WHY BEING
NICE ISN’T
ALL THAT
BY SOME COMBO of
genetics and luck (both
good and bad), I’ve never been
a physically powerful person.
My 5’2’’, shrimpy, less-than-
ideal-muscle-mass stature has
always placed me on the wrong
side of somatic prowess. Yet
despite this, I have always felt
strong. Like, strong enough to
medal in the Olympic heavy-
weight competition. OK, maybe
not gold, but I’m definitely on
the awards stand.
In high school, I came to
the realisation that my rather
delusional sense of strength
actually had an attributable
source: it came from being nice
to others. Acts of kindness
gave me an endorphin boost
and made me feel emotionally
and physically strong. After I
made this connection, I spent
most of my days considering
and implementing acts of
nicety. I had a real handle on
kindness. I knew it inside and
out and could generate it like
a beast.Then I met my
husband, Dax. And he
caused me to question
everything I knew to
be true. Early in our
relationship, I went to him
with a problem. I had hit a
point in my career where I
began comparing myself to
other actresses. I’d wonder why
I wasn’t considered for X job
or Y role.
I became increasingly
resentful and disappointed
when my success didn’t line
up with others. Unknowingly,
I had tied my self-worth to
everyone other than myself.
Most of my friends validated
my feelings, and I loved them
for it! I was happy to hear, ‘You
should be getting those roles,
you deserve it.’
Then I turned to Dax. He
looked me square in the eye
and said, ‘Are you crazy? This
is a self-destructive path. You
can only compare your current
self to your former self. You’ll
get a comparison hangover ifyou constantly measure your
worth against someone else.’
Rather than coddling, he was
honest and uncompromising
in his refusal to cosign my pity,
wallow with me and tell me
that I was right.
At first, I was defensive.
I was expecting, ‘No! You’re
worth it. You should feel ang ry.’
But I didn’t actually need some-
one to encourage my feelings
of victimisation. What I needed
was someone to remove me
from my echo chamber. He
showed me true kindness bytelling me what I
needed to hear instead of what
I wanted to hear. It was at that
moment I realised being nice
isn’t synonymous with being
kind. Being kind is more than
donating to charitable causes
or making people feel good.
Not to dismiss any of these
acts. But kindness is different.
Kindness requires courage
and vulnerability to be honest
with people when they may
not want to hear it. It’s scary.
Like, pee-in-your-pants scary.
But it’s also worth it, because
kindness can produce personal
evolution. I’ve learnt so much
from my husband, but I’m most
grateful for his lesson in true
kindness and the power it has.
Because of it, I feel very strong.
Like, Olympic gold. #There, I’ve said it
(Cosmo lets a passionate voice sound off)In a world awash in blatant insults, it can
be hard to recognise the value of tough loveWORDS BY KRISTEN BELL. GETTY IMAGESKRISTEN BELL
STARS IN THE
GOOD PLACE,
CURRENTLY ON
NETFLIX.‘HE TOLD ME WHAT
I NEEDED T O H E A R
INSTEAD OF WHAT I
WANTED TO HEAR’