the truth was gut-wrenching.
I knew I had to let go of the romantic
inclinations that I’d felt brewing, and for
my own sanity I also had to close the
door on our friendship.
He had been a really significant
part of my life, but there was just no way
we could keep spending so much time
together now that he was in a relation-
ship – the fact that his new girlfriend
was my sister only compounded an
already complicated issue.
We met in a crowded city pub, jos-
tling for space among the after-work
crowd. I wanted to scream at him – but
instead I quietly told him that I was
going to miss our friendship. He apolo-
gised profusely: he hadn’t meant to hurt
me or lead me on, he told me, with tears
in his eyes. What he had with Beth was
special, he said, but that didn’t stop him
from caring about me.
I never did confront Beth about the
massive secret she had kept from me.
During our childhood, I’d taken the role
of protective big sister seriously and the
habit had stuck fast. I had bailed her out
financially and emotionally again and
again. In some ways, this time was no
different – in letting her off
the hook without a con-
frontation, I was still put-
ting her needs above my
own. I won’t lie; family
dinners became a bit of a
strain. I bit my tongue
when my parents joked
about Beth always want-
ing to play with my friends, and swal-
lowed my pain along with the Sunday
roast.
My lowest moment came when the
three of us had been invited to the wed-
ding of a mutual friend, and we all head-
ed there together – the two lovebirds
and me, the awkward third wheel. Sit-
ting in the back of Si’s Holden, I was a
one-woman audience to their lust fest.
They were in the throes of infatua-
tion and couldn’t keep their hands off
each other. I knew they didn’t intend to
rub my nose in it – but that’s exactly how
it felt. Hearing Beth and Si singing
along to Silverchair’s “Straight Lines”
together at the reception – the song that
always made me remember the sensa-tion of waking up in Si’s arms – was the
ulti mate kick in the teeth. I just desper-
ately wanted to get away from the whole
soul-destroying situation.
Since Si and Beth had gone public
with their blossoming romance, my own
social life had become torturous. As
much as I wanted to avoid them, they
were everywhere – we had so many
friends in common their relationship
was impossible to escape.
After a few months of pretending to
be fine, I booked a one-way ticket to LA.
It was something I’d thought of doing
now and then, but I’d never had the guts
before. Now I had nothing left to lose.L
iving in LA was a shock to the
system. I had to force myself
to get out and socialise when I
wanted to lay low, and I cer-
tainly wasn’t in the mood to party. But
slowly, slowly, I started to smile again.
I met Will at a house party on a
crisp spring evening. He made me laugh
and, as the night progressed, I realised
that I’d been flirting with him. We
swapped numbers and were texting by
the next day. Our romance happened
hard and fast. There was no second-
guessing with Will – he made it clear
that he was all in from the start.
When Beth rang to tell me that Si
had proposed, I was genuinely happy for
the two of them. The time and distance
had given me perspective.
Does everything happen for a rea-
son? I don’t know, but in this instance
things definitely worked out for the best.
I’m happy for Beth – she and Si are mar-
ried now – and although it was awkward
for a while, today we’re all great mates.
When I’m home in Sydney, Si and I
can laugh together, just like we did
when we were a couple of friends cook-
ing dinner. Seeing Beth with him has
helped me to realise they make more
sense as a couple. Remembering that
weird night, I can see why I held back –
he just wasn’t the man for me and on
some level I must have known he didn’t
share my feelings. Si really is like a
brother now and the thought of romance
between us seems weird.
And I have Will – the cheeky guy
who swept me off my feet – and our two
children. I can’t imagine life without
him but, as fate would have it, I had to
weather a storm to find him.Seeing Beth
with Si helped
me realise they
make sense
as a couple58 marieclaire.com.auTEXT BY ZOE MALINE. * ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED.RELATIONSHIPS